I nod, I knew I could do the job and it would probably distract me enough from Daisy to be able to move on from her, again.
“What if I said that I didn’t agree?”
“Well, I would say you were wrong.” My tone is even without any type of emotion. I knew an outburst would prove her right and me wrong.
“Tell me why I’d be wrong. What would be done differently next time you were on duty and faced with a traumatic incident?”
“Because I wouldn’t kick the shit out of the suspect, that’s for sure.”
When she laughs, my mouth hangs open. Stunned. Was that even professional?
“Oliver, I’m going to sign your release, declare you fit for duty, on one condition.”
“Fuck yes.” I almost jump out of my chair and hug her but I remain seated as she holds up her hand to me, like a good school boy I rest back silently in my chair and let her finish what she was saying.
“On the condition you make an appointment to come back to see me in a month but don’t struggle through to the next appointment if you think you need to come in earlier. There is no shame in that. It doesn’t mean you’re weak in any way, we can just call it a catch-up. Touch base with how things are going back at work. Yes?”
“Yes. Definitely yes.” A weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My life could finally return to normal. Normal? My heart sunk, normal wasn’t normal anymore, not without Daisy in it every day. Still, I stand and shake the doctor’s hand, at least now I was one step closer.
* * *
Trent and I go to the bar, I needed to blow out the cobwebs of the past couple of months. Trent clinks the neck of his beer bottle with mine.
“Cheers, buddy. So when are you back on duty?”
“I’ve got to see Sarge in the morning, he wanted to go over the final verdict of the enquiry but he said it was all looking good, so maybe next week.”
“Shit, that soon? Why don’t you look more excited about it?”
“I don’t know, man, I guess I am, it’s just,” taking a sip from my beer as I try to will the words into a sentence. “I’m not sure I want to do that job anymore, I love it and all but now all the anticipation about getting back to it has come to a head, it’s kind of –” I search for the right words before I continue.
“Anticlimactic?” He offers.
“I guess so, in some ways. I thought I’d be chomping at the bit to get all geared up and back out there but it’s just,” I shrug, struggling to explain it in a way he will understand, “I guess I just feel like there are other things that should be more of a priority now. Life’s short you know?”
“I know, every bad day I think about quitting but I pull on the boots the next day and get back into it hoping it’ll be better. Usually, it is, the thrill is still there for me.”
“The thrill, yes, that’s it, I don’t feel that any more. Maybe it’s just I haven’t been out there for so long, maybe it’ll be different when I get back.”
“Maybe, but maybe there is another reason you’re feeling this way?” Trent side eyed me whilst taking a swig of his own beer.
Maybe the self-righteous bastard was right, maybe that reason was over eleven hundred kilometres away.
* * *
The office is busy, I had always enjoyed the efficient speed in which everyone operated as I scanned the room, it hadn’t been that long ago since I’d been one of these guys working on a case, looking for the break that was going to make it for us. My eyes fall on Ginny’s desk, now left sitting all but empty, the keyboard and computer screen is all that is left sitting on the dark timber. The key hung from the lock on the cabinet that sat on the floor. It was almost like she had never been there at all.
Sarge was on the phone, I was waiting for him to finish what sounded like an intense conversation before I knocked on the door. With the blinds drawn it was always the best idea to steer clear otherwise get burnt in the fire that was Sarge’s temper.
The door burst open and I jumped to my feet. Sarge’s face was red as a beat and his brow was furrowed.
“Oliver, I wasn’t expecting you till this afternoon.” His voice was as gruff as I had heard it many times before.
“I know, I wanted to get this over and done with as soon as possible, there’s something I got to do.”
“Right, well you better come in then.”
I follow him through to his office, closing the door behind us. He moves around to the leather chair on the other side of the desk and I take up the one sitting adjacent.
“Doc cleared you for duty. That must be a relief.” It wasn’t a question, it was more of an observation. Very rarely did Sarge ask any questions, not when he already knew the answers to most things already. “You’re ready?”
I nod, knowing it was unnecessary. “But that is why I am here, why I couldn’t wait till this afternoon.” Unfolding the pages I had creased and folded what felt like a hundred times I slid them across the desk to him.
Picking them up, his eyebrows shot up as he read what they were. “You’re requesting a transfer? Why?”
“I’ve come to realise the things I want out of life are different now.”
“Son, you realise some people will see this as a backward step in your career?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Have you really thought this through?”
“Yes, sir. It wasn’t an easy decision to make but I’ve had plenty of time to think about it and I believe it is the right one.”
“Can I convince you to take some more time to think this over?”
“Not necessary, I’ve made up my mind. I have a position lined up that I’m keen to accept but I just need your signature.”
“Oliver, officers work their whole careers to get to the position you are in, some won’t even come close and you’re willing to throw all of this away.”
“I don’t feel like I’m throwing anything away and it’s not like I don’t appreciate everything you and the team have done for me, Sir, I just believe it is my time to do something different and with all due respect, there isn’t a thing you can do to talk me out of it.” I was willing to play hardball if I had to, hell, I was willing to quit on the spot if push came to shove.
Luckily, it didn’t and I didn’t have to. With a frown, Sarge signed the papers in his messy scrawl and handed them back to me.
“Good luck, son. You will be sorely missed.”
“Thank you, sir.”
* * *
Sarge announced that I was moving on, Trent was the only one from the team who wasn’t surprised. I laid down a few hundred dollar bills on what would become my old desk and told them to have a round on me. There wasn’t going to be any farewell drinks or shenanigans, my mind was made up, the car was loaded and I had a long drive ahead of me. I had already wasted enough of the daylight hours and wasn’t prepared to lose any more.
Waiting for the automatic gates of the precinct to open I risk a glance in my rearview mirror, this place had been my life for so long I did have a twinge of hope that I wouldn’t regret leaving it all behind. I knew Ginny would be smiling down on me but calling me an arsehole, her words replay in my head, “I want you to be happy.” And that was what I wanted too. She knew what was best for me, right until her very end.