“Why did you run just now?” Her abrupt change of subject catches me off guard. I blink several times to adjust to her new line of questioning.
“I told you, I didn’t want to talk about my mom.”
“Do you often run from uncomfortable situations?”
I think long and hard about her question. Looking back on all my past relationships and interactions, I start with Gavin and how I cowered after he spread those horrible rumors about me. How I ran away from home after I found out the truth about my father, worrying my mother to death. And how I hid the truth from Levi, even after he started to suspect there were cracks in our relationship.
I answer her truthfully. “Yes. I do.”
“It’s not uncommon to want to walk away from uncomfortable situations. That’s human nature. And in the short term, it can be okay. But considering your past, Grace, I believe, for you, it’s deeper than that.”
“How so?”
“You avoid discomfort as a way of suppressing your feelings. It's called emotional avoidance. And over time, it can lead to things like anxiety, living in denial, or fear of trying new things." She continues, "For example, you saw from a young age what your mother was doing, bringing men to the house. I’m sure you had questions. It wasn’t until you were older and your mother told you the truth that you were you forced to deal with all the emotions you had been holding on to since a young child.
“With Sol, you knew you were still in love with him, yet instead of dealing with those emotions and giving yourself the time you needed to heal, you chose to run away. First to Europe with one of your girlfriend then to another man. For you, it’s easier to act like something never happened, than to deal with the reality of the situation.”
My eyes begin to sting at her summary of me. As much as I hate to admit it, it’s true. All of it. I have been avoiding my feelings.
“I was scared,” I say, allowing the tears fall freely down my cheeks.
“Of what, Grace? What were you afraid of?”
“That I ruined his life. Sol, I mean. I was scared if I stayed with him, he would wake up one morning and realize the truth—that he never should have left seminary school and he’d hate me for it.” I swipe at my tears with a shaky palm. Dr. Taylor grabs the box of tissues on her desk and hands it to me. I wipe my nose before continuing. “I loved him so much. Craved him too much. I was like a drug addict, yearning for my next fix. Anything to be with him. But, then I took a step back to reassess everything. All I could think about was how much he would be giving up for me if I stayed. And that thought became unbearable.”
I think about our last night together in the hotel room before I broke things off with Sol. If only I could turn back time, I would have dealt with things differently then. Maybe we could have all spared ourselves a lifetime of heartache.
“I thought if I could love Levi, then that would fix everything. Sol could be a priest and be happy. And I could be with someone who was free to love me.”
“You don’t think you were worth Sol sticking around for?”
“I didn’t think he would have been happy if he did.”
“Has Sol told you this?”
I shake my head. “No, he reassures me that he’s happy to be with me. That I’m what he really wants, and he has no regrets.” I inhale deeply, then continue. “You know when you're a little girl, and you start thinking about all the attributes you want the man you’ll marry to have? Good looking, tall, smart, funny, kind . . . Well, that’s Sol. He’s perfect. Well, almost perfect. He’s the dream.”
She laughs at that. “No one is perfect; even the Pope has flaws.”
“He threw himself in front of a car to protect the guy I was seeing and me. So, now he can add Superman to his resume too.”
Smiling, she glances down at her notes, then back at me. “I want to get back to why you ran away from your relationship with Sol instead of figuring it out even after he left the seminary. You said you didn’t think you were good enough for him.”
“I’m not.”
“If Sol is as perfect as you claim, don’t you think he would know what’s good for him? Don’t you think he would be able to decide for himself the type of person he wants to be with?”
I shrug. “I guess.”
“Well, then maybe you should let him decide what sacrifices he’s willing to make. We all have free will. You are not responsible for other people’s decisions or actions. Your mother chose to do what she did to protect you; that was her choice. Levi ran out into the road. You didn’t push him. Sol chose to leave the priesthood to be with you.” She leans over her desk close to me, clasping her hands. “How you proceed from this point forward is your choice. Absolve yourself, Grace. Live your life exactly the way you want, then you won’t ever have anything to feel guilty about. Before you leave, I need you to do something for me.”
“Yeah? What is it?” I ask, shifting in my seat, then glance at the clock on the wall.
She chuckles. “Relax, Grace. It’s not going to be that bad.”
I look back at her. “It’s not?”
She shakes her head. “Tell me three positive things about yourself.”
“Three things? That’s it?”
One brow quirks up in amusement. “You need more?”
“Oh, no. Three’s good. Um, let’s see . . .” I trail off and rub my forehead. “I have a great smile, um . . .”
Her gaze softens. “It’s hard to see the positive when we’ve believed the worst about ourselves. You’re brave, genuine, and supportive. You took matters in to your own hands and sought professional help. You were ready to face all your problems head-on. You are real and true. You don’t hide who you are, flaws or not. You’ve been driving to Portland every week to help your mother with the wedding arrangements and to see Sol.” She smiles kindly. “You might not realize it, but other people see who you are deep down.”
Her words unravel me. Tears prick my eyes. I brush them away with my hands and try to breathe through the air lodged in my throat. “I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear that. Thank you, Dr. Taylor.”
She sits back in her chair, her smile widening. “I’m here if you ever need a reminder.”
We wrap up the session, and I head out, my thoughts on what Dr. Taylor said.
Live my life the way I want to. Stop ignoring my feelings. Trust Sol to make his own choices.
Stepping out into the nippy air, I begin to relax. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to completely absolve myself of the guilt I feel for my part in the accident, but I’m not going to let my fears stand in the way of what I want.
The sound of my phone beeping in my bag pulls me away from my thoughts. I dig it out and retrieve the text.
Sol: Just finished therapy. Luke and I are just heading to check out another apartment. The other one didn’t pan out.
Me: Ack. I’m sorry. What happened?
Sol: Shitty plumbing. We ended up looking for another place and found one.
Me: Send pictures of the new place?
Sol: Will do.
I’m about to message him back when three dots appear on the screen, indicating he’s typing. They disappear a few seconds later, then appear again. A minute goes by, and the dots vanish again.