Ivan sighs and pockets his phone. “Look, I’m not going to pretend to understand how it is for you to love two people at the same time. Loving one person this much is insane enough without adding another one in the mix.” A reluctant smile pulls his lips as he reaches out to tug her long braid.
This seems to placate her for like two seconds. She shoots him a quick smile, then schools her expression to irritation.
“Seriously, what’s going on between you two?”
They both shrug. Ivan retrieves his phone again and starts fiddling with it. MJ stands up and starts pacing. I watch them for a few heartbeats, then sigh and close my eyes.
God, is this a curse or a blessing? I mean, I’m not complaining here. I just want to check with you because after everything that’s happened, having the ability to love Levi and Sol feels more like a curse.
Two men. Both hurt really badly because I couldn’t decide . . . because I couldn’t decide.
My eyes snap open as a memory tickles my brain. The hair on the back of my neck rises as it slams into me, knocking the air from my lungs.
You’ll be forced to make very difficult decisions. Decisions between life and death. Decisions between the two men in your life.
“Holy shit,” I mutter under my breath. “How could I have forgotten about her? About what she said?”
“About who?” MJ asks at the same time Ivan asks, “Forgotten what?”
I leap to my feet, and my head spins. I clutch the wall and breathe through the dizziness and panic racing through me, but my lungs feel too small for the amount of air I’m trying to inhale.
“What are you talking about?” MJ watches me, brows dipped in confusion. Or worry. Or both. She must think I’ve lost my mind.
“The palm reader. Remember that woman I told you about? The palm reader and what she said?” She stares at me blankly. “The prediction?”
Her eyes widen in understanding. “Wait. You don’t think this is what she meant, do you?”
“‘Decisions between life and death. Decisions between the two men in your life.’ Can’t you see the similarities between what she said and what’s happening?”
MJ’s eyes get even wider as she gapes at me.
“I’m so confused,” Ivan mutters, rubbing his forehead. “Are you two talking code right now?”
My best friend’s gaze cuts between Ivan and me before settling on Ivan. “I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but, um”—she clears her throat—“we think this whole thing is like a prophecy or something.”
He folds his arms across his chest and frowns. “Mind breaking that down for me, baby?”
“A palm reader did some mojo jumbo on Grace’s palm and saw the whole thing. Two men in her life and then this whole thing about life and death.”
“When was this?”
“About two years ago.” My voice shakes. I fan my face with my hands, suddenly feeling too hot. “I need some air.” I snatch my coat from the back of my seat and slip it on, then hurry toward the bank of elevators.
“Where are you going?” MJ asks behind me.
When I don’t answer, I hear her say to Ivan, “Call me if you learn anything about Sol or Levi.”
Within seconds, she catches up with me. From the corner of my eye, I see her zip up her jacket, then dart a worried gaze in my direction.
A cold breeze slaps my face as soon as we step outside, causing my eyes to water. I start to pace, as the palm reader’s words play on repeat in my head over and over.
“Grace?” MJ calls out in a worried voice. “Talk to me, babe.”
I stop and face her. “I need to go somewhere, but I don’t have my car with me.”
“Where do you want to go? We’ll use mine.”
I suck in air through my mouth until the chaos in my head become a faint buzz. Only one place can give me the peace I crave. “St. Peter’s Church.”
When we get to the church, MJ joins me in the first pew. I don’t recall her ever telling me whether she’s religious or not. But the fact that she’s here with me? I’m grateful for that.
Sliding forward onto the kneeling bench, I clasp my hands on the pew in front of me. The silence around us soothes me just as it does every time I’m here. The moment I set foot inside the sanctuary, my problems seem insignificant. Inside these stone walls, I’m safe.
“Do you believe in God?” I ask her.
The crinkling sound of her jacket momentarily breaks the silence as she moves to kneel next to me.
“I believe there’s a higher being. I didn’t grow up in a religious family. My dad’s idea of church is Sunday night football and don’t even get me started on my hippie grandma.” She laughs softly, the sound echoing inside the empty church. I smile for what seems like the first time in ages. “My parents and my grandmother taught me the importance of being kind. ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ That’s what my grandmother used to say. Can I let you in on a little secret?”
I nod, then lay my head on her shoulder.
“I’ve always admired your devotion and faith to God,” she says.
“You have?”
“Yeah. And I think what you’re looking for isn’t going to be found in the palm of your hand, but right here.” She pauses. “If the higher being is God, then yeah, I do believe in Him.”
I mull over her words. “I feel so lost and scared. What do I tell Him?”
“What’s in your heart, I guess. I’m scared too.” She pulls back, looking me in the eyes. “But hey, Ivan said he’d call if anything changes, and so far, nothing. So maybe that’s a good sign.”
“Yeah. Maybe you’re right.” Shaking my head, I focus on the cross behind the altar. “‘Cast your burdens unto the Lord and He shall sustain you.’ The first time I heard that verse was during one of Father Foster’s sermons. I can’t remember exactly how old I was, but it has stayed with me ever since. I feel so stuck right now. I want to unburden myself, but I feel like this is my punishment. It’s what I deserve for the way I handled everything.”
“You can’t know that. I mean, do you think He could really punish you for loving two people at the same time?”
I shrug. To be honest, I don’t know what to believe. It’s such an unfamiliar feeling, and I don’t know how to handle it.
We sit in the quietness for a while. Eventually, I lift my head and glance at her. “Pray with me?”
She looks at me with apprehension. “Um, I’ve never done this before. What if I do it wrong? I don’t want the devil coming after me with pitchforks and fire-breathing dragons and stuff.”
I snort-laugh. “This isn’t Game of Thrones, MJ. No one is going to come after you.”
She gives me a look before lowering her head and clasping her hands together. I take a deep breath and pray.
“Dear Lord, I know I’ve made some grave mistakes. I’ve hurt people I love. I’ve been careless with people’s hearts. I’m asking you for forgiveness. I humbly ask for you to watch over Levi and Sol. Keep them safe.” My nose tingles as tears threaten once more. “If you must punish someone, please punish me but not them. Please don’t take them away. I know this may seem hypocritical of me, seeing as how I took Sol away from you, but Lord, if you would just let him live . . .” I trail off, not wanting to make a bargain I know I won’t be able to keep. Instead, I say, “Grant me the grace to acknowledge your will and know that whatever you do, you do for the love of us. Amen.”