Jimmy’s brows were drawn, his face pale. “What’s she saying?”
“What else did Dr. Chen tell you?” I managed into the phone.
“That you need to come back immediately.” Delia’s voice was soft now. “Or go to a hospital.”
“Absolutely not,” I said.
“You need to be in a safe, controlled environment as the Hazarin leaves your system. External stimuli could be too much for you. You need quiet and calm, not a seven-hour road trip in a car with that man.”
“I just need a little more time.”
I blinked.
“—then let us know where you are, and we can come and get you. Thea? Are you there?”
I missed what she said.
No, it’s the phone. Not me. It’s not working. It’s breaking down and soon it won’t work at all.
A muffled sob erupted out of me. Jimmy took the phone out of my shaking hand and wrapped his free arm around me.
“It’s Jim,” he said. “What’s happening?”
I buried my face in his chest as he talked to Delia. I heard him ask if I needed a hospital, and in the next second, I was sitting on a bench with him outside the city offices.
“We’re going back to the hotel,” he said. “You’ll be okay there so long as you stay quiet and calm. They’re coming to help us.”
“No,” I cried. “We need to get married…”
“We can’t,” Jimmy said, his voice breaking. “Not like this. It’s time to go back. Or to a hospital.”
“No,” I said. “No hospital. I’ll scream and never stop if I have to spend the last hours or minutes of my waking life in a hospital.”
“If anything happens to you, I’ll never forgive myself.”
I shook my head; the sobs tearing out of me now. “God, I’m so stupid. Why did I throw the pills away? Why? I should have married you first. I should have…”
“No,” he said, his voice choked with tears. “You’re not stupid. You’re braver than anyone I’ve ever met. You did the right thing.”
“It doesn’t feel right.” I clutched his jacket. “It’s happening so fast. Why does it have to happen so fast?”
The terror was beginning to unravel me. I fought for breath as Jimmy began to sing. Low and wavering, his voice rumbled under my ear, “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” as I clung to him.
I concentrated on his voice as he gently got me to my feet, led me to the street corner and into another cab. He sang the entire time, his voice anchoring me to the present, and I clung to it like a drowning woman.
Once in our hotel room, Jimmy helped me take off my shoes and get under the covers. He drew the shades across the windows, then lay down beside me. I curled into him while he stroked my hair. His face was so impossibly beautiful, so full of love and care, and my heart broke that someday soon, when he looked at me like that, I might not know why.
You will. Down in your deepest self, you’ll recognize his love for you.
“I love you,” I told him, tears spilling across my nose and dampening the pillow. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too,” he said, his eyes shining.
“You don’t have enough to keep loving me. Only five minutes.”
“That’s all I need. That’s all I ever needed.”
He held me until sleep came. I fought it for as long as I could, terrified I’d wake up back in the prison. But exhaustion won out and when I woke again. I knew where I was. I knew when I was. Here. I was still here. The dark, quiet room seemed to keep the amnesia at bay, but I could feel the invisible vastness, infinite and claustrophobic at the same time, surrounding me. Suffocating me with emptiness.
Jimmy lay asleep on his back, one arm thrown over his eyes, his mouth drawn down. I wanted to wake him and kiss him and talk to him. Tell him everything. To get in a lifetime’s worth of words and thoughts and life in one night. But I was fading away.
I slipped off the bed and went to the desk by the window. It was late afternoon, but with the shades drawn, it was dark. I clicked on the desk lamp, then looked to Jimmy. He slept on.
I took a pen and paper from the hotel stationery and began to write. Three times, I went away and came back to find my pen in midair or scraping an errant line on the paper. I pulled my focus as best as I could and when I was finished, I folded the page in half and crept back across the room, to the wall where Jimmy’s guitar case leaned.
I kneeled down and…
Why am I on the floor in front of Jimmy’s guitar?
A paper was in my hand, folded in half.
It came back to me in a rush and I grasped onto the consciousness with my entire being.
Stay. Please, stay.
Quietly, carefully, I set the guitar case on the floor and clicked open the little latches. I laid the note on the warm, pale wood of his guitar, shut the case, and set it back against the wall.
Jimmy rolled onto his side when I slipped back into bed. I lay face-to-face with him. My beautiful man. Peaceful in sleep.
My eyes were already falling shut. My thoughts breaking apart and I somehow knew they weren’t coming back. I wasn’t coming back. Not all of me. Not the way I had been.
“I love you, Jimmy,” I whispered.
I leaned in and softly kissed him goodbye.
Chapter 37
Jim
A knock came at the door around five in the morning. I opened it to a crowd of people: a hotel security guard, two EMTs, Dr. Chen, and Rita Soto.
Chen went immediately to Thea, who was still asleep. Rita hugged me and I held on tight, happier to see her than I thought possible.
“I wasn’t expecting to see you,” I said.
“I wasn’t expecting to still have a job,” she said.
“Is Delia here?”
“She’s waiting in Roanoke.”
“Miss Hughes?” Dr. Chen said. “Hi. I’m sorry to wake you but—”
“Where’s Jimmy?” Thea murmured, sitting up.
I rushed over, Rita following, and took her hand. “I’m right here, baby.”
Thea’s empty gaze darted between Rita and Dr. Chen. Then the light turned on in her eyes.
“Rita, what are you doing here?”
“Hi, honey.” Rita hugged her over the bed.
“What’s happening? Why is everyone here in New York?” She looked at me. “Are we still in New York?”
Fuck, this is already too hard.
“Yeah, we are,” I said.
Dr. Chen pulled a penlight from her pocket. “Thea, can I look in your eyes?”
“Why are they here?” Thea demanded with rising panic. “What’s happening?”
“It’s time to go back, honey,” Rita said. “We’re going to take care of you—”
“No, please,” Thea cried. Her gaze swiveled to me. “I changed my mind. I can’t do this. I don’t want to go back. Please…” She clutched my shirt. “Please don’t make me go back.”
Tears stung my own eyes as I held her. “This isn’t right,” I said to Dr. Chen. “Can’t you do something for her?”
“There’s nothing else to do,” she said, her voice low and heavy. “Not right now. She has to go back.”