I hold my breath and wait for her answer.
He’s everywhere all at once. I step back, needing space, but the car is behind me. I have nowhere to go, and the only thing left is to face him. Face the blinding honesty shining in his eyes like the freaking sun. It’s too much. Too soon. And I’m terrified to confront the truth staring me in the face.
He’s right. We function better together than apart—
“Your phone is ringing,” Sol says, snapping me out of my tumultuous thoughts.
Crap. When Levi and I spoke earlier this morning, he promised to call at midnight to wish me a Merry Christmas. How could I forget?
I duck my head inside the car and rummage through my purse for my cell, then answer the call with shaking fingers.
“Miller,” Levi says cheerfully with a slight slur. “Merry Christmas!”
I laugh, caught off guard by his joyous mood. “Merry Christmas to you. Are you drunk?”
“Just a little. We went out—” Boisterous laughter in the background swallows the rest of his words—“Christmas Eve. I wish you were here. Hold on a sec. I’m going outside so we can talk.”
I can feel Sol’s eyes on me. I glance up and our gazes lock. His brows are crinkled in a frown as he watches me, his jaw clenched.
Ugh. If I’m going to talk to Levi, I can’t do it with Sol staring at me like he wants to rip the phone from my hands and crush it between his fists.
“I have to go. Let’s talk tomorrow, okay?” I say to Sol, giving him my back as I slide into the car.
His fingers wrap around my arm, stopping me. Glancing over my shoulder, I meet his gaze. “Promise?”
I nod quickly and whisper, “of course,” just as Levi comes back on the line.
“Did you say something?” Levi asks.
“No. I was talking to—uh, a friend.” My emotions are in shambles and my nerves are frayed from what I’m feeling.
Sol’s grip tightens as if to remind me he’s here to stay, then he slowly releases me and takes a step back. He slides his hands inside his coat pockets and walks toward the rectory. I watch him navigate through the large mounds of snow, listening to the crunch of his boots until it fades.
“Are you still there?” Levi asks.
“Yeah. Sorry.” I get inside the car and slam the door shut, then rest my head on the headrest.
“You sound different. Everything okay?”
“Yes.” I answer too fast, then cough to cover my reaction. “So, what are you guys up to?”
He doesn’t answer immediately. The silence stretches to the point of being uncomfortable. “A friend,” he says. “Is it him? Sol?”
I wet my lips and close my eyes just as panic sets in. I could lie and make things easier for us both. But from what I’ve learned this last year, lies eventually come back to bite you in the ass.
“We ran into each other at Mass and were just talking. He’s back from Italy—” I stop when I realize I’m rambling, and inhale deeply. “You have nothing to worry about.” I reassure, even though I don’t believe my own words.
I’m not going anywhere, Gracie. That’s what Sol said. If the unwavering determination I saw in his face is any indication, nothing is going to stand in his way.
“If you say so,” Levi mutters.
“What does that even mean?”
“Are you still in love with him?”
I rub a hand down my face, trying to come up with the right answer. “He and I, we’re still friends.”
“That’s not what I asked, Grace. You can’t even answer that question truthfully, huh?” He yells the latter.
“Stop, Levi. You’re drunk. We need to talk when you’re sober.”
“I might be drunk, but I know what I’m talking about. Admit it. You would jump at the chance to get back with him if he asked.”
“I’d never cheat on you. I love you,” I insist, shouting, hoping the words break through his alcohol haze, while hoping to convince myself. We both fall quiet, my declaration sitting between us like a peace offering. “I’d never cheat on you, okay?” I repeat in a calmer tone.
He sighs. “Yeah.”
“Good.” I start my car and leave it idling for a few seconds as our conversation winds down. “When are you flying back from Hawaii?”
“My parents want to stay a little longer. I was thinking, um, maybe I could fly back earlier. Then you and I can hang out before school starts?”
“Sounds like a plan,” I say. Closing my eyes, I count to ten under my breath to rein in my panic. As much as I want to enjoy Christmas with no distractions, I need to come up with a solution about Sol and Levi fast. “Talk tomorrow?”
“Yeah.” There’s a pause, followed by a whispered, “I love you, Miller.”
“I love you, Levi.”
After ending the call, I pull out of the parking lot and drive home. I’m so focused on the emotional hurricane inside my head, I end up missing my exit and have to drive another ten minutes before parking my Fiat outside my building.
When my head finally hits the pillow twenty minutes later, I’m tired and anxious. After tossing and turning for almost an hour, my body finally gives in to exhaustion.
The following morning, I wake up early and go for a run, eager to release the tension that has been building since last night after Mass. I can’t stop thinking about the way Grace smiled when she was talking to Levi. I know going after her when she’s clearly involved with him is unfair to both of them, yet I can’t seem to stop myself. There’s a chance that she might reject me and choose to be with him, but I have nothing to lose, which is why I’m giving this everything I’ve got.
She has a way of triggering all kinds of emotions in me. She’s dangerous, we’re a disaster waiting to happen. Grace will be my ultimate destruction and my saving grace.
When I got back to the rectory after Mass last night, I fought with myself whether to call her or not. Then I realized I was acting out of pure jealousy, so I reined myself in.
Luke and I will be having Christmas dinner just the two of us, but before that, I have a few things to take care of.
After my run, I return home and take a shower, then throw on a pair of jeans and a button-down shirt. I grab my coat and keys at the door and head out.
Ten minutes later, I park my truck outside Seth’s building and walk to the main door. His mom sounds surprised, but buzzes me in. By the time I stride off the elevator, I’m sweating despite the chilly weather. I’ve been avoiding this meeting for a while, because I wasn’t ready to face Seth.
“Merry Christmas, Sol,” his mother welcomes me at the door, extending her hand in greeting. I return the gesture, dumbfounded. Her smile throws me off. I expected anger or disappointment, given that I was her son’s mentor. Maybe Luke was right when he said I was being too hard on myself.
“Merry Christmas, Beth.” She steps to the side and waves me in. I walk inside and linger near the doorway. “I wanted to drop by and talk to Seth, if it’s okay with you. I know I let him down and he probably doesn’t want to see me.”
She shakes her head. “He’s been asking about you. I had a talk with him after word got around about you leaving the seminary. It took a while for everything to sink in, but I think he understands now. Come on, let me show you to his room.”