Beth leads the way through the small apartment and stops in front of a door with an Iron Man poster on it. She knocks twice before pushing it open slightly. Seth sits at a desk with his back to us, playing a game on his computer.
“Hey, honey. Sol’s here to see you,” she tells him.
Seth taps a few keys on the keyboard, and the game stops. Then he swivels in his chair to face us. He eyes me, lips pursed, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Beth says. She reaches up and squeezes my arm before walking back out and closing the door behind her.
“Hey, kid,” I say, breaking the silence. “Got a minute?”
He stares at me for several seconds before pointing at the plastic chair next to his. Taking a deep breath, I march forward and sit down. The way he watches me makes me nervous, and I’m not sure what to expect.
“Sorry it took me a while to come here and talk to you,” I say.
“I thought you were avoiding me,” he responds, surprising me. “You just disappeared and I didn’t have anyone to talk to, and . . . you’re like a brother to me, man.”
I shake my head. “I was ashamed. I wasn’t ready to look you in the eye and tell you I failed. I broke my vow and your trust in the process, especially after what happened with your mother and the priest in Baltimore—”
“What? You’re nothing like that guy. Not even a little bit. I mean, yeah, you may have gotten kicked out of seminary school, but at least you told the truth. You owned up to your mistakes instead of denying your relationship with, um . . . what’s her name?”
“Grace?”
“Yeah. What happened with my mom and that priest in Baltimore; he denied everything. His lies destroyed my family. You’re nothing like him, Sol. You made a mistake and owned up to it, and I think it takes a lot of courage to do that.”
I blink at him, surprised. “When did you get so wise?”
“I’ve had a lot of time to think, thanks to my mom. I was angry with you, but after she sat me down and we talked, I realized I had put you on a pedestal. I guess I was desperate to believe good people were still left in the church.” He bites his bottom lip and glances down at his hands on his lap. “Obviously, I’ve never been in love, but from what I’ve seen so far it’s a little scary. Just look at what happened to my mom and you. . .” He screws up his face and shakes his head.
I chuckle. “Yes, it’s terrifying. But if you fall in love with the right person, it’s the most amazing thing ever.”
“So, she’s your right person, huh?”
I nod and smile. “I’ve never felt like this before.” I’m not good at talking about my feelings, but I hope talking to Seth about how I feel will make him understand where I’m coming from.
He looks up at me and squints thoughtfully. “So are you and her together now? She’s the girl I met at the coffee shop last summer, right?”
“No. We’re not together. And yes, you met her at the coffee shop last summer.”
“Seriously? You’re not together after everything?” His brows bunch up in confusion. “I thought that’s why you left the seminary.”
I sigh, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. “I don’t know. It’s complicated. While I went off trying to figure myself out, she was at college and now she has a boyfriend. I think I may have blown my chance. I think I might be too late.”
“And you just gave up? I thought you said she’s your right person?” I run my palms down my face at a loss for words. “Dude, I hope you didn’t give up one dream to just turn around and give up another.”
I shake my head. “It’s not that easy.”
“Nothing good comes easy, right? Just promise me you won’t give up. From what I remember, she was pretty hot.”
“Hey, watch it,” I scold him.
“I’m just saying. If I had someone who looked like her and loved her as much as you love her, I wouldn’t let her go without a fight, man.”
“All right. You’ve made your point. And, for the record, Grace is much more than a pretty face. Maybe I still have a thing or two to teach you about respecting women for more than their bodies.”
He puts his hands up in surrender. “Hey, I didn’t say anything about her body. But, now that you mention it . . .”
“All right, I’m leaving.” I stand and glance at Seth. “Merry Christmas, kid.”
“Don’t call me that.” He scowls at me playfully as he rises to his feet. “Merry Christmas, man.”
“Let’s hang out soon, okay?”
He nods as we walk out of his room into the living room.
Outside, I get inside my car and drive back to the rectory, relieved the tension I felt when I walked into Seth’s apartment has gone.
Grabbing the bookmark from the couch, I place it between the pages of the book I’m currently reading, then toss it on the coffee table. I rub my palms down my face as though it’ll help calm my thoughts. It’s three days before New Year’s Eve, and before MJ’s birthday party. She texted me last night to let me know she’d arrived safely in Portland. She’s spending the next few weeks with her grandmother before school starts, then we’ll drive together to James Fredericks.
The sound of feet approaching from down the hall snaps me out of my wanderings. Mom walks into the living room and heads to the kitchen, grabbing the travel mug off the counter.
“You’ve been frowning a lot lately, sweetheart,” Mom says as she takes the pot of fresh coffee and pours some into the mug. “Does it have to do with a certain blue-eyed young man?”
Pulling my legs up on the couch, I wrap my arms around them and rest my chin on my knees. I nod. “And a gray-eyed one as well.”
During Christmas dinner, she knew something was on my mind even though I tried to pretend everything was okay. I ended up telling her about meeting Sol at Midnight Mass and the conversation with Levi. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told her I wasn’t ready to talk about it, and like always, she let me know I can talk to her whenever I’m ready.
Mom sets the coffee pot back on the counter, then glances over her shoulder at me. “Is that why you’ve been avoiding going to the diner?”
I nod, then sigh. “I’m a coward, right?”
She closes the lid on the mug, then walks toward me, and sits on the couch next to me. “Want to know something?” I nod quickly. “Having the capacity to love not one, but two people at the same time is brave. It’s okay to feel the way you do. I can’t imagine loving another man the way I love Chris.”
My eyes widen. “You love him?”
She nods and smiles. “I do.”
“Have you told him yet?”
She nods again. “He knows. And stop changing the topic. Focus on you.” She gives me a hug then stands up. “I’m heading to the diner, then I’ll drive to Chris’s house afterward, so don’t wait up for me.”
“Say hi to Chris for me.”
Once my mother leaves, I grab the remote control and mindlessly scroll through the TV channels. My phone rings on the coffee table, startling me. I hold my breath and glance at the screen for the caller ID, then exhale, relieved when I see it’s MJ, and not the boys who have my heart torn into two.