My heart hiccups from the nature of his voice. There’s confusion, anger — bitterness at the world stuck in his throat.
I don’t blame him. It angers me all the more he won’t admit his denial to my face, though.
Maybe if he would, I’d be willing to come home.
“Well, as you said, I didn’t say no, so. I will say that your sorries are becoming empty to me, Mason. They are getting old and grating on my last nerve.”
I’m ashamed of myself for letting my body control my mind the other night. When Mason and I are angry with each other, the sex is near animalistic. It’s as satisfying as every time he touches me, yet there’s something about fucking each other when you are furious that makes it blistering. It doesn’t always solve the problem, but it releases the tension needed to let us know everything is going to be okay.
But as enjoyable as it can feel to give in to that passion, angry sex isn’t going to fix what Mason has done. I’m not sure what will.
Time will tell, I suppose.
Staring at him now, I don’t see the man I love. I recognize a man who wants to box as much as he wants me. I see a liar.
I see a man who is still hanging onto the last bit of hope, and would likely grasp hold of it if I said yes.
I can’t accept that. Can’t swallow it down. It’s wrong of me not to help my husband, I know it is, but by him calling Jacob isn’t going to get me to come home either.
“That’s good to hear, Mason. I’m.” I shake my head, eyes closing as I drop my chin toward the floor. I’m at a loss for what to say. I won’t say I’m sorry when it isn’t true. His might be empty; mine wouldn’t be.
He lost something he loved dearly. It was his livelihood. There are times in a person's life when good things have to come to an end. In Mason’s case, it happened before it’s time. It’s heartbreaking to know it’s part of the reason it could end us too.
“You're what?”
“I’m heartbroken. Utterly and devastatingly broken. You spit those words out easily just now. Do you not understand how easy it would have been to tell me how you felt in the first place? You didn’t tell me you wanted to box again, Mason. As much as it is hurting me, and it is Mason. I can’t forgive you for that.” I point to my chest. “You told someone else. Don’t you see how hurtful that is? How it makes me feel knowing my husband couldn’t come to me? You might have been scared to tell me how you feel, but that isn’t us either. No secrets, no lies, remember? You’ve been living with them, and I’ve been living in our perfect world. We’ve grown apart. Somewhere we did, and neither of us realized it.”
My heart bruises with the thought of us drifting further apart.
Because that’s what we are doing.
It scares me to death.
“I’ve broken us. I admit it. I went to Natalie, and I’ll regret doing so for the rest of my life. For you to stand there and act like any of this is easy on me is bullshit, Eden. We built a life together, and I tilted it, I didn’t blow it up. For Fuck’s sake, we aren’t growing apart. I can’t believe you’re just going to walk away from what we had? What we still have? What we’ll always have? What about Cody, after tonight are you walking away from him too? Christ, this is, I don’t know what it is. Insane. I love you. You walking out made me realize I don’t need to get in a ring. The one I wear on my finger is more important.” He holds his ring finger up, his band a temptation for me to run into his arms.
“I don’t think this is any easier on you than it is on me. I think you can’t admit defeat. I think you made so many poor choices, and it has us standing here spiraling out of control. I see your pain. I feel it in the deepest part of me. You can’t fix this until you fix yourself.”
“Jesus, Eden. You make me sound like I’m some crazy man that needs to be locked away, surrounded by four white padded walls. I’m not going off the deep end. I need time to sort through not being able to box again. Come home and help me.”
Time to sort through this? He’s got to be kidding me. “You’ve had two years to sort through it. Two years to open up and tell me. I don’t know how many times I have to say this; I’m not coming home when, after all, we’ve built you demolished to the ground by going to Natalie. You need to get that through your thick skull. You’ve hidden too much from me. You’ve lied to me. You’ve deceived me. You said things that you can’t take back, Mason. I can’t help to think there might be more your keeping from me.” Like what he’s doing to cope with my absence. Is he spending time with Natalie? Is he climbing the walls like I am?
Mason’s eyes water before he covers them in frustration while I struggle to swallow my tears.
This is so wrong and us being around each other is not helping.
I internally gasp when I see scabs all over his knuckles — a lot of them.
My heart tears a little more. I know my husband, he beat a punching bag to feel pain.
On instinct, I want to go to him and examine his wounds like I’ve done so many times. To kiss him, to sponge his agony into me more than it is.
I bleed it along with him. I breathe his air. Feel everything inside of him.
As much as I want to comfort him, to help him, I stay where I am.
On shaky ground. Right where the man I love has placed me.
Unsteady.
Damn him for causing a crack in our impossible to penetrate armor. Damn him to hell for breaking both our hearts into irreparable pieces.
I never thought I could hate and love my husband at the same time.
“How can you stand there and talk about what we have when you didn’t trust the bond we share to tell me how you feel? How could you have agreed to want a baby when you don’t? As far as Cody, I’m here, aren’t I? I’ll never walk away from him the way you walked away from me before I even knew it.”
I’d never walk away from Cody.
Anger clouds Mason’s hurt. It’s a good thing. At least for today. He needs to be angry. He needs it to drip off of him to where everyone out there can see. Cody is about to fight a man with more experience than he has. He’s about to show people what he has, and Mason needs to back him up. He needs to keep Cody’s head focused on what’s inside that ring.
He might get knocked down and stay there. He might knock his opponent out. Either way, Mason can’t show the vulnerability hidden underneath. Not when all eyes will be on him as much as Cody.
God, I want to clobber my husband upside his head. In a way, I’m glad he got caught sparring. Cody will keep an eye on him, and Gage will climb his ass. They shouldn’t be the ones taking care of him. It should be me. In truth, none of us should have to babysit a grown man who kept so much from the people who care about him.
“You are pissing me the hell off by putting words in my mouth. I never said I didn’t want a child. I said I needed boxing.” He sucks in an edgy breath. A furious grunt escaping his lips.
There it is, his denial speaking for him again.
“And now you say you need me more. What is it, Mason? Do you want to box? Do you want me? What is it that you want because, quite honestly, I don’t think you know? You want to box, then go for it. I don’t care. You keep your promise to that boy in there.” I point my finger in the direction of the door.