“Jesus Christ. Do you honest to God think I’d do that to him? No matter what happened, I will have Cody’s best interest at heart. Getting caught was an eye-opener for me. I’m drowning here, Eden, barely keeping my head above water without you. Barely able to stand myself for the way I’ve hurt you. We can work this out because we are stronger than this. Where you go, I’ll follow. I told you that, and I meant it. Natalie came by the gym the morning after you left, she said to give you time. Time is precious, and you are wasting ours by not coming home. I haven’t spoken to her since that has to count for something.”
So many things want to fly from my suddenly dry mouth when it comes to Natalie. I find it uplifting she didn’t contact him to let him know I fired her.
Still, she’s a wedge I’ll nudge a little further onto his side of the line.
“I’m sick and tired of Natalie said. I’ve listened to it for years. Natalie said this, and Natalie said that. I could have forgiven you for holding in your feelings about boxing. I understand better than anyone how much a part of your life it is, but I can’t forgive you for letting her replace me.”
“Jesus Christ, Eden. You are the love of my life. No one could ever replace you. Why don’t you ask me what you have running around in your head about Natalie and me, instead of beating around the bush like some teenage girl? You think I fucked her; you think I’ve been fucking her? Well, fuck you very much, wife, for allowing your mind to go there when the thought of being with any other woman has never once crossed mine. You don’t come home, and maybe it will.”
I wince. My head snaps back as if he threw an uppercut square into my jaw. He’s as blind when it comes to her as he is with denial.
For the longest time, we stand there, staring at one another. Tension coiling around our feet. My hurt from his words burning from the tips of my toes to the roots of my hair.
Whoever said words would never hurt, is full of shit. They cut more than anything. They discharge right out of someone’s mouth sharper than a point on an error and shred your insides apart.
“Now, who’s acting like a teenager? That is not the way you treat the love of your life. I will pretend you didn’t say that to me because you are bitter and hurt. You did cheat, Mason. Maybe not physically. You cheated on me by stripping my rights of being your wife the minute you opened your mouth to her. To me, that is unforgivable. I told you I didn’t want to talk about this here and now look where we are. You’ve pushed me further away once again. You're on a roll, Mason.”
His eyes narrow, nostrils flaring, hands fisting.
“And you are on one yourself. You are acting like a cold-hearted bitch.”
I know I am, and he deserves it. He turned me into one, so he can take this bitch’s wrath.
“Go fuck yourself and whoever else you damn well, please. You can’t have the best of both worlds. Not anymore.”
My knees buckle, everything feeling off-kilter; this situation is fragile, and we are making it worse.
I despise him for making me feel like a monster. Contempt running through my bloodstream that he can stand there staring at me, unable to see, he’s wronged me.
“Nice. Let’s stand here and call each other names. Let’s keep on digging our hole deeper. It won’t be long until we hit water and drown. Is that what you want, baby? You want me to bury myself in some other woman’s body? All you have to do is say the word, and I’ll find a nice warm body to drown you out. You are throwing our life together away over a mistake. Christ.”
He’s angry. He would never do that. God, I hope he doesn’t. He better open his eyes to the light before he’s pulled into darkness and can never find his way out.
“A mistake? Do you honestly think what you did is as simple as a mistake? How about a lack of communication? How about I’ve been fucking you for months to give you a baby? How about Natalie believes in me? How about the hundreds of times over the years Natalie has called, and you’ve left me sitting at a dinner table, left me in bed waiting for you to come back. There are plenty more times where you’ve left me to speak to her. How about fine, let’s get a divorce, but you’ll get nothing from me? How about Natalie is no longer my agent? I can go on if you want. You tossed all of that in my face. In my face, Mason.” I point at my chest once again, and then I get right up in his and shove my finger into his chest, and right back into mine.
“Me. Your wife. The one who has stood by you since day one. The one who believes in you more than anyone. You ripped my heart out of my chest. You did this. Not me. Words hurt as much as actions. You made your bed, lie in it alone, and leave me be, Mason. Do you understand me? But I’ll warn you, if I find out you have or do touch another woman, you won’t have to worry about boxing again because I will cut off your hands.”
When the music grows loud behind me, and the crowd starts to roar, I sigh and walk back in the direction I came.
I’ll give Mason a choice to follow me.
This time.
Chapter Fifteen
Mason
Life tends to go further south when a man continues to walk into his home to unwelcome silence, hitting his ears like drops of poison.
I never knew missing someone could take over every cell of your body and wring you out like a wet sponge, one goddam drop at a time. Then again, I never thought I’d wind up in a place in my life where I screwed up so badly the outcome would be me losing my wife.
Eden not being here isn’t the same as trying to figure out what puzzle piece goes where. She is the puzzle, the answer, the sum of what makes up my life.
Those thoughts, those feelings are nothing but an abundance of torment and torture, especially when you brought them on yourself.
How the hell do I pull the stake, I drove out of my heart without bleeding to death? It won’t ever happen. That bitch will stay there until I die.
I don’t want that shit in my blood. I want my wife; I want my boxing. I want my life back.
My mind wanders. The walls cave in; clarity hits the air with shockwave after shockwave. And a million different scenes that bring on some soul-warping emotions hit at once.
Mainly, how does a man deal with the end of his career at the same time he’s so fucking afraid it’s the end of his marriage?
Denial. I’m not even close to it. Instead, I’m heading straight to the mouth of hell.
The flaming gates are opening wide. All I have to do is slide right in and let them burn me alive. It smells worse than any damn thing. That, along with a slew of guilt, floating in the murky, muddled gutters of my brain, and I’m pretty sure I’ll be there for a while, begging for freedom, without my wife giving me a hand to pull me out.
That pill is harder to swallow than those I took to stop the ungodly painful headaches after a concussion. That thought alone makes my head pound, and my nerves wrap around my throat.
I went too far.
I pushed my wife away.
She’s gone, and I’m not able to catch her as she falls down her personal hole to hell.
Dread pulses through me.
An uneasiness I’m not going to be able to get rid of until I get my head on straight because truth told, I wouldn’t ever get over failing Eden if she didn’t come back.