“Fuck you.”
He sits down next to me on the couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. “Yeah, I mean, more than likely it would have been my cum, unless you snuck out yesterday.”
I hate him, but I’m oddly comfortable with him too.
I lay down on my back with my head in his lap, looking up at his handsome face. “I didn’t. I drank and passed out.”
“Classy.”
“That’s me.”
He looks down at me in his lap. “This is you. Why do you hide that from them?”
“I’m a trainwreck, Linc. And you know it. You’ve always known it.”
He looks pained. “You’re P. And so what if you’re fucked-up. We all are.”
I see a trace of him from before everything was ruined. The asshole who was sweet enough to talk me into moving into his family’s house because he wanted me to feel safe. “Your family has been ripped apart, Linc.” Our eyes are locked as I look up at him. “This is all our fault.”
“Stop saying that.”
“You know it’s true.”
It’s a cold, harsh whisper because he knows the truth like I do.
What we did destroyed us all.
One Year Ago
I can’t believe we’re here, that we made it to our senior prom. The years have flown by, and we’re no longer two nine-year-old best friends.
We’re both eighteen, graduating in a couple of weeks, and then going off to college.
We’ve both worked extremely hard in school. I was awarded a few grants for college, but because Colt’s parents are incredible, they’re picking up the rest of the cost for my education.
I’ll pay them back someday.
Prom was fun, but I’m more excited about the afterparty. The Sterlings have allowed us to go with several friends to their massive lake house in the Ozarks. We vacation here every summer with the family, so we’re familiar with it. They’ve done the same for Linc the last three summers as a reward for studying hard in college.
Although, I don’t believe Linc is studying all that hard.
He’s been home a few times but has mostly stayed at school. Part of me misses him, and the other part of me is relieved.
I can’t take his torture.
Unfortunately, I think he and his friends will be at the lake tonight too, considering he just finished his sophomore year at college, but I’m not thinking about Linc.
I smile as Colt holds my hand, and we drive down the curvy road toward the luxurious lake house. We changed out of our prom attire before we started our drive. He’s now in a polo and jeans, and I’m wearing jeans and a cute strapless, flowy, white cropped top.
My hair is still in the professional updo Nora insisted on paying for, along with a manicure and pedicure. This morning, she and I had a girl’s day that I will hold with me forever.
When our car and the five cars full of our friends arrive at the house, it’s not long before the party is in full swing. I look around the fancy lake house and really hope our asshole friends don’t totally destroy the Sterling’s second home.
The house is full of people, and I swear some of them I don’t recognize. They could be Linc’s friends or people from other houses and cabins around the lake, but all I’m thinking about is Colt, who’s tucked against me on the sofa in the living room. He has a beer in his hand, but he hasn’t had much of it, always responsible and in control.
I haven’t had much either, but I did take a fruity shot or two and feel warmness in my cheeks from the liquor.
“Colt.” I lean into his ear and feel him smile, his arm wrapped around me. “Let’s go find somewhere we can be alone.”
I feel him tense slightly as he hugs me closer. He’s been quiet the last few weeks, and I’m sure it has something to do with graduation coming up and us going to college soon. His father wants him to do well in school and eventually take over their family’s financial firm.
His lips brush over my temple as he turns his head, and his mouth dips to my ear. “Don’t you want to spend time with our friends?”
I shake my head, my eyes meeting his. “No.”
He smiles but seems nervous as he swallows and then nods, taking my hand as we climb from the couch and exit the crowded room. The lake house is almost as big as their actual house with room after room, and I follow Colt up the stairs to the third bedroom on the left.
His room.
He closes the door, and I feel his hands on my hips. Finally.
Everything feels so right as his lips find mine, and we start to kiss each other in the dark room, our bodies moving slowly toward the bed.
This is right. This is what I want.
Just Colt and me. Like it was always supposed to be.
My body falls under his on the bed as I lift his shirt up and over his head, and we kiss sweetly, softly, like we have so many times.
“I love you so much, Colt,” I say between kisses and holding onto his shoulders as his body hovers over mine.
“I love you too, Pea.”
This is going to happen. And I’m ready.
Although my heart is thundering in my chest.
I lower my hand to the button on his jeans and undo it, feeling that he’s hard and ready too.
His right hand braces him, lifting him up as he looks down between us. The moonlight peeking through the window creates enough light to reveal the pained look on his face before his forehead rests against mine. “I can’t.”
I swear my heart shatters to a million pieces in my chest as I look up at him. “What?”
“Pea, I can’t do this.”
“Why? Don’t you want to?”
“I do.” His voice is strained and sounds so weird.
“But you won’t. Why?” I feel sick and try not to vomit when I voice my greatest fear. “Am I too dirty for you?”
He climbs off me and sits on the edge of the bed, his hand in his hair as he leans hunched over. “Of course not.”
I’m angry now. I can’t take the rejection anymore, and I maneuver my body to sit next to him. “Then why? It makes absolutely no sense, Colt. We’re eighteen. We have two weeks until we’re out of high school. I’m on the pill. We supposedly love each other.” I stand up from the bed, feeling the nauseous feeling attacking me, and I point angrily at him, unable to keep my calm any longer. “Just say it, Colt.”
His head lifts, and he looks at me. “Say what?”
“That I’m not good enough for you.”
I see the silent war on his handsome face even in the minimal light. Something is so wrong here. I feel it, but I can’t place it. He isn’t himself. His voice is meek, and he looks sick. “When I saw you with a black eye . . .” No! I knew that would haunt me. I knew something changed that day. No. No. No. “I just realized how different we were.” I place a hand over my stomach as it revolts. He looks away from me and out the window. “We grew up so differently. It made me wonder what else you were hiding from me.”
He meets my eyes as mine well up with tears. He thinks I’m dirty. He thinks I’m a liar.
He’s not wrong.
I’ve hidden so much from him but not on purpose. I just never wanted my life to touch him. I was never touched other than the one black eye. But the horrible housing conditions I grew up in, my drug-addicted mother, the stories I’ve heard from other foster kids, I didn’t want him to know about any of it.