The man I knew only to be bold, commanding, and dominating, they knew as reticent, unassuming, and passive. At least I understood a little better how his double life operated. The person at the foundation of it all was caring—I believed that with all my heart. He just showed that care in different ways.
"Are you planning your exit?" Aver asked quietly so he wouldn't disturb the frogs' singing.
He held me in what I would call his favorite position, with my back to his chest, snuggled between his legs—or on his lap—with his arms around me.
"No." I nudged him playfully with the back of my head. "But I am wondering why me? This thing you did, going off into the city to be one person so you could return to Walker County and be another—what made you stop? Why bring a stray home this time?"
Aver's growl shook from his chest and through my back. But it was comforting by now, not scary. "You aren't a stray."
"But why me? Why bring me back—" My throat closed in an instant, blocking any other words from being spoken. They couldn't make it around the dam of jealousy and uncertainty that suddenly flooded me.
"What? Did you see something?" He moved behind me like he was searching our surroundings.
"No, I…" I didn't want to ask, but if I didn't, the question would eat at me. This was why I was always honest and open: because not knowing was worse and would drive a wedge between us faster than anything else could. I didn't want that to happen, so even though I felt uncertain, I asked, "Am I the first? I just assumed…but I guess you could have brought men that didn't get so stir-crazy and ruin everything with a bike tour of the island."
"While I hope the next time you want to go for a bicycle ride on the highway, you'll tell me so I can go with you, no, Hollister. You ruined nothing. You're my one perfect thing in this mess, but you must know that this was a mess of my causing. I created this. Not you."
I exhaled shakily. I'd been more worried about that than I'd let show. Jealousy also wasn't a common emotion for me. I didn't believe love always flowed one way between two people. Love was an entire system of rivers, stretching and branching, coming together before splitting apart. Love was fluid and changing, taking an infinite number of forms.
I still believed all of that. But I also didn't like the idea of Aver having shared things that had become sacred to me with other people. It was a selfish emotion but not something I could change at the moment.
Aver exhaled, tightening his embrace and blocking me from much of the cold air.
A late cover of clouds had drifted in, blocking the moon and stars. The bay stretched out in front of us. The rolling, inky surface now looked sinister when it had once been inviting.
"I never liked leaving the city. The person you spent our first days together with, that's the real me."
"Then why not share the real you with your close family?"
Aver sighed before resting the side of his face against my head. The man I'd been with for the past couple of days had been passionate and sexy, but he hadn't displayed this sort of sweet vulnerability. I liked seeing that he could be both.
"It's difficult to explain, but a lot of it was fear. That and uncertainty. When the four of us left the pack, we were four hormone-fueled, testosterone-ridden, eighteen-year-olds—"
"I think I've seen that porno."
Aver tried masking his laugh with a growl. "I don't doubt it. But believe me, there was nothing sexy about us at that time. We were a confused, stinky mess. I'd been hiding my nature for years then. My parents had made it clear from before I'd even thought of sex that there was a right and wrong way."
Now, it was my turn to growl. Aver kissed my head, but it didn't feel patronizing, more like he understood completely.
"My body changed, and as I grew into being an alpha, it was obvious early on that, despite every attempt not to, I'd turned down the wrong way. So I hid it. And to hide one, I had to hide the other. And then our eighteenth birthdays came, and our parents took us to that field, and the years got muddy for a bit. But instead of taking the chance to spread my wings and test my limits, I drew inward.
"I hated and loved my parents. I wanted to never see them again, but I still wanted them to be proud of me. Somewhere along that path, I'd settled on proving them wrong. The plan became work, keep out of trouble, and prove to them that I could make them proud. Then I was going to come out in a blaze of glory…" He sighed. "It all sounds so juvenile now that I'm saying it out loud. A man, nearly forty, still looking for his parent's approval."
That wasn't at all how I would've described Aver's situation. "I get it. I was adopted. My parents chose me to be their son, and then they chose for me not to be."
"I'm sorry, pet. Here I am, complaining when you've gone through the same thing. But you stayed true to yourself."
I turned my upper half around so I could see his face and cup his scratchy cheek. "We can't all take the same road. Besides, your situation is completely different. You had roots. I don't think I ever really took root at that house. I mean, you've seen my place. And if that was preferable to their house, it gives you an idea."
Aver frowned, but I thought it was because he was picturing my house again.
I stretched my neck to kiss him, planting my lips on his sturdy chin. "I understand the why now, but not what changed. You seemed to have a working system." One that was slowly chipping away at his soul, but that didn't mean he hadn't been able to keep the parts of his life portioned away from each other, like a picky eater making sure the foods on their plate didn't touch.
Aver kissed my lips. "You, pet. It was you. I saw you at the club, and it was all over for me. Even if I didn't know it yet. I couldn't put who I was away anymore. That ability broke the more time I spent with you. But, even though this started because of my reaction to you, I think now it's me who has changed irrevocably. Kiss by kiss, you extinguished the fire that fueled my desire to show my parents how wrong they are. I was never going to convince them otherwise. It took about a week of time with you to see that."
"You're giving me too much credit. I didn't even know the situation. If anything changed, you changed it." I kissed him so he couldn't disagree.
As was his way, he quickly took over the kiss, slipping his tongue through my lips. This day had marked the longest time we'd gone without having sex with each other, and my body was beginning to protest.
But I still had questions. My dick twitched in protest. Believe me, buddy, I know. There were a few topics that were still more important than getting naked. "Now that you know I have powers like the others, what does this mean? Does it make me your…" What was the word they'd used? It had sounded barbaric while also feeling like a hug. "Mate. Am I your mate? Am I allowed to ask that?"
When Aver didn't immediately respond, it was as if he'd unleashed bubbles of anxiety inside me. I didn't understand what mate meant in this context. Maybe it was something he didn't want me to become. Even though I didn't understand the word, that Aver could not want me in any capacity was a fear I was only then facing. Love was fluid, but this had felt permanent. Unless it only felt permanent for me.