‘Of course. It’s one of the reasons I’m out here – the pursuit of happiness.’
‘But do you think it will make you happy? Like, if you died tomorrow, would you close your eyes and float into the blackness feeling like you’d done enough with your life?’
‘Blackness? Why isn’t there a light?’ He looks alarmed.
‘Okay,’ I say. ‘Light, if that makes you feel better.’
‘It does.’ He smiles. ‘Er, I don’t know. I don’t really have any ambition career-wise. I just take each day as it comes. Obviously, I won’t be a Heavenly Hunk when I’m a wizened old geezer, but I’d be game for the Aged Adonises if the opportunity arises.’
I laugh softly. ‘The Aged Adonises; I like it. What about putting down roots, like a house and family and all that normal stuff?’
He shakes his head. ‘I think I’m going to like being on the road. The Canaries has year-round sun and I’m a simple guy so that will do me. Just because it’s normal for other people to settle down and have a family, doesn’t mean it has to be for us. We define our own normal in the confines of what makes us happy. How long have you been out here, Kat?’
It takes me a minute to run the calculation. ‘Eight years.’
‘And you’ve been happy all that time?’
I nod.
‘So why change it?’
I sigh. ‘I wouldn’t even have questioned my life this morning, but a bloke from my year at school died suddenly yesterday. I read about it on Facebook – I guess that’s why I can’t sleep.’
‘God, I’m sorry, Kat.’
‘No, it’s fine. I mean, it’s sad and everything but he wasn’t a close friend. He was more of a bully back in school if I’m honest. Anyway, he had all the normal boxes ticked – married with a child, and did all these exciting, memorable things – and not only will he be missed by tonnes of people, he also died knowing he lived.’
‘You mean hanging out with hot male strippers every day isn’t living?’
‘Touché. I suppose to my Facebook friends back in England I’m living the life of Riley – whoever Riley is or was. But, seriously, I’m not really moving forward, if that makes any sense?’
‘What do you mean?’ Jay avoids bringing up marriage again, and I appreciate the sentiment but the prompt for more depth makes my skin prickle with unease.
‘Sorry, I shouldn’t be burdening you with all this “woe is me” stuff. I’m your boss and this is hardly a great introduction into the Hunks.’
‘I’m happy to listen. Try me.’ He’s lying casually on his side, head propped up on his arm, eyes on mine. I feel hypnotised, compelled into talking about things I normally lock away. It’s so confusing – it’s not even like he’s pushing me to talk, it’s just something about his energy. All I know is, I need to put a stop to this; it’s unprofessional.
‘No, it’s fine. I think I just need a good night’s sleep,’ I say.
Jay’s face falls. I’ve offended him but better this than getting too close. I say a quick goodnight and head to my apartment.
Chapter 6
The following evening, we’re doing a small show in a local bar. It’s an un-ticketed event but the owner pays us a bit of cash and the social media coverage is usually worth it. My only problem this evening is that the place is so cramped that the front row only need to bow their heads slightly to manage a salty lick of Marcus’s abdomen and I have a strict ‘no touching’ policy. There’s no dressing room, so we get ready in the toilets, which means I can go in the ladies and be by myself a while. As I’m walking in, the bar manager calls me over.
‘Sergio, is everything all right?’ I ask.
He furrows his brow as though whatever he’s about to say pains him greatly. ‘Kat, you know we love having the Hunks here? The problem is, our footfall is dropping. I had to send all my bar staff out on the streets to drag people in tonight with the promise of a free shot and the situation is getting worse. I can’t guarantee we can afford to host the Hunks for the next few months.’
When I look back at the audience, I notice the chairs have been purposely shoved forward to make the room look busier and a bar man is wandering around handing out red coloured shots. I manage to nod an acknowledgement but a heavy weight drops in my stomach. This is the second cancellation this week. ‘Oh, okay. I’m sorry to hear things are quiet but I understand. Let’s hope things improve soon.’
He puts a hand on my shoulder, ‘I’m sorry Kat. As soon as things pick up, we’ll get you booked back in.’
‘Of course, thanks for letting me know, Sergio.’
When I get into the toilets, I slump against the wall and check the booking calendar. We still have plenty of gigs; we should be okay.
After the show, the guys go off to have some drinks but I spot Jay approaching me as I go to leave.
‘Not going out for a drink?’ I ask.
‘Nah, I’m shattered. I told you anyway, I’m too old for all of that.’
I smile. ‘Well that makes two of us. Come on then, I’ll chaperone you home.’
He grins sheepishly, picking up on my reference. ‘So, are you feeling any better about life?’ he asks as we set off.
‘Yes,’ I say, hoping we can draw a line under it, although part of me is intrigued by Jay. He’s the same sort of age as me and he’s just come over here. What’s he running from? Divorce?
‘Good, as long as you’re happy, don’t worry about fitting into a box.’
The truth is, all day I’ve been thinking about my life. In a few years, I’ll be forty and if I do want to settle down with a house and kids and stuff, time won’t necessarily be on my side. I have to be sure the decision I made eight years ago is still right for me.
‘I don’t know how to be sure,’ I say. ‘You’re in a similar position – does it not worry you to think this could be it?’
He clenches his jaw. ‘I made my peace with being alone a long time ago.’
He picks up pace and I find myself almost running to keep up.
‘Are you okay?’ I ask, taken aback by his sudden clamming up.
‘I’m fine. I’m not the one questioning life – I’m happy to talk through your problems but please don’t try and put them onto me and make out we’re in a similar position. With all due respect, we’re not and I’m fine.’
‘I … You’re right. I’m sorry,’ I stammer and I hate myself for it.
‘No …’ his tone is softer now, ‘… I’m sorry for sounding grumpy. I think moving so far south has given me a bad latitude.’
I cast him a sideways glance and see he’s smirking. I shake my head.
‘That was terrible,’ I say, laughing softly and we fall into an amicable silence. He’s every right to keep his personal life private but I can’t help being drawn to his story, even though it’s obvious he doesn’t want to share it. When we reach the square outside our apartment block I sit on the wall of the fountain and to my surprise, he sits down next to me.