‘It’s normal you know.’
‘What is?’
‘Thinking about having a family and stuff. I’m the one who is probably a bit different.’
‘No, each to their own,’ I say. ‘I have been married before.’
‘Oh.’ He doesn’t pry but I find myself wanting to give a little more.
‘It didn’t work out and I’ve become a much stronger person on my own. I’m independent both financially and emotionally and I don’t want to jeopardise that. That’s why I’m scared to venture back into the world of dating.’
He doesn’t reply; instead, he nods.
‘It sounds silly out loud but I have my reasons.’
‘You could always try it – one date wouldn’t mean settling down,’ he says. I know he’s right but it scares me so much.
‘It’s just all that stuff with Tommy dying that’s made me feel like this. I was fine before that. I guess it’s just shaken me up.’
‘Try it. Plenty of people use Tinder these days for casual dating. It doesn’t have to mean anything.’
‘I guess not,’ I say without conviction. ‘I just don’t think that sort of stuff is for me.’
Jay furrows his brow, seemingly unconvinced. ‘How long have you been single?’
I don’t need to run a mental calculation for that. ‘Almost nine years.’
Jay whistles through his teeth. ‘Have you honestly not been on a date in all that time?’
I shake my head. ‘I’ve not felt the need to. I’ve always had the Heavenly Hunks to keep me busy.’
‘That’s fine if you’re happy. Forgive me for saying, but you can’t have been short of offers.’
Heat creeps up the back of my neck. ‘It’s just not something I’d considered – I love having my independence and being in charge of my own destiny.’
‘Fair enough,’ he says and I like that he respects my choice. ‘I meant what I said last night. I don’t mind listening if you want to talk about it?’
I look him in the eyes to anchor myself to the spot. The conversation is awkward enough that I want to bolt, but maybe talking will be good. I haven’t sat down and talked about this with anyone before and I did feel a little bit better after chatting to Jay last night. I sit on the wall of the pretty fountain outside the hotel, allowing the gurgling patter of the water to momentarily fill the silence. Jay follows.
‘I just don’t know if I’m treading water and going through the same motions without really evaluating if being alone is still what I want, or what I might want in the future. I just worry that maybe one day I’ll wake up older, regretting not doing more of the “normal” stuff.’
‘So, I get it if you’re happy being single, but you’re obviously not as convinced as you thought you were. Why not go on a date and see how things pan out? If you don’t feel comfortable or whatever, no harm done.’
I scrub the soles of my shoes on the crunchy gravel. It makes a satisfying noise. ‘I didn’t really have many friends at school.’
I pause, waiting for him to say something, but he doesn’t and I realise I’m relieved to be able to carry on.
‘I wasn’t pretty or cool, and most of the kids found it hilarious to call me names. It never really went much beyond that but still … Anyway, by the time I started uni, I’d discovered make-up, highlights, hair straighteners and the joys of buying my own clothes rather than the ones my mum picked up in the C&A sale. I started to get … offers.’ I repeat Jay’s word but almost choke on the awkwardness of it. I glance at Jay who is, to his credit, wearing his best poker face.
‘I met Iain.’
‘Your husband?’
I nod. ‘He was good-looking, a bit of a Jack-the-lad with plenty of charm, but a good laugh. Everyone knew him, and if there was a big night out or a party, the first thing people wanted to know was: would Iain be there? Then at a party one night, he asked me if I fancied going outside so we could chat properly – “21 Seconds” or something was probably rattling out of some tinny portable CD player – and I jumped at the chance. I couldn’t believe he’d noticed me.’
‘It sounds like you didn’t give yourself enough credit,’ Jay says.
‘Well, I was a young woman, swept up in the affections of one of the hottest guys on campus. We dated on and off. He’d always dump me and then turn up in the middle of the night, crying because he’d made a mistake. After uni, we ended up together properly. He was a bit jealous and possessive then, but at the time I was flattered. I thought it just meant he really cared.’ I wriggle uncomfortably – the discomfort has less to do with the stone fountain wall threatening to bestow haemorrhoids upon me, and more to do with the words falling out of my mouth.
‘I made a mistake. I love you, Kat.’ Part of me is annoyed for opening the door but the other half of me is so glad to see him. When he dumped me, it was like a bear had clawed a hole in my chest. I couldn’t breathe. Now that he’s here with tear-stained cheeks and big puppy eyes, telling me he’s sorry, I know I’ll forgive him.
‘Please listen to me, Kat! You know you won’t find anyone better. Most guys like skinny girls with blonde hair. I’m different, Kat, I love you for who you are.’ He takes my hands and pulls me closer. ‘Not everyone can see past looks and really see the good in someone.’
I swallow hard. He’s right. When I go out, I see those skinny girls he’s talking about and when I look in the mirror, I see exactly what he means.
‘Kat, forgive me. I love you.’ He presses his wet, salty lips to mine and I find myself responding. We can put all of this behind us now. It’s our new chapter.
I shake the memory away.
‘He proposed. I was thrilled and we got married. Long story short, I didn’t do the dating thing, ever, so you can see how looking to start now is a little bit scary for me.’
The corner of Jay’s mouth twists. ‘I can, but you can’t let that hold you back forever. Not when you have doubts about whether you’ve chosen the right path.’
‘No. In fact, I’m going to look at my options,’ I say decisively.
‘So, you’re going to try a date?’
Saying it like that makes me freeze. I’m about to protest, but I pause. What do I have to lose? A few hours of my life?
‘Yes,’ I say, taking out my phone. ‘I’m going to try one of those dating app things.’
I can’t believe how easy it is. Download the app, sign in with Facebook and voila, in no time at all I’m flicking through pictures of guys like they’re in an Argos catalogue.
‘You don’t mess about.’ Jay laughs as I’m swiping left through several pictures.
I shrug, then pause with my finger hovering over a photograph of a guy who looks all right.
‘Who is it?’ Jay asks, leaning over.
‘A guy who works in a bar near here.’
‘Sounds like he has all the right credentials,’ Jay teases.
‘I’m going to do it. I’m swiping right,’ I say.
‘Good for you,’ Jay says. ‘Listen, I’ll leave you to it.’