My heart thumped hard against my chest, and I lifted my hand to her arm, needing to touch her. Needing to understand even more because everything was suddenly jumbled in my head. “I do want you. I always want you. I just... I don’t understa—”
“You needed that.” This time, when she looked at me, there was so much honesty and truth in her eyes, it brought everything else to a standstill. “You needed to let go like that and see that nothing bad would happen when you did. And I needed to feel safe. Which is exactly how you made me feel.”
“Safe?” That made no sense at all.
“Yeah.” Her lips curled in the sweetest, most special way. “You make me feel safe when you’re in domineering, alpha-male mode. Women are taught that we’re supposed to be these tough, independent creatures who don’t need anyone else to survive. And I believed that for a long time. Then you came into my life and opened my eyes to a whole new world. And I fought it. I thought giving in to what someone else wanted made me weak. But I realized... It didn’t make me weak at all. Loving you, giving you what you needed, actually made me strong. It made me powerful because what you needed most was for someone to love you and trust you completely. And I do.”
She drew close and skimmed her fingertips over my jaw. “I trust you with my mind and my body and every part of my heart. And I know you’ll never hurt me.”
I couldn’t breathe. The things she was saying, the way she was saying them... It was as if she climbed inside my soul and made herself at home. “I wouldn’t. Ever.”
Her lips curled again. “Which is why I can let go with you, Luc. I’ve never been able to do that with anyone else. Not even with myself. I didn’t even know I could before you. But now that I do... I need it. When I feel like the world is crazy and upside down, one firm touch from you, one sexy order, one domineering look fixes everything because I know in a matter of minutes nothing else but you is going to matter. All that will matter is what you plan to do to me and how it will make me feel. I don’t have to think. I don’t have to plan. I can let go, give you total control, just be and enjoy. And I know you’ll make me feel good, you’ll make me feel safe. And after, the world won’t seem as crazy or messed up, because I have you.”
I stared at her, completely moved by what she’d just confessed. She made everything I liked, all the dominant urges I’d been fighting, sound... pure. And honest. And wholesome. Not dark and dirty and vile as I’d always believed.
I didn’t want to think my family had finally corrupted her. I didn’t want to believe they’d had any kind of influence on her. But I needed to be sure.
“Don’t you...” I swallowed hard. “Aren’t you afraid I’m like them?”
“Never. You are not like them. Do you hear me? What they do is for power and control. What happens between you and me is about pleasure. And trust. And love. And I love you, Luc. I love the soft, tender man you are, and I love the dominant, creative lover who’s pushed me in ways I never knew I’d like. And I need both sides of you. It’s who you are. It’s who I fell in love with. And until you stop denying that part of you, we are never going to heal from what they did to us. I won’t let them take that part of you away from me. I need you. I need all of you.”
I lifted my mouth to hers, overwhelmed by her words, by the love I felt for her. And when she pulled me in and whispered, “Let me have all of you,” I rolled her over and gave up the fight.
I gave up everything I’d been holding on to—all the pain, all the anger, and every bit of shame I’d been carrying with me since that night.
I gave myself fully to her. And in the process, I gave myself permission to start over.
10
Natalie
I let Luc sleep in. I knew he hadn’t gotten much rest the last few days, so I didn’t wake him when I crawled out of bed. After our conversation last night, I knew he wasn’t just physically tired, he was mentally and emotionally wrung out as well.
Marco and Felicity had left some time after dinner, so the house was quiet as I moved around making tea and straightening up. Aside from the cold, I kind of liked Scotland, what little of it I’d seen, and I could get used to living on a beach. I’d always lived in a land-locked state. The rolling waves had a calming quality I found I needed, especially now.
As I sat on the patio with my knees drawn in and a blanket wrapped around me, watching those waves, I thought about Luc and our conversation last night. I wasn’t sure how much it had helped—or if it had helped. Yes, we’d made love again, but it had been sweet and tender, and although we’d both needed that emotional connection after everything we’d discussed, I still wasn’t sure if I’d gotten through to him. If I’d made him realize I loved every part of him, even the parts he didn’t think were loveable.
The screen door opened at my back, and I glanced over my shoulder to see the man I’d just been thinking of moving down the steps toward me, already showered and dressed in jeans and a soft blue sweater, looking sexy and every bit the man of my dreams.
“There you are. I was starting to think you’d run off.”
“I was trying to let you sleep.” I handed him some of my blanket as he sat next to me on the outdoor couch, moving close just as I wanted him to do.
He wasn’t content just to be close, which made me smile. He pushed me forward so he could slide behind me, then pulled me in so I was completely surrounded by his strength and heat.
His lips brushed my temple as he held me tight. “I sleep better when you’re next to me.”
“Mm.” I sighed and relaxed into him. “I’ll remember that.”
We sat in silence for several minutes, listening to the sounds of the water lapping the shore, and I closed my eyes and told myself, no matter what, we were together. We could get through anything so long as we held on to each other. I believed that. If I was patient, if I gave him time, the Luc I knew was in there would find his way back to me.
“I was thinking about driving into Edinburgh,” he said softly near my ear.
“You were?” My eyes came open, and I looked out at the water. “What for?”
“Felicity left a name on the counter. I called, and they can see me at two p.m.”
Shocked, I pushed up and turned so I could face him. “You called the counselor?”
“Yeah.” He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, looking nervous and completely unsure. “I’ll go alone if I have to, but I was kind of hoping, maybe, you’d go with me?”
My heart pounded so hard, I was sure he had to hear it. “Of course I’ll go with you. I-I didn’t even know you were thinking of it.”
“I wasn’t. Until last night. But, what you told me...” He blinked rapidly, and I realized he was struggling to put his emotions into words. “I want to be what you need. And I need to find a way to be the man we both remember.”
I threw my arms around him and held him to me, fighting to keep from crying, because I knew how hard this was for him. “I love you. You know that, right? I love you no matter what.”
“I know. It’s the one thing I know with absolute certainty.” He slid his arms around my waist. “There’s no way you’d put up with a shit like me if you didn’t.”