“Thanks for seeing me.” She headed to the door. “I know you’re busy.”
“I can always make time for you and your mom.” I hadn’t had a relationship with Lanie or her family once we broke up but I’d reconnected with them at the funeral. Something Lanie would have wanted from me.
“My mother would like to have lunch with you.”
“That would be lovely.” I opened the door for her. “Let me know when and I’ll arrange it.”
“X,” she said. “Don’t take too long to read that letter. I wish she’d left one for me.”
I nodded as she exited my office. Before the door could fully close, I caught her warning my assistant in true Kate fashion. She was never one to let an opportunity go, especially when she thought she was right.
“Sweetie, you should find a new job.” Kate’s tone was a mix between sarcasm and truth. “While your boss is one of the sexiest men in town, he’s a ruthless bastard on the inside. You’ll never please him.”
At least she’s accurate.
Later that night, I took my drink out onto the balcony that overlooked the Manhattan skyline of my newly acquired apartment. It was more than an apartment, if I was being honest. I’d taken the top two floors of the historical high rise just across the river and renovated it into my very own oasis. I still had the advantage of living near the city and being close to my business but when I came home, I was far enough away from all the noise and congestion of my daily life.
Sitting in front of the fire pit that warmed the outside on this brisk October evening, I stared at the letter Kate had given me. I’d managed to put it out of my head all day. It wasn’t difficult to do. Although Lanie’s death was tragic and unexpected, we hadn’t left any loose ends between us. We’d gone our separate ways and our split was amicable once she realized I could never give her what she wanted. My complete attention. I’d hurt her but once we agreed living apart was better than being together and creating resentment between us, we knew it was the right decision.
Whatever was inside that letter, wouldn’t change what we were to one another. She would always be my first real love. The only woman I’d ever had a serious relationship with. After we separated, I realized my first priority was my company. Everything and everyone else took a backseat. Another issue Dr. Alvarez was trying to help me break through.
I took the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. While taking a sip of my whisky, I thought maybe the next hour with my therapist could be spent talking about this letter. I’d probably get more out of that conversation than any of my current sessions.
X,
You’ll probably never read this but I need to clear my conscience.
That didn’t sound promising. I took another sip from my glass as I continued reading.
I hate the way we left things even if I agreed to your terms and walked away. You thought it was for the best because you said I couldn’t handle your career. As usual, you were right. I didn’t want to be second in your life while you became a billionaire. I admire and respect your determination. I watched you grow your company and become the success that you are. When I realized that determination was never going to end and you would always be chasing the next success, I knew it would never work for us.
I needed to be the center of your world. I don’t blame you. I’m proud of your accomplishments. I wish I could have found a way to tell you that when we were together instead of acting out and making things difficult for you those last few months.
Anyway, that’s all in the past. Here comes the confession part. The only reason I can write these words is because I know you’ll never read them. Shortly after we ended things, I discovered I was pregnant. Me, pregnant? I couldn’t be responsible for a goldfish, right? We were over. We were better off that way. I couldn’t tell you about the baby. It’s almost two years later and I still can’t. I don’t think I ever will.
I didn’t keep her. I couldn’t. I gave her to good people. Parents who can raise her together and give her the life we couldn’t. Not that I don’t think you’ll make a fantastic father one day but you weren’t ready. Neither was I. Our little one deserved better.
My only regret is that you’ll never know a part of us lives on in this world. I’m sorry, X. That’s all I really wanted to say. It’s better this way.
You’ll always have my heart,
Lanie
No! I slammed my drink down as I reread the letter. Was this a joke? It had been almost five years since we split. Why hadn’t she ripped this letter up? The same way she had done before? Five years! I could have a child out there? One I would never had known about if not for this absurd confession. Of all the irresponsible things...
I grabbed my phone from the table and began scrolling through my contacts. I paused when I came to Dr. John Alvarez. My therapist should have been my first call but my instincts told me to keep scrolling until I found my P.I. If there was any truth to that letter, he would find it. That would be far more valuable to me than analyzing my feelings.
2
Xavier
I waited as John read the letter. The one I’d committed to memory. The message filled with words that had cut me deeper than I ever thought could. My shrink was focused, quiet as he pressed a pen to his lips. I was tempted to take my phone out and get some work done while he pondered but the good doctor frowned upon technology during a session. Something about being unplugged.
He neatly folded the paper and placed it back in the envelope. I couldn’t wait to hear his take on this subject.
“Well.” He handed the life-altering note back to me. “This is a significant development.”
“You think?” I put the letter in my inside suit pocket. “A development I don’t need.”
“Is that how you really feel?”
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. That’s why I’m here.” I rested my head against the back of the chair, taking sanctuary in the one place where I could let it all go. “My life is complicated. I have so much going on with my business. I travel all the time. I’m single for a reason. We’ve been over this. A kid?” I was still trying to process that concept. “I rarely date these days. I wasn’t prepared for this.”
“You said Lanie wrote letters all the time. Is it possible this was something she wrote but it wasn’t true? A fantasy she never intended for your eyes?”
“I suppose that’s a possibility.”
Lanie was quirky and marched to the beat of her own drum. All the characteristics that initially drew me to her ended up being the reasons I couldn’t be with her. She wanted to pick up and travel on a moment’s notice. She’d often make a spontaneous dinner reservation without checking with me and then be upset when I couldn’t meet her.
“Why would she keep the letter if it wasn’t true? Why even write it?”
“That’s a question I can’t answer but the good news is, we have time to work through this.”
“What do you mean?”