Do what Amy would want you to do. Be there, but only if you need to be.
The voice inside my head calms me enough for me to rationalize with myself. Yes, I’ll only be there if I need to be. Only help if I’m needed.
A little of the guilt in my gut fades away, but I still feel it deeply, like a crater of an asteroid impact it remains, the gaping hole refusing to ever heal. Lily already left her mark on me, and it’s going to take an epic amount of effort to forget that she fucking exists again.
2
Lily
Sebastian was different. Yes, I expected him to be different given the last time I saw him I was only nine, but I just didn’t expect him to stir all these feelings inside me.
It left me breathless, and dare I say, flustered. Age looked good on him. Tall, toned, and tanned. Sebastian was gorgeous, and he knew it. Guys like him always knew how good looking they were. At first glance, I thought maybe he was a student and not the Dean of the school, he looked young, and very much like the rest of the men that I had seen roaming around campus.
I tried to stop myself from thinking about him, his face that looked like it had been carved from stone, his lips, full, and his eyes dark and brooding.
He’s the same guy I remembered him to be, but without the sparkle, the life in his eyes had dimmed. I knew all too well about that. Every day, I thought about how I was still here, and they weren’t.
Every day, for the last decade, I’ve beaten myself up for being alive; breathing air, and doing all the things Amy never would, because she’s dead. Dead. All of them are dead, and a part of me wishes I was too.
Stop. I mentally tell myself. I need to stop thinking like that. I need to live up to my family’s wishes because, in the end, that’s all I have left of them. This is where Amy and my parents would’ve wanted me to be… in college, living my life to the fullest.
Sipping on the piping hot cup of hot cocoa that I’d ordered, I make my way to a corner seat near the window. My roommate, Delilah, is still upfront trying to decide what she wants. I can see her from where I’m sitting, her long brown hair bobbing in a high ponytail, while she has her hands on her hips and stares up at the menu board like it’s her enemy.
When she demanded we come to this place, I wasn’t so sure about it. I didn’t intend to make more friends than I needed to while at school. All my focus needs to be on my art and my homework, not on expanding my social circles. I don’t have the same luxuries that many of the other students do here.
I’m riding high on a scholarship; one I’ve worked exceptionally hard for.
Finally, having made up her mind, Delilah walks over to me, her own steaming cup of mystery goodness in her hands.
“What did you get?”
“Tea,” she answers before bringing the mug to her lips to take a tiny sip.
Wrinkling my nose at her, I reply, “Ewww, tea is gross. What’s it got in it? Flowers?”
Delilah’s blue eyes narrow. “Maybe? What’s it matter? You drink your disgusting chocolate stuff, and I’ll drink my flowers steeped in water.”
Shaking my head, I smile. Back home, or at my grandparents’ house, I had only a handful of friends, and none of them were anything like Delilah. She’s goodness, with a touch of light. She makes me smile when I don’t feel like smiling, but above all, she’s the friend I wish I’d had in high school.
Bringing my mug to my lips, I’m seconds away from taking another sip when the bell above the door sounds, and I glance up, seeing him walk in. Sebastian, and he’s not alone. It only takes me a second to recognize who it is standing beside him. Remington Miller. He looks so grown up now, mature, his body having filled out from the little boy that I remembered him to be.
My gaze flickers back to Sebastian. Is it wrong that my stomach starts to flutter in his presence, and my heart hammers against my ribcage, threatening to break free? If so, then I don’t want to be right, at least not until the guilt trickles in a second later. He hasn’t noticed me yet, so I use the moment to my advantage and drink him in.
His suit is tailored to his body, showing off all his sharp edges. My teeth sink into my bottom lip as I wonder what he looks like beneath that expensive suit.
Does he have an eight pack? Does he work out?
I can tell just from his frame that he does, the bulging of his shoulders, and biceps. The way he carries himself and how the fabric clings to him. He’s hiding a whole lot of deliciousness under that suit, and I’ll be damned if I don’t want to peel back all that fabric and take a peek. Just a peek. A tiny little one.
Those hazel eyes of his swing around the room as if he knows I’m staring at him. At the last second, right before his eyes land on mine, I look down into my mug, watching as the little marshmallows dissolve. Stop thinking about him, Lily. I scold myself.
“Earth to, Lily. I’ve been calling your name for like ten minutes now,” Delilah huffs, dipping her tea bag in and out of the hot water, as if that could possibly make it taste any better.
“Don’t be so dramatic, you were not.”
“I was, and you were off in space, gazing at…” Delilah’s voice trails off, and she twists around in her seat to look at what I was staring at. Leave it to D to draw more attention to a subject than it needs.
“Stop, you’re going to embarrass me,” I growl, slapping her arm like a small child, after a second.
“Please,” she twists around, but not before locking eyes with Sebastian who is still standing in place, off to the side, just inside the door. He looks like I feel—uncomfortable. Why is this so weird? It didn’t feel this weird the other day in his office, did it? Maybe I’m just making it out to be weird. It must be all in my head.
“You aren’t the first to drool over the newly appointed Dean, and you won’t be the last. He looks young enough to be a senior attending the university, never mind, running the place. Don’t be embarrassed.”
She’s right, but that doesn’t mean I should be staring at him, basically drooling over him. Other students don’t have a connection to him like I do. He’s your dead sister’s boyfriend. The thought appears like a bright blinking warning sign in my mind. As if I need a damn reminder of how wrong it is for me to want his attention or affection. He might as well be fucking forbidden at this point. Not only is he the Dean of the university, but he’s also everything I shouldn’t want or need.
Pretending not to exist, I wait for the floor to swallow me whole as he goes up to the cash register with his brother and orders. This is normal, right? Us being in the same place at the same time? It’s not weird besides the fact that I kinda-sorta-want him?
My stomach twists and knots, so badly I’m certain I won’t be able to unknot myself later. I feel sick like I might actually vomit on the floor.
“You’re staring at him. Like staring deeply. Like maybe you know him?”
Know him would be an understatement.
My lips press into a hard line, and I avert my gaze back to Delilah, brushing a few strands of blonde hair from my face. I try my hardest not to take notice of him as he and Rem take a spot a few tables away from us.
“Oh, that’s it. You know him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be turning pink in the cheeks, and look like someone’s taken your panties, and hung them up next to the school flag in the quad.” Del announces in a whisper.