Walking outside, I hear Lily’s soft pitter-patter behind me. I don’t even bother to turn around and look at her. I simply get into the driver’s seat and watch her slide into the passenger’s seat out of the corner of my eye, refusing to look at her straight on.
Once she’s buckled up, and I pull out onto the road. I can’t stand the heavy silence that’s settling between us. I know what I need to do, what I need to say.
I’ll make sure that this was the last time she invades my private life.
Strangling the steering wheel, I reason for control over my emotions.
“You shouldn’t have come… this was a family gathering, and you didn’t belong there.” My tone’s clipped, and my gut twists just hearing the words I spoke out loud. I’m such an asshole, but I have to be if I want to protect myself, my emotions, my heart.
“Look, I’m not stupid, I already gathered that you didn’t want me there, but you don’t have to act like I invited myself or intruded on some secret gathering. Rem invited me and I said yes, because Jules and I are friends.”
I almost snort. “You knew each other as kids, that hardly accounts to being real friends.” I know that’s a low blow, but since I’m already going to hell, why not go all the way.
“You’re a real prick, Sebastian.” Her words are emotionally charged. Good, she’s pissed off, now she knows how I feel.
“I know that. Always have been…”
“We both know that’s not true. The way you’ve been acting today, that’s not how I remember you,” she interrupts, “you didn’t treat Amy like this or anyone for that matter. You’ve always been a kind person, the one who would give the skin off his back to help someone else.”
Her name. That’s all I really hear. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to my senses, and I damn near swerve into the other lane trying to rein myself in.
Clenching my teeth, I grit out, “Do not say her name. Don’t talk about her, don’t even mention her in my presence. The person you remember me being isn’t the person I am right now.”
Lily crosses her arms over her chest, and I swear, I see fire flicker in her blue eyes.
“Pfft, that much is obvious. The Sebastian I knew never would’ve talked to me like this or made open-ended threats to me.” There’s a pregnant pause, and it looks as if she is gathering her thoughts, getting ready to attack me with another set of verbal rage. “You have a lot of balls telling me that I can’t speak my sister’s name in your presence, and even more acting like an asshole to me. I lost so much more than my sister that day, but yet you want me to pretend…” She looks away, and strands of blonde hair fall into her face. When she looks back at me, it feels like I’ve died and gone to hell.
“Maybe you can pretend that she didn’t exist, but I can’t.”
Pretend? Didn’t exist. She’s lost her fucking mind.
I bite my tongue, wanting to scream, wanting to tell her that I could never forget her sister, much less now with her sitting beside me as a never-ending reminder but I don’t because I’m afraid of hurting her, of the words coming out wrong.
The air inside the Jeep grows hotter and hotter, and I’m so close to snapping it’s taking every shred of patience I have not to lash out at her, to say something that will most definitely cut her down the middle. I’m not a mean guy, but I want to hurt Lily, simply because she exists, and her sister doesn’t and that’s not me.
This angry, vicious, cruel bastard isn’t me.
Reaching the dorm, I pull the Jeep to the curb and watch as Lily’s hand hovers over the door handle. She turns in the seat, and our gazes collide.
The vibrant blue of her eyes darkens, and I wonder if she’s going to cry. Fuck. I hate myself for being like this, but I can’t explain it. I can’t fix it, not without removing her from the equation. Opening my mouth, I will words to come, but they don’t. With the way she’s looking at me right now, I’m not sure if there is anything that I could say to make this better.
I’ve already hurt her enough, it’s probably best if I keep my mouth shut.
“Do you think I don’t see her every time I look in the mirror? That I don’t wish it was me that was in the car that day instead of her?” Her voice breaks at the end, tears brim her eyes, and all I can do is sit there, clutching onto the steering wheel. She’s just sucker punched me in the gut with nothing more than her words.
How do I respond to that? Can I even?
Before I can tell her that I’m sorry, that I don’t know what’s wrong with me, she climbs out of the car, slamming the door shut behind her.
Goddamnit. This isn’t how I wanted any of this to go. I don’t want to hurt Lily but being near her feels like I’m losing Amy all over again, and I just can’t bear it…I just can’t.
4
Lily
I thought coming to North Woods was the right thing, coming back to where I grew up, where I was born, but I’m starting to second guess that. Not when I can’t stop thinking about him. I know it’s wrong, especially after the way he acted, and the things he said to me.
I should hate him. I should never want to see him again, and forget he even exists but, stupidly, I don’t. All of this is wrong. Sebastian and me. The feelings I have.
As a student, I shouldn’t be wondering what he is doing, hoping that I might run into him every time I walk across campus. It’s sick and twisted, and I can’t put it into words. The hate but need that I feel. He’s the last piece I have of my sister and, as wrong as it is, I don’t want to let him go. I can’t.
Two weeks have passed since I last saw him. Classes have started and are in full swing now. College is definitely harder than I expected. For some reason, I thought studying art would be more fun and include less math and English classes. Welp, I thought wrong. I’ve already flunked a surprise math test that I had on Monday.
Which is shit for me being that I’m here on a scholarship and can’t afford to let my grades drop below a certain GPA. Of course, not having the textbook for said class doesn’t help. The scholarship only covers housing and tuition, not textbooks or anything else you might need to live. So, when I saw the price tag on the books, I had to make a choice between food for the next two weeks or printed paper. In case you were wondering, I chose food.
I try to throw myself into homework, hanging out with Delilah, and finding a job but every spare moment or thought leads me back to him. I’m so caught in my own head as I head to class that I almost run over Professor Berg, my beloved math teacher in the hallway. Luckily, I stop a few feet short of colliding with him.
“Ahhh, Miss Kline, I’m actually glad to have run into you. I was going to talk to you Monday before class but since I’ve got you now, would you mind stopping by the Dean’s office to talk to your academic advisor.”
“Uh, sure,” I say, but it almost comes out as a question. Why the hell is he sending me to talk to my advisor? Have I done something wrong? Broke some sacred rule? I should probably ask him. My mouth pops open, a question on my lips when he starts to walk away.