“It sounds like you need to talk to Rex about this.”
“I need you to tell me what happens if he wants a divorce. Will I get the kids? The courts side with the mother, right?” She paced away, then spun back around. “He can’t take my kids.”
Mason had never seen Amy this out of sorts and agitated. “Why don’t you take a seat and tell me what is really going on between you and Rex?”
She fell into the chair and folded her arms across her chest, defensive and angry. “I do everything for him. I cook. I clean. I do all the shopping. The man hasn’t bought a single article of clothing for himself in years. I take care of the kids. Is that enough for him? No.”
“Is that what he said?”
In his practice, he’d learned that often people perceived the other person thought something they’d never said. They put words in the other person’s mouth without ever really talking to them or asking how they really felt. Communication was the one thing people forgot to do when things fell apart. So many of his clients would still be together if they’d simply stopped assuming they knew what the other thought and started talking about it. And listened.
People didn’t really know how to listen anymore. They made everything about them. They wanted to be heard.
“He wants me to change the way I do things. He wants me to change my whole life. Like I’m the only one who has to change to make this work.”
“What exactly does he want you to change?”
She sat up and shouted, “Everything!” She fell back into a pout and folded her arms.
Mason took a breath and tried again, making this about Amy, not Rex. “What do you want to do?”
She opened her mouth, then shut it. It took her a second to finally respond. “I don’t know.” She dropped her gaze to the floor, then looked back at him. “That’s just it. I’m stuck. I created the life I wanted, but . . .”
“Now it’s not working,” he guessed.
“Yes. And no.” She unfolded her arms and sat up. “I know something has to change, but it’s just so much. What if it’s not enough?” She went quiet, silently winding herself up again with the thoughts running through her head and making her eyes narrow. “I’m taking the kids. He can see them every other weekend. That’s it.”
Mason sighed. “Is that what you really want?”
“I want him to realize that my life isn’t that easy. I don’t sit around all day watching TV and eating ice cream. It takes skill to organize two kids, school, their activities, playdates, homework, managing the house, and getting dinner on the table. I’d like to see him do the grocery shopping. He’d never know what to buy organic and what kind of toilet paper we use. He doesn’t have to think about the dozens of things I have on my plate, the decisions I have to make for our home and family. No. He just comes home, enjoys a home-cooked meal, plays with the kids and puts them to bed. You’d think that’s the end of my day. You’d be wrong. I’ve still got to make lunches for the next day, make sure their homework is in their backpacks and not left on the table, put their instruments or sports gear together and by the door so we don’t forget it, then clean up the dinner dishes and make sure the house is put to rights before I finally get to go to bed. I’m lucky if I get to watch a whole episode of . . . anything.”
“Have you asked Rex to help with any of that stuff?”
“He doesn’t know how to do it or doesn’t do it right and I have to fix it. I might as well do it myself.”
Mason raised an eyebrow. “He doesn’t know how to wash the dishes?”
She rolled her eyes. “He loads the dishwasher completely wrong.”
“So long as the dishes are in there, does it really matter? You’d get that time back?”
“You sound just like him. Why do I have to change the way I do things? Why can’t he learn to do things the way I want them done?”
“Have you shown him how you want it done without it sounding like a lecture or that you’re criticizing him?”
“Great. Now I’m a bitch for wanting things done right.”
Mason held up his hand and shook his head. “No. That’s not what I’m saying at all.” He tried another way to make her understand. “I find that with most of my clients the one thing they neglect to do is express what they want when things are good. Instead, they let resentments and anger build up and then demand the other person do what they want. They fall into patterns and never take the time to break them by having a civil conversation.”
“You want me to go to Rex and explain to him how to fill the dishwasher.”
He held his hands out wide. “Why not? If you told him that if he took over that chore in the evening it would free you up to spend time with him, don’t you think he’d be open to doing it for you? He knows you. He understands you like things done a certain way. I think if you told him it’s important that he does it your way so you aren’t anxious or worried about how it’s done, you could relax and enjoy your time with him without feeling like you had to do everything yourself.”
Her mouth scrunched with uncertainty tinged with anger, but he had her attention.
“I bet Rex could even pack the kids’ lunches or do some of the other things, like get their gear together for the next day, if you showed him how you want it done.”
She didn’t say anything, but he could see the wheels turning.
“If what he wants is more time with you, then put some of the things from your plate on his. Consider trimming some of the things on your to-do list that maybe aren’t so important to you or the kids. This is your life, Amy. If you aren’t happy and fulfilled doing the things you’re doing, let them go. Life is too short to be saying yes to everything only to be miserable doing them.” He took the seat next to hers and put his hand on her knee. “You are an amazing mom. Your kids are fantastic. I see how much you love them. I know a little bit about how much work kids can be from having Danny and Oliver here. After just a few hours, I’m exhausted sometimes. But I love being with them, just like I know you love being with P.J. and Emma. You want them to have everything possible. Which is why I know you don’t want to divorce Rex and take his kids away from him. You know your kids love and need their father. You love and need Rex. He wants things to change. So change by making him change with you. Talk to him. Teach him how to help you. Show him how to make you happy and less anxious.”
“You mean less of a bitch.”
“I doubt very much that’s how he feels. I bet he wants to make things better for you but he doesn’t know how. He’s trying to tell you that, but doesn’t know how to do that, either. You’re wanting something from him but not telling him what that is and how you want it done.
“You guys are great together when you work together. Things have gotten complicated and busy and it maybe feels like things have taken over your life together and you’re not really living it.”
Tears gathered in her eyes. “Yeah. It feels like that. I try to make time for myself, for him, and it all gets away from me.”
“You want to be everything to everyone. I’ve known a lot of women like you, who find it hard to say no. They take on everything. They are smart, capable, strong women just like you. And I have seen them find a new kind of happiness in taking back their lives.”