I haul her off her feet and settle her on my lap, pressing a kiss to her soft hair. I’m all set to lie to her, to tell her Jai needs to spend Christmas with his family in America and he’ll be back before we know it, but then Katya turns her face and I see Lesia’s hazel eyes staring back at me, and I can’t bring myself to do it. “I want him back, too, sweetheart.”
“When will he come back?”
“I’m not sure. Soon, hopefully.”
Her eyes light up. “Maybe Santa Claus can bring him back!” Ah, Jesus…
“Oh, I’m not sure, Katya—”
“Santa can do anything,” she argues. “I’m sure he can bring Jai back if I put that on my Christmas list. I’ll put it right at the top.”
I offer an affectionate smile. “That sounds like a smart plan.”
“When he comes back, will you and Jai get married?”
My eyes widen at the question. “Married?”
Katya nods eagerly. “Penny said people who love each other sometimes get married. And you love Jai, don’t you, Papa?”
“I do,” I answer warily, amazed at how insightful my seven-year-old can be.
“And Jai loves us. And when you get married Jai can be our papa too!”
I offer her a soft smile, my heart full of so much warmth it could burst. “You’d really like that?”
Her head bobs up and down so fast it’s a wonder it doesn’t fall off. “We’d have two papas! That’s more than other people!” She frowns for a moment. “But it might get confusing. If I say ‘hello, Papa’, how will you know who I’m talking to?”
My grin broadens. “Maybe you can call him ‘Dad’ instead?”
Her little face lights up with excitement. “Yes! We could do that!”
That is, of course, if Jai even wants to marry me and officially join this family. I hope I haven’t just gotten my little girl’s hopes up.
“Listen, Katya, what we’ve just talked about—about Jai becoming your dad? That’s a secret, okay? And you know what to do with secrets, don’t you?”
She nods. “Don’t tell anyone.”
I nod. “Good girl.”
“But, Papa, why does it have to be a secret?”
I search my brain for a reason she’d understand. “Because I want it to be a surprise for Jai—you don’t want to ruin it, do you?”
She bounces up and down on my knee, her hands clapping together. “Yay, a surprise! I love surprises! I won’t ruin it, Papa, I promise.”
I let out a soft chuckle and draw her in for a hug. “That’s my girl.”
The next day, Alik bursts into my office, a wide grin on his face. “Congratulations, brother—I hear you’re getting married!”
Jesus Christ, Katya! I pinch the bridge of my nose, letting out a resigned sigh. I level my brother with a stern look. “The situation is complicated, as you know. I told Katya not to tell anyone.”
Alik lets out a wry chuckle. “You asked a seven-year-old to keep a secret? I admire your ambition, Luka.”
“Has she gone and told everyone?” I ask with trepidation.
“No. It was just me. And to be fair, she warned me it was a secret.”
I roll my eyes. “Well, that makes it better. I wonder how many other people she’s done that with.”
“So you’re really doing it?” Alik asks, his tone more serious now. “You’re getting married?”
I nod. “I hope so. Although I haven’t actually asked Jai yet. And I have no idea if it’s even possible. Of course, if word gets out I’m gay before this law’s overturned we’ll all be out on the street anyway. Might have to go live with Jai in America.”
“Have you considered not waiting?”
“What do you mean?”
Alik shrugs. “Get out in front of it. Cut them off at the knees. Don’t give them a leg to stand on.”
I narrow my eyes. “Can you please stop spouting idioms and get to the point.”
“Look, brother, the people love you. No clue why, but they do. They love you, they love the children, and I’m sure if given the chance they’ll love Jai. Call a press conference, present the situation to the people. Your people. Tell them everything. All of it.
“Trust me, Lukas. There’s no way they’d enforce this ridiculous law of father’s after that. There’d be riots in the street.”
“It’s a hell of a risk.”
“It is. But aren’t there some things worth taking a risk for?”
Alik’s suggestion has me thinking. In fact, I can barely concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day as I turn over the options in my mind. I could do what might be considered the smart thing and wait for this ridiculous law to be overturned before coming out to the world and declaring my love for a man who also happens to be my children’s tutor. Or I could do what Alik suggested—get out in front of it. And the more I think about it, the more this idea starts to appeal to me. And not just because I miss Jai desperately and will do pretty much anything to see him again as soon as possible.
It’s true that there is an anti-monarchist faction within Korova, and that they would jump at the chance to see me and my family removed from the throne. But this faction is small. And the more I consider it, the more I realize it’s quite possible—quite likely, in fact—that those sentiments would be drowned out by the support from the large LGBT+ community and their allies.
But I can’t do anything until I talk to my son. I already know how Katya feels about the situation, but Tomas is a different matter. I don’t expect him to kick up a fuss, exactly; he’s been raised to be tolerant and accepting and, with Alik as an example, has learned that being queer is completely normal. But, even so, this will be a big adjustment for all of us, and if he needs time to deal with it I’ll gladly oblige.
Once Katya is asleep, I make my way to Tomas’s room and find him sprawled on his stomach on his bed, reading one of the Percy Jackson books. I gently knock on the open door, drawing his attention.
“Can I come in for a moment. I need to talk to you.”
He nods and scrambles to sit up, making sure to mark his page before setting his book aside.
I close the door behind me and stroll over to the bed, sitting down next to him on the mattress. I hesitate for a long moment, before remembering he’s almost twelve and this is far from our first awkward conversation. Surely this can’t be any worse than trying to explain where babies come from.
“Do you remember a few weeks ago when we were having dinner with Jai and you and Katya were asking whether I like kissing boys or girls?”
He nods, his brows drawn together in confusion. “Yes.”
“Well, I never answered your question. The truth is, I’m like Uncle Alik. I’m attracted to men, not women.”
“But…you loved Mama…”
I nod. “I did. Very much.” I take a steadying breath. “You’ll understand it a bit better when you’re older, but the truth is Mama and I were friends. Best friends. Rather than anything…more.”
“So you didn’t have sex?”