“You love me? I’m sorry, I’m having a hard time believing that when I know you think about Grayson daily, and as it turns out, you’re into your trainer too. You keep secrets from me, you push me away when I’m trying to help you, you take my feelings for you and throw them away like trash, yet you expect me to believe you when you say you love me. No, Jade, that’s not possible because you don’t even know what love is. If you did, you’d know that I’m the one who has fallen for you like a bloody fool.”
With that, he leaves slamming the door behind him and I fall to the floor, hugging myself tightly as I cry loud, obnoxious, uncontrollable sobs. I’m not alone long before Vinny comes into the room, trying to usher me to my feet and up the stairs. My whole world falls apart at the same time I fall into the bed where Tyson’s scent overcomes me, making me cry even more. I don’t know when I finally fall asleep. I’m completely numb when darkness takes me.
24
Jade
I’m not surprised Tyson didn’t come home last night. I hate to think what he’s been up to all night long or who he’s been with, not like I have room to talk. I’m the one who was in the wrong here and pushed him, running, from his own home. I wish I would have told him sooner so we could talk about how confused I’ve been feeling. Tyson is the first man I ever told I love you to. I never even said those words to my shitty father, and Tyson just laughed in my face, not believing my words. Maybe he's right. Maybe I don’t know what love is.
In the shower, I stand under the rain stream and let the water pour over me. What am I going to do about work? If I see him, I’m scared I’ll make a spectacle of myself and throw myself at his feet, begging for forgiveness. How can I prove to him that I really do love him? Making a decision, I get out and wrap a towel around myself. Calling the office, I let them know I’m taking a sick day, blaming a bad bout of nausea as the cause. They don’t need to know I’m past that stage in my pregnancy. Then I call Nichole, arranging for her to pick me up. I know Tyson doesn’t have a tracker on my car, but I rather leave it here, just in case I try to leave town in it. I don’t even know if he wants me to continue staying here with him. What if he’s giving me time to pack my shit and leave? I ignore that thought and instead choose to focus on us both needing time instead.
Nichole pulls up in her Lexus with all smiles, and I jump in as soon as she unlocks the doors.
“Morning, Jade. I was surprised to hear from you,” she says in greeting. Today she’s wearing a soft blouse with a cardigan and starched slacks. Her hair is in a neat chiagon and her skin has some color in it, looking a whole lot healthier.
“I’m playing hooky from work today and thought you’d be the perfect accomplice.”
She looks at me, raising a perfect brow. “Let’s say I believe that, where are we going on this little field trip of yours?”
“I thought, since you are so excited about the baby and love to shop, we can combine your two loves and make a day out of it,” I answer, shrugging.
“You mean to tell me, you want to go baby shopping with me, all day?”
‘Yep,” I reply.
“Something has got to be going on with you. You hate shopping. Please, don’t tell me it’s Grayson.”
“Nope, not this time, and before you ask, I’m not telling you what’s bothering me. In fact, let’s make that a rule right now. Not once during this day can you ask what’s bothering me.”
“Fine. As long as I can buy whatever I want and in what store I choose to shop in without complaint,” she counters. Ever the lawyer this one. Agreeing, we shake on it and she pulls out into traffic, heading towards the shopping district.
“This is so cute,” Nichole says, holding up yet another onesie. Currently, we were in some snooty baby store where she has already ordered an overpriced crib, changing table, and rocking chair. We came here looking for, in Nichole’s words and not mine, the ‘it’ stroller. Apparently, people pay hundreds for its arrowlight design. I just see a stroller, but whatevs, it’s not like I’ll be the one pushing it, so Nichole might as well get what she wants.
“It looks just like the other three you picked out,” I tell her, waving to the huge keep pile that was starting to take on a life of its own.
“Nonsense, this one is three sizes bigger and it has a baby duck on it and not a bear.”
“Oooh, okay,” I say slowly, rolling my eyes.
“Hey, no attitude, remember our deal,” she says, reminding me once again. I’m starting to regret using Nichole to take my mind off my problems, at least maybe I should have suggested doing something else besides shopping, like eating. Everyone knows how much I love food.
Taking pity on me, she gathers her pile and takes it to the register. The overly happy sales clerk then regales her in conversation as she rings up things and gushes over Nichole’s choices. I don’t mind the shopping, it’s just this place isn’t me. What happened to buying onesies with funny sayings on it like ‘I just spent nine months on the inside’ or ‘It’s all shits and giggles’. My kid would totally rock that with a tiny motorcycle jacket and cute jeans, but I guess that’s the point. This isn’t my kid but the Hastings’.
“Where to now?” I ask once we’re settled back in the car. The bigger things Nichole is having delivered to the townhouse, which I found weird until she explained it’s only until she got the baby room ready. She was waiting to find out the sex before she had her decorator get started.
“I have one more store I want to go to, but how about we get something to eat first?”
“Sure,” I agree. Nichole was speaking my language now. I love to eat. Food is life more than coffee even. Laughing at my overly excited face, she drives off. Twenty minutes later, we pull into a restaurant I’ve never been to before. To be fair, I haven’t been to many restaurants. Most of the time, I barely had enough cash to go out at all.
“How are you feeling? I heard the third trimester is the worst,” Nicholes asks once we’re seated with our drinks. I’m being good, sipping lemonade, wishing it was a tall glass of sweet tea while Nichole settles with a diet Coke.
“It’s going good so far. I’ve been getting tired more and forgetting a lot, but it hasn’t been that bad.”
“Do you think you would want to be a surrogate again?” She asks casually and I have to stop to think about her question.
“Sure it’s fulfilling work, but I don’t think I want to ever do this again unless it’s for my own child, far in the future.”
“Is it because of us you feel this way?” Her voice has a sad tone to it and I quickly reassure her.
“No, even if I went about this the conventional way, I’d still feel the same. I want to live my life first, with the person I’m meant to be with, before I put my body through this again. Besides, my experience with my own parents taught me, I don’t know what it is to be a mother.”
“I wouldn’t say all that,” she says. “We aren’t our parents. We make our own decisions in life. If you feel like they were bad examples, then you know to do things opposite of their teachings.”