I wish I could take stock in her words, but she’s wrong. Nichole means every mean thing she has said. She had time to come to terms with her fate and decided to speed it up while she played puppet master.
“Thank you,” I tell her, standing up.
When I approach her room, Nichole is sitting up, staring at nothing, lost in thought. I know she knows I’m here, but she chooses to stay silent. After a while of stone cold silence, she asks, “Do you remember what you promised me on our wedding night?”
It takes me a while to catch on to what she’s talking about, but when I do, I grimace. Can’t she just let this go? “I remember,” I tell her.
“But yet, you still choose to break your promise to me. Even knowing how much it’ll mean to me.”
“Nichole,” I say exasperated. “When I made that promise to you, you weren’t dying of cancer or asking for the impossible.”
“You promised me, Grayson. You promised to love me forever and that you’ll never let me down. You said you’ll be the best husband to me, that there will never be anyone better, and when tested, you failed. You lied to me, Gray.”
“I didn’t lie to you Nichole.”
“Yes, you did. This behavior of yours, not going through with my dying wish is letting me down. Even now knowing that Jade had the baby, you’re just sitting here, sulking by my side, visiting a dying husk when you could be with the joy of the living.” Why am I not surprised she knows Jade has had the baby? I’m sure she has tons of spies under her employ here. Nichole can be quite scary when she wants to be.
“I’m sorry you’re disappointed, but I can’t give you what you want. Because I love you so much I am here. So you see, I did not lie.”
“Whatever, Grayson. Justify your defiance anyway you want, I no longer care.”
“Defiance? Is that what you call not throwing you to the curb so I can play family with someone else? Have you forgotten Jade is married now? Are you that upset your plans for all our futures are not turning out the way you wanted? Who are you and where is my wife? The Nichole I married would never be this petty. Did your illness eat so much of you that you lost your humanity? I don’t even recognize you anymore.”
“Don’t get mad that you’re just now seeing what was always there. You’ve always put me on this pedestal and thought I was some sort of angel, but I’m not. Take a good look, because this is the real me, the woman you married. The Nichole you thought I was is nothing more than a figment of your fucked up ‘everything has to be perfect’ imagination.”
I’m taken back by her words. Is she right? Has she always been this way and I refused to see it, or is it like the nurse said? She’s reacting because of her illness, and the pain is driving her to say mean, hateful things. Even if that’s so, who am I to say I know her? I never knew she was capable of planning to die and set me up with a new wife and baby in the process. That she would selfishly make me throw away my vows and have me turn my back on my values. She may be right, maybe I didn’t fully know her after all.
“I don’t want to upset you further. I’m going to go so you can get some rest.”
“Yes, you do that.” With those parting words, she shifts in her bed and turns her back to me. Defeated, I leave her room with my head hanging low.
How did we even get this way? Never in a million years would I ever think I’d lose Nichole. Now that I have no choice in the matter. I do not want to spend the time I have left arguing with her, but she has control over even that. Maybe I should do what she wants. Not the being with Jade part. That ship sailed when she married Tyson, but the going downstairs to visit my son. As much as I would like to please my wife in her final days, I still can’t summon up the strength to do it. Instead, I hit the G button for the garage and get back in my car and go back home alone.
34
Nichole
Damn that stubborn man. Why is he making this so much harder than it needs to be? I hated Tyson for ruining my plans, but I’m starting to hate my husband even more. He has to be so damn difficult when there’s no need to be so. I’m dying, soon I won’t be here anymore. Me being his wife no longer matters because I don’t have long on this earth. Every second of the day, my body slips closer and closer to death’s door. Each day it’s a struggle just to open my eyes and soon a morning will pass when my gaze won’t set sight on a new day. Why can’t he just go see the baby and fulfill my dying wish? The ship may have sailed for him to be a husband to Jade, but he can still be a father.
Taking out the photograph I paid a nurse on the delivery floor to take, I trace the sweet face of the baby that looks like a clone of my husband, bundled up in a white striped blanket and a tiny blue knitted cap sitting snugly on his head. Even with just a photograph, you can’t help but to fall in love with the little guy. If only my stubborn husband would just go see him. I know I’m being harsh with him, but it’s better for both of us if I push him away now. It’ll be less painful when I finally go for good.
I press the call button and wait for my nurse to come in. It’s late evening, so the one I’m looking for should be here at work.
“Do you need anything?” Julie asks with a bright smile. She’s always so upbeat, even working on this bleak floor when I’m certain she sees tons of patients fade away.
“I have a friend that just had a baby. Do you mind taking her this card?” I ask, holding out the light blue envelope. The card I had ever since I found out Jade was having a boy. The letter inside I wrote just a couple of days ago.
“Sure, if you like, but why not ask your husband?”
“Oh,” I laugh innocently. “I didn’t want to bother him. He already has a full plate of worry he’s carrying.”
“I guess you’re right. I saw him out in the hall earlier. He looked like he needed a hug.”
“I’m sure he did. Her name is Jade Garfield, whenever you get the chance.”
“Oh, the Garfield baby. Everyone is celebrating him and a little girl because they were born on New Years.”
“Isn’t that sweet?” I tell her before tucking back into my pillow. I was tired, having used up my energy for the day arguing with Grayson.
“I’ll let you get some rest and I’ll take this to your friend as soon I go on break.”
I nod my thanks before closing my eyes. Now that I’ve done all I set out to do, I didn’t really care if I opened them back up or not.
35
Jade
Tyson left a while ago to go home and get me some clothes. Feeling the strain from giving birth, I snuggle close to the baby laying on my chest, sleeping soundlessly. He’s such a good baby. After the first feeding, he went straight to sleep, leaving me a little oily surprise in his diaper. He didn’t even stir when I changed him or cried out since. Right as my heavy lids start to droop, there’s a light knock on my door and a nurse I’ve never seen before steps inside the room.
“Hi, I’m Julie, I work in the cancer ward. Your friend Nichole asked me to bring you this.”