When the hospital comes into view, I park my car and run up the stairs instead of taking the elevator. Walking the same steps I have taken every day for almost three months now, I’m breathing hard when I open the door to Nichole’s room. She’s still laying down in her bed looking like a fragile doll, but now those glorious blue eyes are wide open and staring straight at me.
“Grayson,” she says slowly in a hoarse voice sounding like music to my ears. The nurse beside her smiles at me once she’s done taking her vitals and beckons me inside and I move my body like a robot as I walk toward the bed. This almost seems like a dream and I cannot believe it’s real. I’ve seen this nurse many times before during my visits here. She’s one of Nichole’s regular nurses as well as one of the nicer ones who doesn’t frown at me or give me dirty looks when they see I’m drunk. I may have been moody with the others, but with her, I find it very hard to do so.
“Perfect timing. The doctor has already been by and I just finished with her vitals and refilled her morphine pump. Her voice will be a little raw for a couple of days because of the feeding tube, so try to refrain from engaging her in too much conversation.” With those instructions, she claps me on the shoulder as to relay that this is indeed real and that Nichole is awake before leaving out the door.
Slowly, I sit down next to Nichole’s bed, and as soon as I’m close enough, I grab her hand and kiss it. “I can’t believe you are awake. I don’t know how many times I’ve come here, pleading with you to open your eyes.”
“I know; I heard you.”
I hope that’s all she heard. I’ve said a lot of things to her during my many visits here. A lot of them were not so nice. I’ve been angry with her, even more livid after I talked to the doctor to find out that she has given up. Along with the alcohol swirling around in my system, I told her just what I thought about her cowardliness. It wasn’t all bad. I also conveyed how much I loved her, telling her that I can’t live in this world without her.
“Why, Nichole? Why would you do this?” No need for me to elaborate. She knows exactly what I’m talking about.
“I’ve known for quite a while the cancer was back. When my doctor first told me, it was like I couldn’t breathe. Flashbacks of everything I went through, what we went through, played in my mind like a movie and it brought up fears I thought I had long buried. I saw things differently after that, like I was high and midway through the psychedelic effects. My doctor turned into an anime villain with big wild eyes and his hair and doctor’s coat floated around him as he cut me open to expose the black mass of cancer that was invading my body. My hair losing its shine and slowly falling to the ground like leaves in the fall, my body fading away leaving behind nothing but sorrow and grief, and finally, my family and friends gathered around watching my casket being lowered to the ground. I decided that night, I will not be a victim of this illness ever again. If I had to go out, I’d go out my own way.”
I close my eyes as I listen to each word. Her speech is rough and she pauses when it gets too hoarse to hear, but I listened to everything she had to say as I held on to her words like a lifeline to her thinking process. “And Jade? Why bring her into all of this? Why want a baby?”
“I brought her here for you. At first, she was just a means to an end. I never meant to get close to her or see her as an actual person, but I did. I started to feel bad about using her, but once she got pregnant, I knew I couldn’t give up on my objective. I knew I was still going to die. There’s no getting out of that outcome, no matter what treatment they try. I heard you, you know? When you were pleading for me to fight. I knew once I was gone, you'd try to follow me and I couldn’t accept that. I’ll never accept that. Grief is no reason to die. I don’t want that for you. I wanted you to live, so I gave you something to fight for.”
“I can’t accept that. I don’t want Jade or the baby. I only want you,” I shout. “You want me to live, but yet it’s okay for you to just give in and die? How is that even fair? You’ve been playing puppeteer in some diabolical plan to set me up with a new life without you in it. How fucked up is that? Don’t you know that life is not worth living without you? A wife and a baby won’t change anything because they aren’t you, and I refuse to accept them, so you have to live now because your version of how this will end is obsolete.”
“It hurts me to hear you say that as well as hear all the anger in your voice aimed towards me. Your determination to undermine my plans is killing me, even knowing they are my dying wish. Your happiness is all I ever cared about and seeing this through is the only thing keeping me going. I hate to ask because of the answer, but what of Jade? How have you been treating her?”
“I haven’t talked to her. The last time I saw her, I told her not to come here and visit you anymore. I also told Tyson if she decides to keep the baby, I will not be a father to it. I will only support him financially and that’s it. When they marry, the baby will receive his last name.”
“You can’t do that,” she croaks.
“I can and I will. I told you, your plans are futile. This little family you tried to set me up with is meant for Tyson, not me.”
“Get out.”
“What?” I say, looking at her like she’s crazy. In a rare burst of emotion, tears pool in her eyes and they flow down her cheeks like lava. “Get out,” she shouts again, this time loud enough to bring one of the nurses from the nurses station to the door.
“Is everything okay in here?” she asks.
“Everything is fine. I was just leaving,” I tell her on my way out the door.
33
Jade
“One more push, my love, you got this,” Tyson says as I hold onto his hand, squeezing the life out of it. I have been in labor for three hours now. My water broke while I was eating out of all things and Tyson rushed me to the hospital. It was a difficult drive as it’s New Years Eve and the streets are filled with people on their way to Times Square to see the ball drop. All day until the early hours of the next morning festivities will be held. Since it’s close to my due date, we decided to not go out to the New Years party we were invited to and opted to stay in and watch the ball drop on TV. Never in a million years did I think I’d go into labor before then.
Outside the door, I can hear them counting down the New Year and I hold my breath as I push with all my might; clenching my teeth so hard, I’m surprised I haven’t cracked one. When the hospital staff start cheering for the New Year, I cheer for another reason as I hear the glorious wail of my baby boy. “Welcome to the world,” my doctor coos before everything goes black.
I wake to a warm weight on my stomach and something foreign over my face. Pulling the oxygen mask free, I take in a deep breath as I get my bearings. When I glance down, I spy Tyson’s golden hair fanned out messily around his head as he had passed out with his head on my stomach. I move my hand and gently comb through the strands when he suddenly sits up like he’s on fire.
“Jade, thank fuck,” he cries before holding my face in his hands, staring deep in my eyes.