Sean’s laugh had my eyes snapping open. “That’s a good one.”
“You understood that?” Alex asked.
“I mean, I’m an accountant. Math is my foundation in life.”
Alex shook her head, and I laughed, feeling a little lighter since I walked in.
At least, until he reached out like he was going to push my hair behind my ear, and I jerked back, almost falling over the couch.
His hand froze before dropping. “Sorry,” he muttered.
My entire body flamed with embarrassment. I stared down, not wanting him to see my beet red cheeks.
Idiot. Idiot.
Ringing blotted out any sound, and I tried to breathe deep, hoping it all passed. I was sure that by the time I’d decided to look up, Sean would be long gone.
But Alex, my beautiful, soon-to-be, sister-in-law, saved me. She cleared her throat, pulling my attention to her and asked, “How was barre?”
It took me a moment to process her words, and I blinked.
“Barre?” Sean asked.
Jerking my eyes over, I was so surprised that he hadn’t run as far as he could get from me, I stuttered over my words. “Oh, um…it’s a ballet exercise class.”
One side of his mouth tipped up. “That’s hot.”
“Oh.”
Really, oh? That’s what you’re going to follow that up with? Super smart, Hanna. Sofia reprimanded.
“It totally is,” Alex said, saving the conversation again. “And Hanna is amazing. She’s so flexible and bendy. Super bendy.” She leaned over and bumped her shoulder to mine, rambling away. “I mean, how many talents can one girl have. She’s gorgeous and a math whiz. Pretty much the whole package.”
I stared slack-jawed and shocked at the word vomit; it was like she was trying to get me a job.
“Anyway, Erik looks like he wants me to come talk to him. Nice chat, Sean.”
With that, she headed to Erik, who clearly had his back to her and was engrossed in a conversation with Ian.
A high-pitched, slightly manic giggle broke free as I gathered the courage to turn and face Sean. When I did, I found his full lips pinched, trying to hold back a laugh.
“Sorry about that. It was pretty weird.”
He let his smile free, showing off dimples and perfect, white teeth. “Not at all. Not that she didn’t point out anything I didn’t know.”
“Oh,” I breathed.
I was on a role of eloquence tonight.
“Listen, Hanna. I was wondering if—”
“Dinner’s ready,” Carina called from the dining room.
Sean’s mouth snapped shut and turned into a rueful smile.
“Want to talk after dinner?” he asked.
“Sure.”
By the time we made it to the table, the seats had been filled, and he sat next to his friend, Adam, and I took the one next to Daniel.
“Hey, Hanna.”
I didn’t blush when Daniel said hello. I didn’t stumble over my words. No, instead, I relaxed back in my chair and gave an easy smile. “Hi, Daniel.”
The meal was delicious, filled with laughter and raunchy jokes. Where Carina death glared at anyone who said anything inappropriate. Apparently, they were at a stage in Audrey’s life where she liked to repeat everything.
“I think it’s adorable when she says shit,” Ian praised. “Ow.” He jerked and rubbed his leg where I’m assuming, Carina kicked him. “Fine. It’s wrong, and we shouldn’t encourage it.”
Daniel focused most of his attention on Kent sitting on his other side, and only once turned to ask for me to pass the water carafe. Oddly enough, when our fingers brushed on the handle, I didn’t jerk away like I usually would. Instead, a tingling warmth worked its way up my arm and settled in my chest.
“He hasn’t stopped looking at you this whole meal,” Alex whispered.
I looked past her to find Sean watching me. When our eyes met, he smiled and winked, pulling another blush from me.
What was he going to ask earlier? A date? Would I say no? I wanted to say yes, if for no other reason than to prove I could. But that was the reason behind me going to Voyeur. I wanted to be able to say yes to dates without fearing what it would lead to. I wanted to own my body once and for all.
Go on the dates Sofia surely would have jumped all over. She would have lived a much better life than I currently lived. She should have lived.
Shaking that off, I promised myself then and there that if Sean asked me out after dinner, I’d say yes.
Except he never got the chance because Adam got a phone call, and Sean was his DD.
I probably could have stood up and walked him out—given him a chance to ask me then. But I decided a wave goodbye was good enough, rationalizing that it would be too much of a pain to ask Alex or Daniel to move so I could get out.
It had nothing to do with chickening out.
Sean and Adam’s departure spurred more until all that was left was me, Daniel, Erik, Alex, Ian, and Carina.
I sat on the couch, holding a very chubby Audrey, playing an intense game of patty-cake, when Daniel plopped down beside me.
“You’re good with her.”
“She’s easy to be good with. And I don’t have any other chances to be around babies, so I take what I can get with her.”
“You want one of your own?”
A pang stabbed my chest when the reality of my situation wasn’t conducive to the children I did want. “Someday.”
Maybe.
The box I hid in the darkest corners of my mind rattled. It whispered that I didn’t deserve to have children when my twin couldn’t have any of her own.
“What about you?” I asked, shoving that thought down.
“Nah. I was around when Olivia grew up, and that was enough for me,” he said with a laugh. “We’re close, and she feels more like my own than my niece.”
“Yeah, maybe Erik and Alex will have babies, and I can love them as my own. That sounds good.”
“Enjoy the good times and drop them off when it gets rough.”
He lifted his knuckles.
Without any hesitation, I bumped my own against his, ignoring the flutter low in my stomach when his mouth kicked up on one side.
“Hanna,” Alex called from her perch on Erik’s lap.
I jerked my attention her way, begrudgingly pulling my attention from Daniel’s smirk.
“Have you decided if you’re going to go to Voyeur yet?”
Erik’s head fell back with a groan. He knew of the plan and firmly disagreed with it.
“She sure is,” Carina answered for me when I remained frozen like a statue. “It’s going to be epic.”
“I want to go,” Alex said.
Erik’s head snapped up, and he glared at her. “No. I’m not going to a sex club that my sister is at.”
“It’s not a sex club,” Daniel said, sounding exhausted from having to repeat it over and over to people.
“You know what I mean.”
Alex, ignoring Erik’s denial, clapped her hands together. “Oooo, let’s make it a girls’ night.”
Having all these women with me, both eased the tension around my heart and tightened it at the same time. Having my friends support me would be amazing, but it would also hold me accountable. They sure as hell wouldn’t let me back out.