He grabbed my hands, gently like he always was with me—even before I’d told him about my past, which was why it didn’t feel like he was trying to treat me with kid-gloves like some people did—and moved them so they were resting in his hands, palms up. His thumb traced the scars and for the first time in my life, I was glad for them. Because they hid the other scars, the scars I’d never want Scott to see or know about. The scars I’d made myself. I hadn’t cut in months, but the evidence was still there, hidden as it was by the other more prominent scars.
A drop of wetness plopped into my palm and I realized with a start that it was a teardrop.
“Scott?” I whispered, staring at his bowed head. He startled as if he’d been a million miles away and slowly pulled away, rubbing at his eyes roughly. “Shit, sorry. I just-I know it’s stupid and pointless but I hate that you suffered so much. I wish I could help somehow, that I could go back in time and help you when you needed it most.” He shook his head as if trying to shake the words away.
This time, it was me who grabbed his hand and I gripped it tightly with both of mine as I leaned forward, urging him to look up. When he did, I made sure to lock my eyes with his as I said, “You do help me, Scott. More than you realize. These past few months have been the best days of my life. You’ve helped me turn back into the person I was before him. Sure, I’m still fucked up in a lot of ways, but you’ve taught me how to smile again, to laugh and how to live again. I didn’t-I didn’t think I’d ever feel like that again. You’re the best thing that's ever happened to me, Scott Riley.”
He bit his lip as if he didn’t believe me and then I was moving before I’d made a conscious decision to do so and pressing my lips to his. I kissed him slowly, softly and he repaid in kind, his lips caressing mine gently. I was glad to be holding his hand though, because I wasn’t sure I could deal with him touching me right now. It’d be too much.
I pulled away quickly as my brain came back online, shocked that I’d kissed him. His eyes though, they were the warmest I’d ever seen them, the amber glowing bright. I closed my own eyes and stiffened as I realized what I’d just done. I’d just ruined our friendship. Because why would he want to be with me as anything other than a friend? When he could find any guy out there with far less baggage and scars? I bowed my head, trying to figure out how I’d get out of this place. Maybe I could bo-
“Stop, Luke.” My eyes snapped open at his words, but I didn’t look up at him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t see disgust and pity in the eyes that I’d only seen warmth in for as long as I'd known him.
“Luke, look at me.” His voice was soft but determined, and I found myself looking up at him. It wasn’t there. There was no disgust, no pity in his eyes. Just the same warmth as always, more so than usual, actually.
“I know you probably won’t believe me because I know you, but you’re the best thing that ever happened to me too, Luke Smith. You’re not fucked-up. The people in your life were. But you, you are beautiful and bright, clever and snarky and I...I care about you a lot.”
I stared at him with a frown. I never knew what to expect from this gentle, amazing man. Did he really mean that? Did he really care about me that much? “What are you saying, Scott?”
Scott smiled at me with a soft look in his eyes before replying, “I’m saying that I’d like you to kiss me again. I’m saying that the next time we go out, I want to go as your date. I’m saying that maybe I’d like to be your best friend and your boyfriend.”
I’m sure my confusion was written on my face in neon letters. I shook my head, dislodging my bun in my intensity. Freeing one hand, I pushed the hair behind my eyes as I thought about what I wanted to say. “You can do so much better, Scott. There are thousands of guys out there who’d be a better match for you, who have a lot less baggage and a lot more they can give you. I don’t want to do anything that may lead to me losing you, Scott.”
Scott shook his head, grabbing my free hand and squeezing it, “I don’t care if there are a million other guys out there that you think might be a better fit for me, Luke. And you know why? Because none of them would be you. You mean so much to me and I don’t care about your baggage. I’ll help you and share the load with you if you’d let me, and I‘d do it happily.”
I closed my eyes, shaking my head. “I’m scared, Scott. I can’t lose you. I can’t. And if we do this, I know I will. I won’t be able to be everything you need and then you’ll leave me and I’ll be all alone again.” My voice shook as I said that last part, but it was true. Sure, I had Angie and Mama D, but they didn't get me the way Scott did.
“I will never leave you, Luke, trust me on that. And you are everything I need. Everything I want.” His voice was gentle, his grip on my hand firm, but he wasn't getting the point.
I breathed unsteadily, realizing I’d have to spell it out for him to get it, “I can’t have sex with you, Scott. I probably never will. I want to, but I can’t. And even if you say you’re fine with it, you won’t be later. And then you’ll dump me and you’ll leave.” My voice had lowered to a whisper as I voiced out my biggest fear. Who would want someone who couldn’t even give them something as simple as sex?
Then there was a finger at my chin, tipping it up. “Open your eyes, Lu.”
My heart warmed at the nickname and I opened my eyes to meet his warm gaze. “I don’t care about sex, Luke.”
I opened my mouth to argue but he shook his head. "Hear me out. Do you know what demisexuality is?"
I nodded, because of course I did.
"Well, that's me. I’m somewhere on the demi-slash-graysexual spectrum. It takes me a long time to be comfortable enough with someone to even want to have sex with them. And sex has never been something I've needed in a relationship. If we never have sex, I'd still be the happiest guy out there. And if some day down the road, you're comfortable enough to have sex and I am too, then I'd love to share that with you, but not until we’re both ready." I heard the sincerity in his voice and I believed him because he had no reason to lie.
He took a deep breath and looked into my eyes, his warm gaze grounding me and making my heart flutter all at the same time, “Give us a chance, Lu.”
I trusted him enough to know that he wasn’t lying. He’d wait for me. And if I was never ready, he’d be okay with that too. But was I ready for a relationship? Could I risk our friendship for it? I looked into his warm, slightly hopeful eyes and I knew my answer.
Leaning up, I pressed my lips softly to his and whispered against them, “Okay.”
12 | Scott
“Okay,” he said, his voice so soft, so trusting that I leaned back to look into his eyes. There was a softness in them, a warmth that darkened the gray of his eyes and reminded me of storm clouds, sparks like lightning shining through their depths. Gazing into their depths, I remembered a conversation we’d had months ago and I remembered the promise I’d made to him. A promise that I was now breaking.
Squeezing his hand, I lowered my gaze to our joined hands as I spoke, needing him to know that I hadn’t planned on breaking my promise, that I’d never do that to him.