I tried to shake away the thoughts as I turned the stove off and headed into the living room.Picking up my phone from the coffee table, I was about to call Scott to ask him if he’d be late when the front door opened and Scott walked into the room, his shoulders slumped in exhaustion from the long workday. Hopefully, the food will help get some of his usual cheerful energy back into his system.
“Hey,” I greeted him as he removed his shoes, placing into my back pocket.
“Hi,” His sad sounding reply reminded me of Ross’ drawling ‘hi’ from the Friends TV show.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him as he got rid of his jacket and stepped into the room. He ran his fingers through his brown hair as he leaned against the back of the couch.
“Mike’s daughter, Mia got hurt at school today. She broke her arm and sprained an ankle.”
“Oh my god, is she okay?”
Scott nodded, his lips pressed together, “They’re at the hospital right now.”
“Maybe we could...sorry, I mean you could visit tomorrow?”
Scott shook his head, “Rochelle, Mike’s wife, wants me to go hiking still. She’s threatening me with no desserts for a year if I don’t go. Says I’m working too hard and need to relax.” He rolled his eyes as if what Rochelle had said made no sense.
“Well, she isn’t wrong.” I commented and Scott’s eyes narrowed at me for a second before they widened in his best impression of puppy eyes. “Will you come with me, Luke?”
“What?” I asked, sure I’d heard wrong.
“I mean, if you haven’t made any plans, will you go on this trip with me? The trails are pretty good, and the weather too. It’ll be a lot of fun. Please?”
I wanted to, God I so wanted to. But I wasn’t good with new places. Plus, could I really share a tiny cabin with another man without freaking out, even if I trusted said man implicitly?
My traitor brain immediately reminded me of that one time he had taken me on a vacation trip.
“Isn’t this place gorgeous?” He asked, and I looked around the strip of private beach and nodded. We’d been dating for just over eight months, and it’d been the most beautiful eight months of my life. He took such good care of me, and I was so grateful he’d found me.
That night, he took me to a pub and we drank and danced and drank so much more. I was so drunk by the time he pulled me away from the bar that I couldn’t see straight. He took me to a room in the pub, where a couple of men sat around on couches.
“What’s going on?” My voice was slurred, but I was aware enough to know the kind of men they looked like. The kind I’d avoided at all costs when I’d been on the road. It was when I turned to look at him that I realized he was like them too, I just hadn’t seen it before.
That night, he made me service them all before I passed out from exhaustion. The next morning, I woke up in the beach house with a sore throat, a blinding headache and the realization that I’d been a naive idiot.
“Luke?” Scott’s voice pulled me out of my memories and I swallowed hard. It took me a few moments to control the nausea and another few to remember what Scott had asked me. “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
Before he could say anything, I turned around and walked to my room as steadily as I could. Once I was in, I closed the door behind me and rushed to the bathroom. I leaned against the sink, turned on the tap and dunked as much of my head under it as I could, I let the cold water wash away the sweat and the anxiety that was crawling up inside me. I closed my eyes and tried to control my breathing.
Scott wasn’t him. Scott was warm, kind, handsome and nothing like the man who’d broken me. Then why had I said no? Why couldn’t I just trust him? I knew he’d never hurt me. Then why couldn’t I go with him? What was stopping me?
I realized I needed to talk to someone—someone who would help me straighten out the mess in my head—and pulled out my phone from my back pocket where I’d stuffed it when Scott had shown up.
Me: Scott invited me to a weekend hiking trip with him, should I go?
Angrie: Do you want to go?
Me: Yes.
Angrie: Do you trust him?
Me: Yes.
Angrie: Then why the fuck are you asking me?
I chuckled at her sheer Angie-ness and thanked god for giving me a friend who knew exactly how to deal with me as I tapped in a reply.
Me: Because you give me perspective, sweetie pie.
Angrie: Grrrr.
Angrie: Text/Call me if you start freaking out again. Now go tell him you’re going.
Me: Love ya, Boo! Thank you.
Angrie: Ew.
I laughed at her reply before tucking the phone in my pocket, feeling lighter as the stress seeped out of me. My hair was a mess of dry and wet so I quickly toweled what I could and left it untied to air out.
When I stepped into the kitchen, Scott was dressed in his pajamas and setting the dishes. He looked up as I came in and immediately started speaking, “Luke, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I shouldn’t have asked you. I understand why you wouldn’t want to go with me-”
“I want to.”
“-since it’s a whole weekend and away from the city and everything. I didn’t mean to make it awkward with us and I’m so...wait what?” His eyes widened as he realized what I’d said while he’d continued to rant.
“What did you say?” He asked slowly, as if I was the one who had ignored him.
“I said that if you still want me to go with you, I will.”
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
“I trust you, Scott. I’ll be fine.”
Scott gave me that wide smile of his that always warmed my heart and I’m sure my grin in reply was just as wide.
As we ate dinner, we planned on when we’d leave and what we’d do. Scott told me about the trails he loved hiking on, and the tiny ponds and the meadow he’d come across in his previous hikes. I could see that Scott loved hiking which was why it kinda saddened me that in the months since I’d become his roommate this was the first time he was giving it any time at all.
“Why don’t you go hiking more often?” I asked, curious about why Scott wouldn’t do more of something he so obviously loved. I couldn’t imagine spending a single day without reading at least a little bit, let alone not reading for months.
Scott shrugged, looking down at his plate for a moment before meeting my eyes, a sad wistful look darkening his brown ones.
“Pops loved hiking and I loved hiking with him. Everything I know about it, I learned from him. After he was gone...it just reminded me of him too much. I couldn’t completely stop hiking, because on the trails, I feel the closest to him. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it all that often so I only go once or twice a year now.” The sorrow in his eyes was so deep it made my chest hurt, and I couldn’t stop myself from covering the hand he’d placed on the table and giving it a gentle squeeze. I remembered how fondly he’d talked about his godfather that day when we’d finished reading The Order of Phoenix, and I couldn’t imagine how much it had hurt to lose three parental figures one after the other like he had. I was in awe of the fact that he hadn’t let his loss and pain affect his bright personality. I couldn’t even imagine a Scott who wasn’t always warm and smiling and I hoped I’d never have to.