“Besides, I think Tad is sweet on Mia,” I added.
Mom scrunched her nose. “She’d never give him the time of day.”
“I would hope not,” I replied, and we both laughed.
“Once I move out, you’ll feel freer to invite people over,” she said with a knowing look, and she had a point. But if anyone had a problem with the idea of me living with my mom, then they weren’t worth my time—and absolutely not the one for me.
Besides, I was fine on my own. Probably always would be.
“Whatever you say, Ma.”
3
Seth
“You look tired, gorgeous,” Jesse said, sitting across the kitchen table from me. He usually stopped by a couple of times a week and called almost every day. He felt guilty about moving out, though he would never tell me. I felt guilty that he felt guilty, and on top of that, well, ridiculous. He was my best friend, and I hated that he felt almost like he had to take care of me. I wasn’t sure that was the right way to put it, but he definitely checked up on me and worried.
“I’m fine.”
He reached out and brushed his thumb beneath my right eye. “Some concealer might make that a little more believable. Dark circles never lie.”
“Hey! I don’t have circles, you jerk!” I replied, and we both laughed. I loved hanging out with him. I missed seeing him every day.
“Seriously, though. Are you sleeping? Do you need some Jesse time?”
I rolled my eyes.
When he lived with me, I used to crawl in bed with him if I had a nightmare and sometimes simply because I liked cuddling. I loved the feel of someone I trusted against me. It was stupid, and a little embarrassing, but that was how I was built. It wasn’t something I’d known about myself before him, probably because Jesse was the closest friend I’d ever had. Or because I’d never trusted anyone as much as him. It could also be because my mom wasn’t the type to show affection that way—she’d been better before my dad died when I was twelve. Not that she was completely cold. But she was never like Dad and me, and yeah, she’d been better. After he passed, though, it was as if she’d completely closed herself off.
Whatever the reason, I liked being held. It wasn’t sexual between me and Jesse, never had been. Before he fell in love with his boyfriend, Dane, he used to tell me about all his sexual escapades, which I lived vicariously through, but I’d never wanted to actually sleep with him. A couple of times I’d considered it, so I could lose my virginity and get it over with, but I knew it wasn’t right for me.
When I had sex with someone, I wanted it to be because I desired them that way. I wanted it to be special. The first and only time I’d done anything with a guy hadn’t been like that at all. I’d been naive, I guess, and thought we were only going to be kissing. He’d had more in mind and had been a bit rough and pushy, and it took me a while to find my voice. To tell him to stop. Once I did, he’d made me feel guilty, like it should’ve been something I wanted, and while I’d needed closeness and affection, he hadn’t been the right guy; him trying to have sex hadn’t been the kind of intimacy I’d wanted that night. But then, maybe I was broken that way, maybe I didn’t do it right. I pushed those memories to the back of my brain. I didn’t want to think about that now. I didn’t want to think about it ever.
“No,” I finally replied. “I absolutely don’t need Jesse time.”
He sighed and stood up. “Well, I need Seth time. Come here.”
Jesse walked over to the couch, and I followed him. He lay down, and I did the same. We were facing each other. He had his arm around me, and I melted into the touch. I felt cared for in a way I needed and didn’t get outside of Jesse. “Thanks,” I whispered.
“You have nothing to thank me for. You’re my best friend. I love you.”
“Love you too,” I replied, snuggling closer. We were both quiet for a moment, just lying there together, before I said, “So…I’m going to dinner at a friend’s house tonight.”
“Shut the fuck up! And you’re just telling me?” He practically squealed with excitement.
“Not that kind of friend! She’s a fifty-year-old woman.” Not that there was anything wrong with fifty-year-old women, but I was gay, and usually attracted to men in their twenties, a little older than me but not too much. Guys bigger than me. Not quite bears but maybe an otter. Simple guys who didn’t make a big fuss about things. Scruffy guys with muscles and…yeah, I should watch myself before I got a little too excited.
“Oooh. Yeah. Definitely not that kind of friend. I thought my boy was finally dating! I was so proud!” he teased. “New friend?”
“Yeah, she works at the assisted living facility where I volunteer. She’s really nice. I’m excited to go and hang out, ya know?”
“That’s good. You know you’re always welcome with me and Dane too, right?”
“I know,” I replied, but I didn’t want to keep depending on him. I wanted to…change. Grow. That was partly the reason I’d taken the job playing the piano at the Underground on Saturday nights. I needed to find something.
We lay there for a while chatting, and I could almost forget that Jesse didn’t live with me anymore. About an hour later, his phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket. He smiled, and I knew it was Dane. “Oh my God. You’re so sappy and in love!” It was fun to tease him, as Jesse had never thought he’d fall for someone.
“Ugh. I can’t help it. Be nice.” He answered the call, and I tried to pull away because I felt weird sometimes now, like I shouldn’t let Jesse be cuddly with me. Maybe it wasn’t fair to Dane. Jesse swore it didn’t matter, that Dane understood, but it made me feel silly. “What ya doing?” he said into the phone, then, “I’m snuggling with Seth.” Jesse listened for a second before telling me, “Dane says hi and wants to know how you lived with me for so long. He thinks I’m messy.”
I laughed. “You are messy. So glad he took you off my hands.” This time I did pull away and sat up. Jesse did the same.
They chatted for a minute before he ended the call. “We’re taking Hailey to a movie at three. Do you have time to go before your dinner?” Hailey was Dane’s niece, and he and Jesse were crazy about her. Jesse had always loved kids and planned to be a therapist one day.
“No, I’m supposed to be there at six.”
He nodded and stood before kissing me on the forehead. “I better run, then. Have fun. Love you, talk to you tomorrow.”
“Love you too,” I replied as Jesse left.
As soon as the door closed, the apartment felt too quiet again. And it never really felt like a home either. None of the decorations were mine. Mom had come with me and paid someone to do it. The tile flooring felt cold, and the stark colors and modern designs felt like a photo in a magazine instead of a cozy home. It was one hundred percent Mom’s taste.
I went over to the piano against the far wall and played for about half an hour. It always helped distract me. By then it was late enough that I jumped in the shower, then got dressed in dark jeans and a navy shirt. I put eyeliner on, but no lipstick. My hair always flopped over my forehead, so I grabbed the baseball cap I liked to wear and put it on backward.