“At the end of the night he cornered Seth as he was on his way to meet me at the bar, and I could tell Seth was uncomfortable.” I wrapped what was left of my sandwich, my appetite gone. “And when he gripped Seth’s arm, I lost it.”
She winced. “What did you do?”
“I grabbed the guy and had some words about consent and stuff,” I explained, looking away as mortification lined my cheeks again. “Seth got upset with me because…well, because…”
“Because he needs to fight his own battles?” she said as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Yet complicated as hell given what we’d gone through.
“Yeah.” I blew out a breath. “Even after he tried signaling for me to back away, I didn’t listen. I just reacted.”
She squeezed my hand. “Because you wanted to protect him.”
“Yeah. But that’s not always the right decision, not when it’s something he’s working on.” I glanced at her, my cheeks still burning. “That how you feel…about me?”
She huffed out a breath and linked our fingers together. “Honey, I know your childhood wasn’t easy. And it was my fault for not leaving your father sooner.”
“No, Ma, don’t do that,” I pleaded, needing her to understand that I didn’t blame her. “Dad was manipulative and terrifying, and I don’t think you should start playing the what-if game.”
Her eyes filled with unshed tears. “You had to grow up way too fast.”
“I did, but it wasn’t all bad,” I replied, thinking of all the special moments that might not have happened had things been different. Life was strange like that. “Carpet picnics, for example,” I pointed out, and Mom’s eyes softened. “I think it made us closer, and I’ll always be grateful for that. You’re my best friend.”
“And you’re mine,” she said with a watery smile. “But I need to be a parent too, to you, not the other way around.” When she gave me a sharp look, I sighed, understanding exactly what she meant.
“I dunno. I told myself I would never let that happen again to someone I love.”
“And you love Seth; that’s why you stepped in.”
“I do. I love him,” I admitted. “And I want to be with him and build something solid.” My chest ached with so much longing, I thought it might explode. “But if he doesn’t feel comfortable around me…”
“Honey, he’s not afraid of you.” She cupped my face, forcing me to look at her. “He’s afraid of himself. If he’s anything like me, he wants so badly to be brave and courageous. He just needs the chance.”
“And I took the chance away from him.” Suddenly everything started lining up in my head like the pieces of a puzzle falling into place. Seth…my mom…his mom…and how everything overlapped and interconnected into moments and feelings and ultimately living your truth.
“Hey, look at me,” Mom said, so I did. She felt like my rock, my steady place, and I needed that so badly right then. “Maybe you messed up this one time. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t support him and inspire him to be himself all the other times, and that’s a huge deal for someone who’s coming into his own.”
“Like you?” I asked in a hesitant voice. “Are you coming into your own?”
“I’m certainly trying to.” When she grinned, it warmed me to my core. “Which reminds me. I, um…I started going to therapy—you know, to deal with my past, so I don’t make the same mistakes.”
My mouth dropped open. “You are?” I almost, almost, asked her why she didn’t tell me, but stopped myself just in time.
Baby steps.
“Yep. And I wondered…well, she asked…would you come with me to a couple of sessions?”
“Is that what you want?”
“It is, so we can talk about what happened,” she explained. “I don’t think we’ve really dealt with all of it.”
“I’d like that.” And I realized I really, really did. It might help us both.
After we cleaned up our lunch, I walked Mom to the door so she could head back to work.
“You’re gonna be okay.” Mom pulled me into a hug. “Give Seth some space for now. I think he’ll come around. He’s crazy about you too.”
Fuck, I hoped so. And then all I could do was show him how brave and beautiful he truly was.
37
Seth
I brushed the finishing touches of makeup over Elsie’s face—just a little bit of highlighter. I wasn’t a huge fan of it. Sometimes it was a bit too much, but I thought if you went light, with the right look, it added the perfect amount of glow.
“What do you think?” I asked Mom, who sat in the chair beside me. Elsie was going to some fancy fundraiser and had asked me to do her hair and makeup last-minute.
“It’s beautiful, Seth. You’re very good.”
I adjusted the baseball cap I wore and tried not to blush. “Thank you.”
“Seth always makes me feel pretty and young again.” Elsie winked.
“You don’t need me for that,” I countered.
It was the Saturday after everything had gone down at the Underground. I’d taken the night off, since Mom was spending the week in Portland with me. I couldn’t pretend it was a perfect week. We’d had a few arguments, and she was definitely still adjusting to easing up on the control issue, but she was trying. We were both only human, after all. No one was perfect. It took time to change years of behavior, but for the first time, I felt like we were on the right track.
Mom had even met Bonnie earlier today. The three of us had breakfast, which was nice, even if a little awkward at times. They were totally different people and always would be, but they got along okay, even if just for me. I think Bonnie sold Jake to Mom, though. I wasn’t sure if she did it on purpose, but I guess it was easy to gush about how great he was. Bonnie hadn’t asked me what was going on between the two of us, and I loved her for it.
Elsie’s husband, Harold, came around the corner and whistled. “Do we have to go to that fundraiser tonight?” He waggled his eyebrows.
Oh, wow. Too much information. Still, we all chuckled. Elsie thanked me, we hugged, and then the two of them were on their way. A few other residents popped by as I was cleaning up—they had the whole time I was doing Elsie’s makeup, just to say hi or tell me I’d done a good job or to ask when I was playing the piano there again.
I still hadn’t spoken to Jake. I knew he was giving me time. That was the way he worked. I asked for something, so he would give it to me, but I missed him.
“You really have a wonderful life here,” Mom said softly.
I tried to cover my surprise. “I do. I feel…I feel like me for the first time in my life. Like I’m coming into my own, and maybe at twenty-one I already should have, but—”
“Shh.” Mom winked. “None of that. You’re happy and doing great. I can see that. You’re living your life the way you want to. There are no shoulds.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I smiled, but something was missing, something still didn’t feel right, and I knew exactly what that was.