“No!” I cut him off. “I said I’m fine.”
He nodded, and I jumped into my car and drove away. Tears sprang to my eyes, and all they did was make me feel even more angry, even more weak. With a rushed hand, I wiped them away.
It was crazy how you could be so high, then drop so low. Tonight I hadn’t been Shy Seth or Inexperienced Seth or Weak Seth who needed protecting. Or I hadn’t thought I was until that one moment. Maybe they were right. Maybe Mom was right and— No! I did my best to shut those thoughts down immediately.
The second I parked at home, I shoved out of the car. I suddenly realized how dark it was and how I was dressed. I felt the hand of the guy from the Underground wrapped around my wrist, heard Colton’s words in my head. I shook my head. No. I wasn’t going to let myself go there.
Still, my feet quickened as I made my way to my apartment. I fumbled with my keys, dropped them, picked them up again. “Damn it.” Now I was freaking out, thoughts of Colton, and the guy at the bar, and on and on… Maybe Jake had done the right thing. Maybe I did need him to step in.
Finally I got the door unlocked and pushed it open. The second I took a step inside, I saw her sitting on my couch. “Mother? What are you—”
“Good Lord, Seth. What in the world are you wearing?”
I stumbled back a step, shame washing over me. I covered my face, then thought of my clothes. I was half naked in front of my mom, who I knew wouldn’t approve. “I…”
“Where have you been? What are you doing? I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I knew letting you come to Oregon on your own would backfire. Close the door. What would people think if they saw you like this?”
Immediately I did what she said. I closed the door, grabbed the blanket that rested along the back of the couch, and wrapped it around myself. I was suddenly that shy kid again. The one who felt insecure. The one who did everything his mom said, and the one who boys like Colton thought they could manipulate to do what they wanted. The one who had always been a little softer than others, a little needier. “Mom, I…”
“Go change. I can’t… What would your father say if he saw you dressed like this?”
That he loved me. He’d always told me that a lot. Maybe he would even hug me or ask me what was wrong because I was sure it was obvious I’d been crying. “Mom, I…” I’m really sad, I wanted to say. I wanted to tell her about Colton and my dreams and that I was in love with Jake but scared he thought I couldn’t take care of myself.
“Where were you tonight?”
I couldn’t tell her I was working at the Underground. She would lose her shit. “It doesn’t matter. Let me get changed, and then we can talk. Why are you here?”
“Because I saw you put a down payment on a new apartment. Between the car and that, plus you’ve been avoiding my calls lately, I knew something was going on. It’s a good thing I came. I don’t think you’re making good decisions, Seth. You’re just like your father. You’ve always had your head in the clouds. His irresponsibility led to his death, and I can’t— I want you to come home. I want you to come back to Philadelphia with me and finish school there. Colton graduated early, you know. He’s already working with his father. They said you can get an internship with them and—”
“No.” The word came out of my mouth without any thought. It was like everything came crashing down on me at once. Colton thinking he could take advantage of me, making me feel bad, making me feel less than because I didn’t do what he wanted. Mom making my decisions for me my whole life, not thinking I was capable of making my own. The guy who grabbed me years ago. The guy who grabbed me tonight. Jake…even Jake. My heart clinched at that one because I knew Jake cared about me. I knew he wanted to protect me and take care of me, but I was so tired of everyone not thinking I could do that for myself. “No,” I said again, this time more firmly.
“I’m not playing games. I have partial control over your inheritance from your father until you’re twenty-five. You come home, or I cut you off.”
“I don’t care!” I shouted, surprised by my own voice. “I. Don’t. Care.” Without my inheritance, and since I didn’t have a steady job, I had no way to pay my bills, but that didn’t matter. I couldn’t do it anymore. “I’m not who you want me to be.” Now that I started, years of anger and pain were ripping to the forefront, climbing over each other to pour out of me. “I’m not like Colton, and I don’t want to be. Colton is mean and manipulative, and he hurt me.”
Her eyes widened, and I felt a moment of guilt for that.
“Did you know Colton was my first kiss? That he made me think he liked me, and I was so insecure, so needy for love and affection, that I believed him? He gave me something I craved, even though I didn’t really like him. I felt like I was supposed to, or that I should be lucky he would want me, and all I desired was someone to hold me and make me feel special.”
“Seth, I…”
“No.” I held my hand up. “I’m sorry to have to do it this way, but I can’t hold all this in any longer. I thought Colton and I were going to hang out and kiss, but he tried to go too far, too fast. I almost didn’t trust my own voice, but when I did, when I told him no, he was horrible to me. He spent my whole senior year calling me a tease and making me feel broken, like there was something wrong with me when it came to sex, because I didn’t want him. Like there was something wrong with me when I didn’t let him do whatever he wanted. And I told you I didn’t want to see him anymore, and you kept making me.”
“I didn’t know.” She held her hand to her face now, and it was shaking.
“I know you didn’t, and that’s because I didn’t feel like I could tell you. Because you already treated me as if I couldn’t take care of myself. You already made me feel weak, like if I didn’t do what you said and be who you wanted, I would screw up. I wouldn’t be happy and I’d be a disappointment and you wouldn’t love me.”
“I love you,” Mom said softly. And the thing was, I knew she did, but…
“I needed to hear it. Still do. I know you were never the best at that stuff because of how you grew up and your parents leaving, but you stopped completely after Dad died. It was like I lost both of you. And I need you to trust me. I need you to see who I am and accept that person. I need you to tell me it’s okay, but even if you don’t, know that I’m still going to be me. I need you to not make me feel weak and like I need you and that I can’t make my own decisions.”
My words were coming out too fast, but it was nothing compared to my thoughts. It was a lifetime of pain coming out in this one moment.
“I need you to acknowledge I’m gay. I’m gay, and I like to wear makeup, and I want to be a cosmetologist because I want to make people feel pretty. I play the piano in a bar, and while you look at me tonight like I’m a disgrace, these clothes and this makeup made me feel strong.” That’s what it did for me, didn’t it? And the guy in the bar had tried to take that strength away, tried to turn this thing I liked about myself into something that said he could do whatever he wanted to me. In a different way, Jake had done the same.