I texted him again, praying he would give me some sign of life.
Chapter 45
Xander
I had yet to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Every time I stopped moving, I thought about Kade. I had spent some time on the boat and came home sometime around two. Then it was on the treadmill and then for a swim. I didn’t want to stop. Stopping meant thinking. The rational side of me knew I had to think at some point.
My legs felt heavy, a sign my adrenaline was wearing off. Any moment, the crash was going to hit. I had gone through something similar when I lost my mom. Her death was expected. I was prepared for it. It sucked and it hurt but it wasn’t nearly as bad as what I knew waited for me. Kade’s death was going to hit hard. It already did, but instead of letting myself feel that pain, I pushed it away.
I could feel it creeping in now. I climbed the stairs, one heavy footstep at a time, as I made my way to the room he had used when he stayed with me. I walked to the dresser where the picture he had left me was still resting.
I picked up the picture, staring at the image of a time that would always be engraved into my memory. It wasn’t just the memory of the moment but the memory of what he had left me as a reminder of good times. I carried the picture to the bed and sat down on the edge.
I couldn’t believe I would never see his face again. I would never hear him laugh or see him smile. He would never tease me again. It just seemed impossible. Maybe if I went to sleep, I could wake up and discover it was all a really bad nightmare.
The doorbell rang, pulling me from my reverie. I wasn’t up for company. The doorbell rang again, followed by the door opening. I got up, wondering who the hell would dare come into my house. I didn’t have to wonder long.
“Xander?” Evie’s voice echoed off the walls.
I should have texted her back. “Up here,” I said before going downstairs.
“Hi,” she said with a tentative smile.
“Hi.”
“I texted and called, but you didn’t answer. I got worried.”
“I’m fine.”
“Xander, you haven’t slept.”
I frowned. “How do you know?”
“You are wearing the same clothes you had on last night.”
I looked down, only then realizing she was right. “Oh.”
“Have you eaten anything?”
“I’m not hungry.”
“Let me make you some breakfast,” she said.
“I’m okay. I’m really not hungry.”
She grabbed my hand and led me into the kitchen. I didn’t have the energy to fight.
“Sit,” she ordered.
I sat down on one of the stools and watched her move around my kitchen. She started coffee before opening the refrigerator.
“I don’t want anything to eat,” I said.
“I know you don’t think you want to eat, but you need to eat.”
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
She put down the carton of eggs and turned to look at me. “I’m making you coffee and breakfast.”
“I don’t want it.”
“Xander, I’m here. I’m going to be here. I can go with you to Oregon. I can stay with you here today. I’m here for you. Whatever you need. I will make sure you eat and sleep and get some rest. You need to rest.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want or need any of that.”
“Baby, you do.” Her voice was soft and sweet. If the situation was different, I would have cherished her kindness. That was not today.
“I don’t,” I insisted. “I have never needed anyone. I have been alone my entire life. I’m better alone. I like being alone.”
“Stop,” she said. “You don’t mean that.”
I scoffed, looking at her through eyes that felt raw and gritty. “I do mean that.”
“Xander, I know you are hurting. I want to help you.”
“No.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Why don’t you go upstairs and shower, and I’ll get you something small for breakfast? A shower and something in your stomach will make you feel a lot better.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to be cruel, but she wasn’t hearing me. She didn’t get it. I didn’t want to be near her. I didn’t want to be around anyone. I sure as hell didn’t want to be taken care of. “Look, I appreciate your effort, I really do, but I want to be alone.”
“You don’t have to be alone.”
“I do. We have had a lot of fun but this thing between us isn’t going to work.”
She stiffened, her head tilting just a little as she looked at me. “What?”
“I was fooling myself. I’m not the guy you think I am. I’m a loner. The only person who has really ever understood who I was and how I was was Kade. Kade got it. He didn’t push and he didn’t try to smother me with attention and affection. He left me alone. That’s what I want. It’s what I have always wanted. I wasn’t born to be the other half to a whole. I’m a lone rider. I always have been, and I always will be.”
She looked down at her feet before her eyes met mine again. “I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true,” I said. I heard my voice. It was cold and unfeeling. It was how I felt. I had nothing left to give. I was an empty shell and I was convinced I would never feel anything again. It was over for me. My destiny had been written a long time ago and me trying to change it was futile.
“Please,” she whispered. “I know this is the grief talking. Don’t push me away. Don’t shut me out. We will get through this together. You do not have to be alone.”
I let out a sigh. “You are not getting it. I’m doing this for your own good. I’m not a man you want to be with. Trust me. Your father was right. I’m never going to be the guy that dotes on you and treasures your love. I don’t love. I don’t know how to love. If we had a relationship, it would be all one-sided. You would be putting in all the work. It would be a pointless exercise in futility. Just walk away.”
“I can’t walk away. I don’t back down from a challenge.”
“This isn’t a challenge you can win. It will only hurt you in the long run. Walk away. I don’t want this. We’ve had a good time, but it’s time to get back to reality. This thing between us is finished.”
“No.”
That was not what I expected. “Evie, this isn’t something you can reject.”
“Yes, it is. You are in a lot of pain right now. You are a wounded animal lashing out. I won’t let you push me away when you need me the most.”
“You are wrong!”
“I’m not wrong.”
“I want to be alone. I don’t want to be a dick, but I need you to leave.”
I could see the emotions running through her. I was being harsh. It seemed to be the only thing that worked. She was too fucking stubborn. “I will give you some time today, but I’m not going to abandon you.”
“I will never love you,” I told her and got to my feet. “I know that’s what you think this is, but it isn’t. I don’t love. I’m not wired like that. Your father warned you. He told you I was selfish and self-absorbed. As much as I hate to say your father was right, he was. I can’t do it. I don’t have the energy to love another person. I don’t want to try. I don’t want to hurt you, and I’m really not trying to do that, but it’s better if this ends now before things really get serious.”