I could feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes. I did not want to ruin my makeup. I looked up at the ceiling, swallowing several times and taking several cleansing breaths. When I managed to push the emotions away, I looked at him. “His brother died. His only brother. He was in the Marines. I’m not sure what happened, but he died, and Xander wants to be alone. He ordered me to leave him alone. I wanted to help him. I know he’s suffering, and I just wanted to help.”
My father’s face fell. “Oh my. That is awful.”
“It is awful. I met his brother when he was home on leave recently. He is—was—so full of life. I really liked him. I know Xander loved him.”
“Of course, he did,” he answered. “I don’t think I have ever told you, but I had a brother.”
I frowned. “What? You did?”
He slowly nodded. “Yes, I did. I don’t ever talk about him because to remember him is to hurt.”
“What happened?”
“I was about fifteen at the time. He was ten. We lived near a lake and used to go swimming all the time. One day, I guess he decided to go alone. I think I was hanging out with my buddies or something. He drowned. The guilt I felt was tremendous. I shut down. I couldn’t bear to be around my parents. I saw their grief and I was convinced they blamed me. I blamed myself.”
“Oh my god,” I gasped. “Dad, you never told me!”
He offered a small smile. “It didn’t seem like you needed that kind of pain. You feel so strongly. I didn’t want you to think about it.”
“But Dad, you could have told me.”
“It was in my past. There was nothing you could have done. Sometimes, a man chooses to leave those feelings in a dark place. I’m not saying it’s healthy, but it is a coping method.”
“Xander said he wanted to be alone. He said he isn’t capable of love. He’s wrong. I know you don’t like him, and you don’t believe me, but I know in my heart he felt something for me.”
“Well, of course, he does. He’d be a damn fool not to love a woman like you.”
I smiled, fighting back tears. “Thanks. I wish you could see he is a good man.”
“I don’t think I will ever sing the man’s praises, but in this situation, I feel for him. He’s in a tough spot. I might not like him, but I feel bad for him. You need to be there for him.”
That was unexpected. “He doesn’t want me around. He made that very clear.”
“Make him want you. He needs you. He doesn’t know it, but he does. He will push you away. I pushed everyone away. I didn’t want anyone to see me as weak. I refused to cry. I thought if I cried, it made me weak. It took me a very long time to come to terms with my grief. It was actually your mother who helped me to see it wasn’t my fault. Things happen. I had this idea in my head I was some kind of powerful creature capable of fighting fate. Your Xander is very much the same. He’s stubborn and bullheaded and he has the same mindset. He thinks he can do anything. This is going to be a blow.”
My dad had never opened up to me. He had never been so honest with his feelings. I leaned forward and hugged him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that.”
“I’ve coped. Now, it’s time for you to help him cope.”
“I don’t know how to do that.”
“Go to him.”
“Not right now,” I told him.
He smiled. “No, right now, I’d like to be a little selfish and monopolize your time for a couple of hours. Give him the night. He might need some privacy to grieve. Your relationship is fairly new, and a man will not be comfortable releasing his emotions in front of a woman he is still trying to impress.”
“He doesn’t need to impress me,” I said.
He shrugged and smiled. “There is a reason cavemen pounded their chest. Men have a need to impress their women. It doesn’t go away with time.”
“You are so right.”
The rest of the evening, I did my best to focus on my father. I smiled and shook hands with his colleagues and did my best to play the dutiful daughter. In the back of my mind, I thought about Xander. I sent a text message every hour, asking him if he was okay and letting him know I was thinking about him. I never got a response and I didn’t really expect to.
I just needed him to know he wasn’t alone. His words had twisted my guts and shattered me a million times over. I hated that he felt so alone. I hated that he thought he had to be that way for the rest of his life. In the moment, I didn’t think arguing with him was the best approach. I let him say his piece and hoped we could talk about it again when he wasn’t so raw.
I wasn’t sure I would get the chance to tell him I understood his obsession with his work. I got the same way. I didn’t feel neglected. He needed to know he had done nothing wrong. He was a good man. I just had to make him see it and believe it. I didn’t think I could rely on his father to boost his feelings of self-worth. Maybe I was the one being overly confident and arrogant, but I was convinced I was the only person who could make him see he was worthy.
Monday morning
I was being way too forward. I should mind my own business. I had no business being in his office, but here I was, strolling down the hall in my power suit, pretending I belonged. The receptionist told me the presentation was being held in the conference room and directed me to where to go. I told her I was the assistant to one of the attendees. She didn’t question my story.
I never got a single text back from him all weekend. The gate at his house was closed and locked tight. I was going to track the man down and make him listen to me. He was going to at least hear what I had to say. If he kicked me out, so be it, but not until after I said what I had to say.
I walked into the conference room and took a seat. No one paid me any mind as they chatted amongst themselves. I waited for fifteen minutes, checking the time every five minutes. Xander was always late, I told myself.
After forty-five minutes, it was clear he wasn’t coming. The others in the room began to leave one at a time. None of them were very happy. I went back to talk to the receptionist, who had a very worried look on her face. She had been calling him and never got an answer.
Alarm bells were going off in my head. I left and drove straight to his house. My heart was pounding as I pulled to a stop in front of the gate. I got out, looking for a way in. “Fuck!” I shouted, more nervous than pissed.
I drove to a parking area that would allow me to walk down to the beach. I took off my heels when I hit the sand, carrying them as I ran along the sandy beach. I found his stairs and did my best to haul ass up them. It was not an easy feat. By the time I made it to the landing that opened up to his patio, I was out of breath and sweating like a pig. I walked barefoot cross the hot cement of the patio.
My first thought was to check the pool. I was terrified I would find him floating in the damn thing. I didn’t find him, but I noticed something sitting at the bottom of the pool. I immediately recognized the shiny blue case. It was his phone. That explained the lack of returned messages. I tried the glass doors, which were of course locked.
I found one of the kitchen windows unlocked and hoisted myself inside. He thought he was so smart by not having any neighbors. I was proving why there was something to be said for nosey neighbors.