“Don’t do this,” she whispered. “Don’t say something you will regret.”
“I never do,” I answered matter-of-factly. “This is who I am.”
“I refuse to believe that,” she shot back. She said the words with firmness, but I could see her bottom lip quivering.
“I’m sorry, but this is for the best. Please, just go. Leave me alone. I have things to do and I don’t need a tagalong. I don’t need you worrying about me. I’m fine. This thing I have to do does not involve you.”
She used the heel of her hand to wipe away a tear that had slid out from her eye. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I do.”
“You don’t. You know I can help. You know I’m able to handle this. You know you are different with me.”
I smirked. “Maybe, but that doesn’t change who I am at my very core. Look at the last couple of weeks, Evie. I have barely paid you any attention. I’ve been caught up in my work. That’s who I am. I don’t think about others. I don’t return phone calls when I should. I don’t make time for people. I do what I want. What you experienced the last couple of weeks, that’s who I really am. If Kade was here, he would tell you the same thing. He was my only fucking brother and I was too busy to call him or visit him. That’s the man I am. Now go.”
She wiped her cheeks again, her eyes flashing pain and anger. “I’ll go, but I’m not giving up on you. You better believe that. I won’t intrude on your grief, but I will be here. I will call you and I will check in on you. Believe it or not, I know better.”
I turned and walked out of the kitchen without saying a word. I couldn’t stand to look at her and see her pain. Pain I had caused. I heard the front door close a minute later and breathed a sigh of relief. She was gone. I didn’t want her around me. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want her to feel the sting of my rejection and the absence of my attention when I ignored her.
Like Kade. My little brother had reached out over and over, and I always had one excuse or another for why I couldn’t see him. He called me from fucking Afghanistan, and I was too busy to talk. That was a shitty brother. That was a shitty man. Evie was a good woman and deserved so much more than I could offer.
I walked out to the patio, and my gaze focused on the ocean. I remembered Kade standing in the exact same spot and daydreaming. I had known then he was dealing with some shit, but instead of asking him if he was okay or if he wanted to talk, I ignored the feelings. I didn’t want to know what was bothering him.
My phone began to vibrate in my pocket. I couldn’t deal with anyone else. I pulled the damn thing out of my pocket and threw it into the swimming pool. I’d said I wanted to be alone. Why was that so fucking hard for people to understand?
I wanted to run. I wanted to strip away everything and just run. I turned to look down at the beach. It wasn’t too packed. I went back inside, took the stairs two at a time, and stripped off the clothes from yesterday. I pulled on a pair of shorts and my tennis shoes, not bothering with a shirt.
I headed out of the house, ignoring the coffee cooling on the counter and the carton of eggs still sitting out. I didn’t stop moving. I practically ran down the steep stairs, hit the sandy beach, and started to run.
I ran until my legs burned. The exhaustion from no sleep was gone. I felt a new adrenaline rush as my legs ate up the distance.
At some point, I got hot. Too hot and I did the only thing I could think of to cool down. I ran into the ocean, shoes and all. I dove under, letting the water wash over me and pull me down.
I wanted to stay under the water forever. My body emerged from the salty water. I took several long breaths before diving back down and extending my arms. I wanted to float away. I wanted to get away from the pain. I begged the ocean to do that for me.
Chapter 46
Evie
I slowly dressed, reaching for the zipper that ran up the side of the blue gown I was wearing to my father’s award ceremony. My arms felt heavy and my fingers felt like they didn’t want to work. The very last thing I wanted to do was get dressed up. My heart was broken. It literally felt broken in my chest. I stepped in front of the mirror and grimaced when I saw my puffy eyes and pale complexion.
Tonight was going to require extra makeup. I didn’t want my father to see my suffering. Tonight was his night. I would not ruin it for him. I would sit at his table, a place of honor, and smile. I would drink champagne and make small talk with the other people seated at our table. I would play the gracious daughter and make my father proud.
I carefully put on my makeup, hiding the dark circles under my eyes and doing my best to make my complexion look bright and healthy. I left my hair down and put on some very simple jewelry. It took every ounce of energy I had to get ready. All I wanted to do was crawl into bed and cry my eyes out.
I kept telling myself Xander was worth crying over. A man that said those things wasn’t worth a single tear, but he was worth it. I knew his words came from a place of immense pain. “No excuse,” I said as looked myself directly in the eye in my bathroom mirror. “Don’t make excuses for him.”
I stepped away from the mirror, grabbed my purse, and headed to the hotel where the banquet was being held. I took a deep breath before stepping inside the ballroom. I scanned the room, looking for the table. As expected, it was near the front of the room. I hoped to sneak in, take my seat, and go unnoticed. I didn’t want to mingle. I would, but I didn’t want to do it if I didn’t have to.
I sat down at the empty table, thankful I didn’t have to smile and introduce myself. I was delivered a glass of champagne, which I eagerly accepted. After the first sip, I realized it was not what I wanted. The bubbles felt like little drops of acid in my stomach.
“Thank you for coming,” I heard my father’s voice behind me.
Showtime. I got up. “Hi, Dad.” I greeted him with a smile before hugging him. “I wouldn’t miss this.”
“You look lovely tonight. I’m so glad you are here.”
I forced another smile. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
He studied me with his eyes that always saw too much. “What’s wrong?”
I tried to play it off. “Nothing. I’m fine.”
“Evie, I know when you’ve been crying,” he said, gently pushing me back into my chair before sitting in the one next to mine.
“Allergies,” I lied.
“Evie, you don’t have allergies.”
I sighed and stared down at the napkin on the table. “You were right, Dad. I should have listened to you.”
“I’m usually right about most things. You’ll need to be more specific.”
It was supposed to be a joke. I knew he was trying to make me feel better. I wasn’t sure it was working. “Xander.”
It was his turn to let out a long sigh. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want to be right. I didn’t want you to get hurt.”
I shrugged. “Well, I did, and I have no one to blame but myself. I should have listened to you. I got caught up and didn’t see who he was.”
“What happened?” he asked in a gentle voice.