“Why would you? I didn’t tell you.”
“It must have been a horrible year. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“Grief makes you a horrible person. I wasn’t very nice to be around afterwards.”
“I’m here now. If you ever need to talk I’ll listen. I’m a good listener.”
“I know you are.”
They fall silent again. Jens studying the menu. Axel studying Jens’ hands.
“Why are you single, Axel? Was there anyone in your life? Did you marry?”
“No. I never met anyone that I liked enough. Can’t be bothered to go on dates anymore.” Axel shrugs his shoulders.
“I wouldn’t even know how to get a date now if I’m honest, Axel.”
“It’s all online these days. Tinder and Speed-d8 and Grindr and all that. Not that I would recommend it. I had some really crap experiences meeting people on there. Put me off it all forever, I think.”
Jens laughs. “Come on, tell me. Ugly as hell, or really smelly? Wanted to marry you there and then?”
Axel smiles awkwardly. Takes another sip and fiddles with the napkin. “I couldn’t even go into the bar to meet my first Grindr date. I was just terrified. I stood him up and ran home. Got really drunk and threw up all over the living room.”
“Lightweight.” Jens is winking at him. Laughing a little. “And the second one?”
“Turned out to be a seventeen-year-old runaway kid from Bergen. I spent the whole evening sorting him out with Social Services, so he would have a place to stay and some support. I never saw him again. Not my idea of a date. At least I had all the contacts through work, so at least I knew the right people to call.”
“Third date?”
“I gave up after that. Had a few hook-ups in bars, did the whole online thing. It’s not my scene. I kind of know what I want and that is not it. I don’t have the energy to waste on all that shit. I just want to go home and sleep and hide away most of the time. Just relax and watch TV. Go for a run. I lead a boring life when I don’t work. I suppose I work most of the time so it doesn’t matter.”
“You love your job. It’s fair enough. As long as you are happy. Are you happy, Axel?”
He shrugs his shoulders again. Smiles. Drains his glass.
“Another round?” Jens doesn’t reply, just waves his hand to call the waitress over and orders another round plus a load of Nachos and fries, and Axel gets deep fried chilli squid and Jens’ eyes go all wide and excited, shouting to make that two of the squid thing.
“When did you know that you were gay Axel?” He can’t believe Jens asks. But he does. Because this is his Jens. And they could always talk about most things. And somehow even Axel needs to know where they stand.
“When I met you.” Axel blurts out. Then he blushes and freezes. He doesn’t let go of Jens’ eyes though. He is frozen in place. He shouldn't have said that. He is pushing his luck here. Messing up.
“Oh.” Jens says. Still looking at Axel, his eyes dark and sad. He looks crushed to be honest.
“We fucked that up, didn’t we?” Jens whispers.
They are silent after that.
The Fjord bar, Akers Brygge, Central Oslo
“Don’t,” Axel says. “Please don’t say it.”
“Say what?” Jens replies. His voice is shaky. He is not quite sure what is happening right now. Just that the air is tense and Axel is upset and things are going south. Fast.
“Don’t give me all that talk about just wanting to be friends. I can’t bear to hear it. Not from you.”
Jens doesn’t know what to say back. He knows. He knows what Axel is saying. He can’t bear to say it either. Because it’s not true. It never was. They were always a little bit more than friends.
“Jens, I need to be straight with you.” He snickers a little after saying the words. Jens can’t help it as he smiles weakly. It is funny. It’s a little bit funny.
“No, you don’t.” Jens replies and pops a nacho in his mouth. “Sorry. Go on. You were saying?”
Axel takes a deep breath. Pulls his fingers through his hair and leans forward.
“I have been honest with you from the start this time. I am gay. I have spent the last twenty years being stupidly in love with you, the memory of you, and the way we were back then. I never got over you. Nobody else ever compared. Nobody. It’s so bloody stupid and pathetic, and I can’t believe I am actually telling you this, but I have to. You must understand where I am coming from when I tell you this.”
“Axel...” Jens doesn’t know why he is saying Axel’s name. He just has to say something before he blurts out all his own ugly truths.
“Shut up and let me finish before I chicken out and run out of here.” Axel’s head is in his hands, obviously trying to gather his words so he says this right. “I wanted to meet you so I could take one look at you and realise that I was being an idiot. That I didn’t feel so strongly about you, that this was just some fucked up juvenile crazy idea in my head, and that I would just meet you and realise that I didn’t feel anything for this grown-up version of you. I was hoping you would be a different person and I could walk out of here a free man. I was going to walk out of here and be free of you. Of my pathetic crush on you.”
“And will you? Please don’t walk out. I know I have changed, I am not young anymore, but please let me explain. Let me apologise.” The thoughts in Jens’ head are so confusing that he doesn’t even understand them himself. He doesn’t know what the Hell he is asking for. Just that he needs to say them. That he needs Axel. He needs a friend. He needs someone who will just let him be the messed up person he has become. He needs someone who won’t judge. Someone who will just tell him things will be okay. Someone like Axel. Please.
“For what? I am never going to be free of you. Which is why I can’t be your friend. I can’t spend the next twenty years wanting you when I can never have you. You will never love me that way… the way I want you to, and it wouldn’t be fair on me. I need to get over you, not spend the rest of my life massaging your ego by being your gay friend who has a crush on you. I just can’t Jens. It would kill me. Just look at me. I am pathetic enough as it is.”
“Axel. Don’t. Please don’t. Not when I just found you again.” Jens is reaching out. Trying to touch Axel’s arm. His hand. His skin. Whatever part of Axel he can reach.
Axel swats him away. Because Jens is pathetic. He is going to cry. Any minute now. He can’t do this.
“Jens, I can’t sit here and look at you knowing that this is all I am ever going to get. I can’t live like that.” Axel’s voice is barely a whisper and Jens can’t breathe. Can’t function. Not when his heart is beating out of his chest and his brain is in meltdown.
“Axel. Look. I should never have let you shut me out of your life. It was my fault. I was scared, I was stupid and I wasn’t honest with you. I know that. I just wanted you to myself. I wanted to keep what you and I had special, and private, and all mine. I felt that you and I had this little safe bubble where we existed, and I didn’t want to pop it. I didn’t know what I was doing, and I messed up. I know I hurt you and then I let you shut me out. I should have gone after you, I should have done things differently.”