“You would never have been mine anyway, it wouldn’t have mattered, Jens. We would still have ended up right where we are now. You are straight. I know that. Everything would have ended up the same.”
“I would never wish for my life to have been different, I can’t, Axel. I can’t wish away my children or my marriage. And my life? I fucked up. I messed us up. But I have paid for it, too. I have spent the last twenty years trying to convince myself I was never in love with a boy, that I almost dumped Sofie for you, and that I never wanted to walk away from my marriage. And believe me, Axel. I wanted to walk away from Sofie. I almost did. Many times. Over and over. Until I convinced myself I had imagined it all. Until I convinced myself that you were never real, and it had just been something I had made up in my head. You are not the only one who has suffered, Axel. I hated you. I hated you for leaving. For shutting me out. For not sticking around when I was confused and sad, and angry. I hated you for leaving me behind.”
Jens’ voice breaks. He is not crying. He is not. He is just a little emotional. Fucking distraught. Trying to breathe. Trying to look at Axel when he can’t. He can’t look at him. Not when he has just stripped himself bare in a random dodgy bar on Akers Brygge on a Thursday evening.
The Fjord Bar, Akers brygge, Oslo
Axel doesn’t say a word. Just stares at his hands.
“Don’t leave. Please. I need to take a leak. I just need a moment. I can't think straight when I'm with you.”
Jens stands up and walks away, while Axel stares at his back like he is willing him to turn around. To come back. Axel is fully aware that he is acting like a dick. Trying to put this all on Jens, when in all honesty it was just as much his fault. Two stupid kids who didn’t know any better.
Axel calls the waitress over and pays the bill. Their food sitting mostly untouched on the plates in front of them. Not that Axel could eat anything right now, his stomach full of nerves. Full of sadness. This wasn’t the way he thought things would have gone.
Then Jens is walking over towards him, trying to put the normal swagger in his walk, but with his head down and his shoulders hunched. He is still the most beautiful man, the kind of person who just draws people’s eyes across the room. Tall and slim, but with a presence, that Axel has always admired. He still has it, all that in built charisma, but some of it has dulled.
I’ve broken him again, Axel thinks to himself. He does that. Breaks people. Which is why he should have stayed far, far away from Jens, and just left his fucking romantic notion about sailing into the bloody sunset with the straight dude right at home where it belongs. In one of his bloody romance novels which he reads late at night when his head is swirling, and his body clock is so all over the place that he doesn’t know if it’s day or night.
This must end now. Before they both end up so broken that they never speak again.
They leave. They don’t talk. Just walk side by side back towards town. Axel kicking random gravel out of his way. Jens is so out of it that he steps into the path of a bus and Axel pulls him back. Hand on his arm. Then letting him go like he’s been burned. He can’t. He just can’t.
They walk in the darkness along the streets, and to be honest Axel doesn’t care where they are going. He doesn’t know how to say goodbye. How to leave. How to say, “Please, let me go so I can heal. Please, let me get over you and start over. Please, just let me go.” All while his heart is bleeding and shouting, “For fuck’s sake Jens, I love you. Can’t you see? Don’t you know? And if you say you were in love with me back then, well, why the hell did you let me go?”
Axel knows. He knows the answer. Jens loved someone else more. Axel would always have come second. He would never have been the one.
Jens stops. Rocks on his heels.
“This is home. I live here.” Gesturing to the door behind him. Axel has no idea where he is. He just looks at him. Wonders if this is it. If this is where they say goodbye.
“It was nice to see you again Jens.” Lame, he knows. But there is nothing more he can say.
“Thanks for making it happen.” Jens can’t even meet his eye.
“Take care.” Axel says.
Then he walks. Steady and slow. One foot in front of the other. Axel walks away. He might be dying now but he knows this is the right thing to do. This must stop. He has to stop this ridiculous notion of loving Jens Sommerfeldt until the day he dies. Because it is no good. It’s no good for anyone.
“Axel!” There are running steps behind him, and arms around him, spinning him around, and Jens’ hands are cupping his face. Holding his face, and his eyes are too close, and his breath is on Axel’s skin, and Axel is so weak. He is so weak. He just stands there and lets it happen. He lets Jens’ lips softly touch his. Just the softest of kisses on his lips. It’s one kiss and Axel is weak. He doesn’t even know where to begin to say no. “No. Don’t do this if you don’t mean it. Don’t break my heart because it is already so broken.”
“Shall we see if we can fix this? Please. Please, let me try to fix this.” Jens’ voice is just a whisper.
And Axel is weak. Axel is a fool. He just kisses him. Because that is all he knows how to do. It is all he has ever done. Loved this boy with every molecule in his body. With every little piece of his heart.
So, he does. He kisses him. And Jens kisses him back. All lips and tongues, and spit, and hands, and Axel’s fingers are in Jens’ hair, and it's just, it's desperate.
Axel doesn't think after that. And Jens doesn't know how to stop. How to stop kissing the man in his arms. Because he needs to finish what they started that day at Axel’s apartment twenty years ago, when Axel kissed him first.
This, this is Jens kissing Axel back.
Sommerfeldt apartment, Skøyen, Oslo.
Thursday evening
“Do you want to come up? I can make coffee. I have whiskey if that’s your thing.” Jens is talking into Axel’s mouth. And Axel’s hands are on Jens’ chest, and there are still kisses happening, and he can’t even think straight. So, Jens leads him to the door, holding his hand like he is a child.
It’s probably the worst idea in the world, but Jens can’t risk it. He can’t risk Axel leaving him. And Jens just can’t risk becoming a coward again and not following through with this. He has feelings for Axel. He always did. He has feelings for the man. He wants a man. He fucking kissed a man right out there in the street for anyone to see. And he doesn’t give a flying fuck.
If Sofie could see him now, well Jens almost smiles. She would have laughed. Called him a twat for ever doubting himself. Made some lame joke about how at least it’s not another woman. She would have found it funny. Somehow that makes it alright, which is so fucking ridiculous that he doesn’t know where to start untangling all the thoughts in his head.
He is a father. There are four young children in his home who all lost their mother, and now Jens is bringing this man home, after a night out. It’s wrong. It is wrong on so many levels that Jens can’t even start to defend himself. His only defence is that this is right. This is so right. This is his Axel. And it’s time to own up to a few home truths about himself.