I thought this would be easy. Like totally group therapy style easy. A bunch of quiet kids who just don’t want to be there. Yet now there are two girls laughing hysterically in the corner as another gaggle of girls walk through the door screaming at someone else who apparently writes the cutest shit, and I feel like I have entered some kind of a twilight zone.
“Settle down, you crazy people,” Lukas shouts. “And all mobiles off and placed face up in the middle of the circle. This is a safe space. Nothing said in this room leaves the room. Is that clear?”
Lukas is doing his teacher mode.
“Calm your tits, man.” Some girl in a hijab sighs and pushes her mobile into the middle. Quickly followed by everyone else’s phones. Including mine.
“Today, we have Max here to help me run some group exercises to get us all to talk about things,” Lukas tries, before someone pipes up.
“You promised we could watch a film.”
“No, Rukshana, we are not watching gay romance films today. Another time, when I have had a chance to make sure that any films we watch are suitable and non-offensive.” Lukas takes his seat in the circle.
“But if they are non-offensive, there will be nothing to discuss. It would make a really good discussion if we watched something that might be seen as offensive,” the girl called Rukshana tries.
“You only want to see naked snogging, Ruki,” someone teases.
Rukshana sticks her tongue out. “Don’t we all. I’m only here to talk about cock. And boys kissing.”
“Max?” Lukas begs. “Please help?”
Lukas actually looks desperate. Like this is not what he had in mind. Matteo is laughing so much that he has tears rolling down his cheeks and his hand is in the back pocket of my jeans. Just there. Like he’s permanently attached to me. Which is nice. More than nice.
“Hi!” I squeal out. Then I clear my throat. Own it. Fucking own it. “HI!” Much better. Strong voice. “I’m Max. I’m gay. I’m in Year 2 and suffer from extreme anxiety.”
Shit. That’s my line from group therapy. Not for a random Queer Student group. Not that people seem to care. They are all staring at me and a few of the girls are smiling. Cool.
“I thought we could do some exercises to make us talk to each other, and maybe get to know each other a little bit. There are no rights or wrongs here, and you only have to share what you feel comfortable with. Okay?”
I try to look around the room, but I better not. Fucking scary.
“So, the first thing we could try is two lies and one truth. I will start. I will tell you two lies and one truth. You have to figure out which one is the truth. Feel free to discuss. I won’t help you. So… Are we ready?”
I’m not. I’m nowhere near ready.
“I have a modelling contract.” It’s one I usually use. I am tall enough for it to be believable, and it would be pretty cool if it was true. It’s not. But a few of the girls are nodding. “I have never been kissed.” Yeah, that makes people laugh. Shame, it’s true. “My favourite band is BTS.” Yeah, now they are all screaming. I bet none of them have even heard of Within Temptation. Who are like awesome.
“So now we have to decide which one is the truth?” Rukshana is eyeballing me. Very suspiciously.
“The kissing is definitely not true. Good try, Max,” says the hijab-wearing girl, who is apparently called Reim.
“I heard you retook Year 2, because you were filming this horror movie…” one girl starts as her friend nudges her violently.
“Horror movie?” I squeal out. I hadn’t heard that one.
“Ignore her. She’s brain dead,” someone else says. “I would say modelling contract is true, but then you are not the kind of kid to brag about it. I’m going with BTS. They’re cool.”
“I can’t stand them, One Direction are so much more interesting. But Harry is gay.”
“Harry is fluid.”
“Harry doesn’t need to define himself. He is awesome.”
“Who is Harry?” I whisper to Matteo who is now in a state of almost falling off the chair. Squealing with held back laughter.
“I’m going with the kissing.” The girl called Kornelia is staring at me. Hard.
I decide to rein this in. Fuck it.
“And Kornelia is the winner. Good job. Now, who is next?”
“You’ve never been kissed?” Rukshana screams. “Fuck, there is no hope for me then. Seriously dude? Not even a girl?”
“Nope.” I smile. “I’m gay, and I haven’t even kissed a girl.”
Fuck, this is ridiculous. What the hell was Lukas thinking?
“I’ll go next,” Matteo says and clears his throat. Sits up straight.
“I’ve never been to a rock concert.”
“Lame,” someone shouts. Matteo just laughs. Again. He’s always laughing and I love it.
“I intend to give Max here his first kiss.” Now everyone is screaming, and my face is about to explode with the amount I am blushing. Even Lukas is clapping. Fuck him.
“I would totally do that Harry dude.” Yeah, now the room is chaos. Everyone talking in each other’s faces. Whilst Matteo leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Sorry. But I promise to kiss you properly some other time. When we haven’t got an audience of crazies.”
“You’re crazy,” I whisper to him. His face too near to mine.
“No, that’s you. I’m totally sane.” He’s smiling again. Fuck, I love his smile.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck my life. This. Fuck.
“Hedda!” I shout. “You decide. Which of Matteo’s statements is the truth?”
I should be a teacher. I kind of rock at this.
“He wants you. I mean look at you, Matti. You’re desperate. Easy Max, Matteo wants to deflower your mouth in a passionate kiss…”
Yeah, now Hedda is being disgusting. Licking her lips at Matteo who is blowing air kisses back at her with gusto.
“Next?”
So Rukshana has a crush on a genderless person in Year 3. Great. And Kornelia once sucked someone off in the B block toilets and Hedda is terrified of pigeons and Tua wants to publish filthy gay romance for people to read and ‘Call Me by Your Name’ is Laura’s favourite film and then we have…
“Lukas?”
“Do I have to?”
I don’t have to reply to that since everyone is shouting for him to take his turn and the dude has gone bright red, squirming awkwardly on his chair.
“I have a cat.”
“LAAAAMMMEE.” Everyone moans.
“I loved Call Me by Your Name.”
“Traitor!” Kornelia screams.
“My first kiss was with a straight bloke.”
“Ohhhhh!” Rukshana is about to fall off her chair. “He wasn’t so straight then.” She looks almost triumphant.
“No, he was,” Lukas tries, but everyone is now shouting at him.
“We will need to hear the rest of this story,” Matteo shouts from the edge of his chair. His hand resting on my knee.
“Nope. Never,” Lukas squeals. His face is like scarlet pink. I bet he is wishing he had said he prefers Hershey’s Chocolate to KexChoklad. That would have been a much safer statement than this can of worms.