I kept replaying that moment I stood outside the theater, eyes on the time, knowing he wasn’t going to show. And then Ace’s gentle pity, which felt horrible, because he was the last person I wanted to see just how low I fell on the cool spectrum. But he had seen. He’d been sweet and protective as usual. Very brotherly. Which was the last thing I wanted.
I sighed as the professor wrapped up his lecture and packed up my bag to leave. I’d never have what I really wanted from Ace, and I had to quit projecting that onto him. He was a good friend, and he always looked out for me. Now that I was here anyway. He hadn’t seemed to miss me much in the three years between his high school graduation and mine.
You’re just his friend’s kid brother. Don’t forget that.
As class was released, I checked my phone and winced at the stream of messages I’d ignored all weekend.
You’re his friend’s selfish kid brother, I amended. Ace deserves better.
I tapped out a quick response as I left the building. Just got out of class. I’m fine. Just feeling stupid.
His reply was swift. You’re not stupid; he’s stupid.
I laughed and rolled my eyes, even though Ace wasn’t there to see it. His quick defense was sweet, if not based in reality.
Shouldering my bag, I started the walk back to my dorm. Halfway there, Ace sent me another text.
Lunch?
I had planned to go back to my dorm room and crash after a mostly sleepless night, but I struggled with the reality that I could never say no to this guy. I guess I had to eat, so…
Yeah, sure. Where should I meet you?
My phone dinged again while I climbed the stairs to the second floor. My room was the third door on the right.
I’ll swing by your room.
I walked inside and dropped my bag near my small desk at the foot of my twin-size bed. The desk held my shiny silver laptop covered edge to edge in rainbow stickers — because pride — and a cup full of Sharpies and colored pencils. I kept my more expensive graphite pencils in a case in the drawer. Sharpies were fun for doodling, though, which meant my fingers were regularly stained with red, blue, and black ink.
I took half a step toward my bed, thinking I’d sit while I waited on Ace to appear, and stopped short. A small basket sat in the center of the mattress.
It caught my eye immediately because my bed was neatly made and I never tossed stuff onto it. Across the room, Dre’s bed was heaped with laundry. I swear my roommate slept on his own clothes, then rolled out of bed and pulled on a set. It was kinda gross and impressive at the same time. But my side of the room was always neat and tidy.
Taking a step forward, I peered into the basket. It was filled to the brim with kisses — shiny, foil-wrapped chocolate kisses in red, silver, and gold — with a small card propped on top, the kind you’d often find in a bouquet of flowers.
I picked it up and read it.
Benji,
You deserve all the kisses you want. This is just a taste of the sweetness I feel for you.
Your Secret Admirer
Ace
When I arrived at Benji’s dorm room, the door was open. Pulse pounding in my throat, I edged inside, not sure how Benji would react to the gift I’d left for him. He stood next to his bed, dressed in skinny jeans and his signature hoodie — black with a white samurai sword applique — a stunned expression on his face.
“Hey,” I said, willing myself to sound casual. “Ready for lunch?”
It wasn’t the real reason I’d come by, of course, but it gave me an excuse to be here so I could see his reaction. I hoped the gift would cheer him up. If it weirded him out, I was going to kick myself. I’d wrestled with the idea ever since Sandra suggested it, not sure I should do it, but … I just really wanted Benji to know someone thought he was great. And he’d never believe it if he heard it from me.
Benji dropped a small, red card onto his bedspread and turned toward me. “Oh, um…”
My gaze slid past him to the card. To the gift basket. I already knew what was inside it. Dozens of Hershey kisses, two bags’ worth that I’d picked up at the grocery store that morning.
It might have been better to ignore it — my anonymous gift — but I couldn’t help myself. I crossed the room, picked up the card, read my own message — written in a cursive that wasn’t my usual style. I couldn’t risk Benji recognizing my handwriting. This was already risky. Crazy. Because I couldn’t give Benji gifts, not like this. I couldn’t be his secret admirer, not really. That wasn’t what we were to each other, and it never would be.
I just wanted to see him smile again.
My heart thumped hard as I read the short message. There it was in black-and-white. Even without my name, it felt like a confession. One I shouldn’t — couldn’t — make.
“Secret admirer, huh?” I said, amazed at how cool and calm I sounded.
“It just showed up here,” Benji said. “I don’t know when … I guess while I was in class. Dre forgot to lock up again, so anyone could have walked right in.”
Actually, I’d slipped in when Dre went down the hall for a shower, not sure when I’d get another chance. Everyone was told to lock up regularly, but most people didn’t bother if they weren’t leaving the building. Luckily, Dre didn’t appear to have noticed the little addition to the room when he’d returned. I hadn’t stuck around to see. Dre was cool and all, but I wasn’t trusting anyone with this secret. It was too important.
I tossed the card back to the bed and looked up. Benji had ducked his head, cheeks glowing pink now, smile spreading despite his best efforts.
The sweetness of that bashful smile went straight to my head, and I sucked in a breath to steady myself. Jostling him playfully, I said, “See? I told you it was numbnuts’ loss.”
Benji’s head snapped up. “You don’t think it was him, do you? Maybe he’s sorry.”
I regretted bringing him up. The last thing I wanted was for Benji to latch onto that theory, only to be crushed once again. “Wouldn’t he sign the card if the gift was an apology?”
Benji let out a disappointed breath. “Yeah, probably. He basically ignored me in class, so…”
I almost wanted to backtrack, agree that maybe that asshat did feel bad for standing up Benji. Fuck knows he should feel bad. Benji was the sweetest guy I’d ever met. Never an unkind or careless word. Talented too. I’d give my left nut for an ounce of his artistic talent.
And cute. That one had knocked me for a loop initially. I hadn’t been prepared for how he would affect me when I agreed to welcome him to campus his first day. Little Benji McKenzie took my breath away. Gone was the rowdy little boy, and in his place was a slender, pretty guy who looked like he could be a character in the anime programs he loved to watch: alabaster skin, rich auburn hair, the greenest eyes I’d ever seen.
Swoon.
Yeah. I was legit swooning over a guy. Not just a guy, but Jeremy’s brother.
He wasn’t the first guy I’d ever noticed. No, I owed that one to Jonas making out with a cute boy in the frat hallway after a party. His hookup, a guy with dark hair and bright blue eyes, had looked over Jonas’s shoulder, right at me, and it was like he was telegraphing every bit of his lust in that one look. I’d gone to my room hard and confused, and when I’d gone to sleep, unsatisfied by my quick jerk off to my favorite porn clips, my dreams had assailed me with the abstract feeling of a hard cock dragging against mine.