“What shall I do with it, Nikolai? Love it? I don’t love. I don’t know how,” I tell him, annoyed with the results. I watch him as he sits in the chair in front of me, running his hand through his greying hair.
“Your uncle wouldn’t want that child out in the world alone, Cordae. You know this as well as I do. She’s better off with people that are blood,” Nikolai states the facts, but they are only his facts.
“Is she better off? Do you not know the demons that haunt me, Nikolai?”
“Cord!” he roars cutting me off, but I’m not finished. Not by a long shot.
“No, Nikolai! I have nothing to offer a child! I can’t love it. Is she better off here? At risk? We both know that we are never safe. There’s always that false sense of security but that can be breached at any time.” I can see it within those old worn eyes of his. He knows I can’t offer her anything more than the security that money can buy.
“She’s family. Famiglia!” Scolding me isn’t anything new from him. In fact, I want it. I need it. I need to have that hatred beaten into me. “Your uncle would be disappointed in you if you choose to not include that child in this life.”
He’s right. My uncle always taught me that family is everything. Regardless of what my father may have done, he was never my true family. I’ve never really understood the power of family until I took my place as the boss. Family was nothing more than an illusion when I was a child. My father made sure I didn’t have that sense of pride or love. I’ve carried that fact with me over the years and this is exactly what it’s made me into. Having a family is one thing but taking care of a child is another. I’m not cut out for that. I don’t know what to do with children, how to care for one. As I sit here and debate that in my mind, I realize that I can’t be what my father was to another. Could I? I don’t know that I’d want to beat a child to make it understand. Beat it for not listening or not following directions. I may be a monster, but I surely don’t think I’m that far gone.
“What do I do, Nikolai?” I look up and lock eyes with him as he leans back in his seat.
“I don’t know that you truly want that answered now do you, Cord?”
“Yes, I do. I can’t love a child. I can’t take care of it properly.”
“Maybe not, no but you can provide stability for that child. Your uncle didn’t do a bad job raising you from what I can tell.” I snort out a laugh.
“Not if becoming the devil was part of the plan.”
“I think starting out with the stability of having a home to come to every day is a start for the child, don’t you?” If I didn’t respect the man so much, I might have killed him long ago, but Nikolai is a part of this family whether by blood or not.
“I do suppose it’s worth a shot. Although I make no promises.”
Chapter 13
I pace the warehouse, considering all my options. The gun trade is a wealthy business of which I’m already involved but moving up to larger shipments has always been on the priority list with my uncle. Before he died, this wouldn’t even be up for consideration. My uncle wanted to run every aspect of New York and that included the gun trade. As we already run a majority of the trades that run through here, guns were never my strong suit. Of course I can handle my weapons like a professional thanks to my time in the Navy.
“We bring in military grade guns. Nothing cheap,” I tell him. I won’t settle for less. Gabriel Denali eyes me with interest. He’s our usual gun dealer but since he’s attracted the attention of other families, he is looking to branch out with me. We have a history with him, and I want to keep it that way.
“That’s doable. I can get them.” Nodding my head, I extend my hand, taking his in mine to seal the deal. I know he will play by my rules.
“Price?” The one word that he says pisses me off. As if I don’t have enough money to buy them all if that’s what I desired.
“I’ll give you five hundred a gun,” I tell him. Gabriel shakes his head before standing in front of me. The glare in his eyes pisses me off too. This wasn’t a negotiation. I love how some like to make it seem that way though. “It wasn’t a question, Gabriel. I told you my price and now you will oblige my wishes and deliver them to the same location. Am I understood?” Gritting my teeth, I have zero tolerance for this. Gabriel huffs slightly as he glances around the room at my men ready to shoot on my command.
“Yes, Sir Mr. Vitale. The first shipment will be in a week.” Nodding my head, I slide my hands into my pockets as I take in the man in front of me.
“I will advise you to never speak to me in that manner again. I don’t ask you questions, I tell you what the plan is,” I inform him leaning in. The closer I lean into his face, the more the fear resonates itself in his eyes.
“Yes, sir.” Turning on my heel I pull back and head towards the door.
“What a shit head.” Jordy speaks next to me as I chuckle.
“He’s been that way for as long as I’ve known him. The asshole always wants things his way.” Jordy climbs into the limo behind me.
“What are your plans on the little girl?” he asks. Scrubbing my hand across my face, I turn to face him.
“As much as I’d like to say she’s not living with me, reality says she is. Nikolai was right. My uncle would be disappointed if I let someone that is blood walk away from the family. She’s blood. The least I can do for her is giving her a home and financial security; I should at least do that.” Jordy shakes his head before he speaks.
“You can give more than that, Cord. I know you.” He thinks he does. He doesn’t know me, no one does. He knew me a long time ago.
“You knew me. You don’t know what I’ve become. You don’t know the things that keep me awake at night.” It isn’t a lie. Jordy may be my best friend, my other hand, but he doesn’t really understand what I’ve become over the years. Something dark worked its way into my heart and took hold. There’s nothing left of the man that I used to be and that’s something that I learned to deal with a long time ago.
“You are way too hard on yourself, Cord,” he says softly. I shrug my shoulders and look over at him.
“Hasn’t this life changed you?” I ask, wanting to know what he thinks. I’ve seen the change in him, I felt it when it happened, but I also want his perspective on it.
“I know it has but I can’t completely shut down my feelings the way you did. I know it’s hard for you to accept change when it comes to letting people in, but I also know that you have a heart beating in that chest.” I huff out a laugh before nodding slowly.
“As strange as it sounds, I like that you still feel that way. I like that you think you can see something else in me when I know there isn’t anything left. I often wonder when it all happened. I know I felt a gradual change when I was with my uncle but then something just, I don’t know, snapped into place. It was like a curtain was drawn and my world stood behind it. It was glaring and blinding but I saw it for what it was,” I tell him as we ride back home.
“I watched it happen. It wasn’t overnight, Cord. You changed slowly over time. Each kill, each drink, you changed. It was an eye opener for sure.” Nodding my head, I slowly close my eyes and lay my head back on the seat. He saw what I’d always felt. The darkness creeping its way under the surface and tarnishing everything it touched.