Lying out on a sun lounger on the sand half under an umbrella I’m watching the two of them building sand castles near the shore and sneakily taking photos with my phone. Nick is covered in sand without a care in the world, there’s even some in his hair. It’s the sweetest sight. He’s turned out to be a truly amazing father, more than I ever expected from him considering our situation. Perhaps it was always meant to turn out this way, to give us both the time we needed to mature.
I keep thinking back to when I was in the hospital and Nicholas was at my bedside. I am positive I heard him crying but I also know I heard him talking, although I can’t one hundred percent for sure say if he actually said all those things or if I dreamt it.
As I’m lost in my own mind Charlotte has filled up a bucket of water and is walking back to Nick, wobbling all over the place trying to not spill it. Of course being my child she trips over her own feet, the bucket goes flying out of her hands, tipping the water all over her father. He is absolutely drenched. She freezes on her hands and knees looking at him waiting for his reaction. He starts laughing, a deep laugh which gets Charlie belly laughing too, soon the three of us are laughing, Nick wipes the water out of his eyes and hair with his fingers before removing his wet t-shirt.
I’m admiring the muscles rippling on his arms, shoulder and back as he moves around, all that golden skin on display. That’s when I see them, the scars on his back. There is one large scar running up and down the middle of his spine and a few little white ones along the side. Oh my God, it’s true, what I think I heard, it has to be, those are surgery scars. Tears are falling before I can stop them. My heart is aching for what he must have gone through.
He walks up the beach to where I am, grabbing a towel to dry himself and sees the tears running down my cheeks which I wasn’t fast enough to wipe away. His face frowns in worry so he sits beside me.
“Hey, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” He wipes my tears away with his thumbs.
“Your scars.”
“Oh,” he hesitates, not saying anything else. “Umm…”
“I heard what you said in the hospital, while I was half asleep, I mean I only heard bits and pieces but I can put most of it together.” He looks down at his feet.
“Why haven’t you said anything all week?”
“I honestly didn’t know how to bring it up and I was afraid that I had dreamt it and it wasn’t real. Perhaps I was hoping it wasn’t true.”
“How much did you hear?”
“That you tried to call my dad and that you had an accident. There’s more isn’t there considering the scars on your back?”
“Yes. A whole lot more.”
“Are you in any pain?”
“No. Just the usual back pain here and there and sometimes if the weather is really cold my bones hurt.”
“Why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier? You’ve had months, Nicholas.” He looks over to Charlotte who’s busy digging a hole with her spade.
“I didn’t know how to tell you. What was the best way to bring it up? At first you were so angry at me, barely being able to stand being near me. I don’t think you were ready to sit and listen to me.”
That may be true but I’m still upset with him keeping this. How many more secrets are there? I was beginning to think we were finally getting to a good place.
“You were still keeping things from me.”
“No, not intentionally, I was always going to tell you. Don’t start putting walls up, Alannah, please. We need to talk, I know we do and we will, but can we do it later, let’s enjoy the rest of the day with our daughter. I’ll tell you everything that happened on the plane.”
“I’ll agree to that but only to not ruin Charlotte’s day but you need to tell me everything, Nick.” The last thing I want is to be made to feel foolish once more.
I leave him sitting on the sun lounger and join Charlie in the sand.
We’re finally in the air. From the time we left the beach until we boarded the plane I’ve been mentally preparing myself to hear whatever Nick is going to tell me. I figure it’s going to be tough to listen to, why else would he put it off for so long. From the little I recall there was no mistaking the pain behind his words.
We had dinner and have tucked Charlotte in the bed at the rear of the plane watching a movie on her tablet, leaving us alone in our seats, opposite each other with a small wooden table between us.
“You said we would talk,” I begin the conversation.
“Please let me get it all out at once without interrupting me.” I nod in agreement and wait.
His voice is flat, emotionless, he could be talking to a stranger or about something as insignificant as the weather as he begins his story from the time of finding out about his test results, having to fly to London, to calling my father, being hit and everything that followed afterwards, his surgery and recovery, how frustrated he was with therapy, his loneliness, his fears and struggles, not only physically but with Moore & Morgan as well. My emotions are seesawing up and down from one extreme to the other. I’ve have to wipe my never ending tears away listening to him talk. Nick however refuses to make eye contact with me, instead his eyes are trained out the plane’s window towards the complete darkness of the sky.
I rise from my seat and step around the table to sit next to him, taking his hand in mine. His eyes are sad and wary as he turns to me.
“You really truly wanted to come to us so long ago.”
“Of course I did, Lana. The thought of the two of you out there kept me going, not giving up. You know at the time I had no idea if I had a son or daughter. I wanted to wait until I saw you in person to find out.”
“You could have so easily had been killed that night.” His only response is a shrug. “I always thought Charlotte would have the chance and opportunity to meet you when she got older. That almost didn’t happen.”
“I’m still here.”
I wrap my arms around his neck hugging him close to me, his own automatically surrounding my waist. At one point I may have wished that I had never met him but as hard as I tried I never stopped loving and missing him. He was so lucky, he may have been gone that day for good and I never would have known he was coming for us. I pull back letting him go, staring into his eyes.
“You have to come clean to everybody, to your family.” I tell him.
“No,” he shakes his head. “What difference will it make now? They’ll hate me all over again.”
“Or they’ll understand why their son and brother stayed away for so long and it wasn’t because he didn’t care about them. How do you think your parents and sister, hell even Flynn are going to feel when they find out that you would rather go through something like that on your own? It will devastate them but it has to be better than thinking you didn’t give a shit about them, don’t love them. Stop pushing everybody away.”
“I can’t do that to them. I’ve already put them through so much heartache.”
“Yes you can. If this is going to work I’m not going to keep such a big secret from your family. I can’t do that. I’ll be there with you when you tell them if that’s what you want. You know it’s the right thing to do.” He says nothing while closing his eyes and resting his head on the back of his seat. “I’m angry at you. Not for what happened but how you went about it afterwards. You know what your problem is, Nicholas, it’s never completely letting anyone in, thinking you’re so much better off on your own, when you don’t have to be. Even when we were together there was still that tiny part of you I couldn’t reach and you know it’s true. You’ve always had this wall up because of your childhood, I’m sorry you never knew your biological mother and your father neglected you, but can’t you see it’s no longer needed. You’re loved by so many people who would never hurt you.” I take a deep breath in and out as he remains silent. He is such a frustrating man at times. “Tell me the truth about why you waited to call me. All it would have taken is one phone call. What was going on in that head of yours?” I sit back and wait. I’m not allowing him to get away with not giving me the answers I want and need.