“If you love her, why aren’t you married?”
I’d love to know where the hell all this curiosity is coming from tonight, but I don’t let my irritation show, passing her a napkin as she drags a finger through the sauce of her de-cheesed pizza and then licks it off.
“Grown-up reasons,” I answer vaguely.
She rolls her eyes. “That’s what you always say.”
“That’s because it’s true.”
I have yet to come up with a kid-friendly way of answering that question. I’m sure as hell not about to tell her that we got divorced because our sex life was deader than disco and her mom started sleeping with someone else. Maybe I could go with something along the lines of we divorced because we both wanted to sleep with other men. She might get a kick out of that one someday, if I ever get around to coming out and…you know, actually sleeping with men.
I wasn’t surprised when Val sat me down and told me, sobbing on my shoulder and begging for forgiveness. We hadn’t had sex in years at that point; we weren’t even sharing a bedroom anymore. I could tell she felt guilty, but the truth was, it was a huge weight off.
I’d loved Val since we were teenagers, but after more than twenty years together, I started to wonder if I loved her the way I was supposed to. What kind of man doesn’t want to have sex with his wife? What kind of man literally comes up with any excuse in the world not to have sex with his wife until she gives up bothering to hint about it? I know exactly what kind of man, but I’ve never been able to admit it to anyone, not to her and not to myself. Although, sometimes I wonder if she already knows.
We finish dinner, and luckily Livi’s curiosity seems to be satisfied, because she stops asking about me and her mother. I help her wrap up her homework and then we watch TV together for a while before I send her off to bed.
Once her teeth are brushed and she’s under the covers, I go in to give her a kiss and wish her sweet dreams. I leave the hall light on and her door cracked because she’s been having nightmares lately. I tried to talk her into a nightlight instead, but she insists they’re for babies, so the hall light it is.
Even though it’s still on the early side, I head straight for my bedroom as well. I change into my pajamas and crawl under my covers with a tired groan. I tap my phone to open a dating app I downloaded and will likely never have the guts to try.
It shouldn’t be this difficult. It’s not like I have anything against it. Hell, my best friends all are…
I pull up my text thread to Val one more time and type out a message I know I won’t send.
Everett: I’m gay
I delete the words in a hurry before closing out of the text thread again, my heart pounding at the silent admission.
“I’m gay,” I say out loud, chuckling at myself as a strange weight eases off my chest. Well, in theory I’m gay. I haven’t actually had any first-hand— insert handjob joke here— experience. But maybe after all these years, it’s finally time for me to change that.
Chapter 2
Watson
I dodge a gaggle of fifth grade girls who are barreling down the hallway toward their first class of the day.
“No running in the hallway,” I call after them before ducking into the teachers’ lounge. Several teachers greet me with a smile or a head nod as I make my way to the coffee pot to pour myself a cup. It’s basically burnt, brown water, but I overslept and didn’t have time to make coffee at home, so it’ll have to do.
“I can’t believe you’re going to drink that,” my favorite colleague and one of my best friends, Mia, says from behind me.
“Desperate times and all that,” I say, adding a ridiculous amount of powdered creamer in the hope that it will cover the taste of the actual coffee, and then turning around to face her. God, she looks way too put together for a Monday morning. She’s a gym teacher, she’s supposed to have a beer belly and a bad attitude, not spandex and a permanent megawatt smile.
“God, how do you always look like that?” I complain, shuffling over to the round table in the center of the room and pulling out a chair, the metal feet scraping loudly against the scuffed linoleum.
“I eat healthy and exercise,” she says with a shrug.
I wrinkle my nose. “Pass.”
Sure, she looks fantastic, and her body is insane, but at what cost? I flick open the box of donuts in the center of the table and grab one. If I have to have shitty coffee, at least donuts exist. I take a bite of the sugary goodness, and all is right in the world.
“Do you think I could get away with replacing the Christopher Columbus song with the Eat Me song from The Addams Family Values for the first-grade fall concert?” I muse.
Mia snorts a laugh. “It is Thanksgiving themed, and it would probably be equally as controversial as doing a Christopher Columbus one, so I say go for it.”
“I’m sure the principal would love it,” I joke.
“Absolutely. She has a fantastic sense of humor,” she agrees sarcastically.
“She likes me though,” I point out.
“Not that much,” Mia argues.
“Fair enough.”
“Anyway, I know this is all a distraction to keep me from asking about the date you had this weekend.”
Damn. Busted.
“There was no date,” I tell her, taking a sip of my coffee and wincing at the taste.
“What happened?”
“He texted me last minute and said something came up,” I answer. “My guess is a younger, hotter dude.”
“What a fucking knob,” she says, shaking her head.
“Knob?” I repeat, arching an eyebrow at her.
“I thought I’d try out some international slang this week,” she explains. “I’m bored of calling everyone a dickhead.”
I snort a laugh and then sigh. “I’m starting to think the whole happily ever after thing just isn’t in the cards for me. I mean, how many hints does the universe have to drop before I finally catch on?”
“First of all,” Mia says, fixing me with her stern look that tells me I’d better buckle up for a lecture, “happily ever after does not have to mean the perfect man to warm your bed at night, you can have a full and happy life without a partner. And, secondly, maybe you need to take your foot off the gas pedal and take some time to reassess. You could be so desperate to find the perfect man that you’re settling for all the wrong ones.”
“You could be right,” I agree, shoving the rest of my donut into my mouth.
The first warning bell rings, and we both stand up.
“Thanks for the advice. I think you’re right, and it’s time I give things some real thought.”
“Glad to be of service.”
“Grab a drink tonight?” I ask.
“Duh.” She rolls her eyes at the stupid question, and we both head out to get to our classrooms before the kids descend.
Everett
On some level, I always expected that if I could get up the courage to admit the truth to myself, everything else would fall into place, and whatever comes next would be clear. Funny, apparently life doesn’t exactly work that way.
“You have everything?” I check with Livi as I pull up in front of her school.