“Yes,” she answers.
“Good. I’ll see you in a week. I love you. Be good for your mom.”
“Love you, Daddy.” She unbuckles and leans through the gap between the front seats to give me a kiss. My heart aches as she gets out of the car. Don’t get me wrong, there are upsides to having every other week off parenting duty, but it doesn’t stop me from missing her every second.
I watch until she makes it inside the school before I pull out and head to work.
There are already three cars and all four of our work trucks parked in the gravel driveway when I arrive at the Four Bears Construction office building. When I was thirty-four years old, it had never crossed my mind to be a business owner, but after a decade of hard work, and a hell of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Cole, Ollie, Stone, and I have built something worth being proud of.
“Tell me again how you broke your kitchen table?” Ollie’s voice travels down the hallway as I step into the building.
“The screws in the legs must’ve come loose somehow, I barely bumped it before it completely collapsed. I’m just glad Nards wasn’t under there when it went down,” Stone answers.
“Somehow, right,” Ollie teases. I round the corner to find them all gathered around the coffee pot in the hallway, as is our morning routine.
“Somehow,” Stone agrees with a wicked smirk.
“I’m guessing it was the combined weight of you and Dare fucking on it,” Cole offers helpfully.
“It was a blowjob, not fucking,” Stone argues.
West, Stone’s new apprentice, who also happens to be Dare’s nephew, wrinkles his nose, and shakes his head.
“Probably more information than anyone wanted,” I say, because I can’t imagine West wants to hear it, even though I’m sure he won’t complain out loud since he is the low man on the ladder around here.
I tug on the bill of my baseball hat, my hardhat under my arm, as I saunter over to the coffee maker and grab my favorite mug to fill.
“Sorry, Ev. Too much gay for you first thing in the morning, right?” he teases, and I tense, accidentally splashing coffee onto the small table instead of into my mug.
Now’s the perfect time to test out my newfound admission to myself. These are my best friends, and it just so happens every one of them is gay. I imagine the stunned, amused looks they all might wear if I set my coffee cup down right now and said I like dick. I’m almost positive Stone would reply with something along the lines of “join the club”, and Ollie would probably lament that this means another person is going to meet the man of their dreams before he does. They won’t care. I should just say it.
But something holds me back. After everything I put Val through during our marriage, letting her shoulder the guilt when I basically drove her into the arms of another man, she deserves to be the first to know. Once I get up the courage to tell her, it’ll be a breeze to tell the guys.
I finish pouring my coffee and take a sip, not saying a word as I head into my office and the four of them resume giving each other a hard time.
I sit down at my desk, setting my coffee mug down and logging into my schedule so I can see what I have going on today. Stone peeks his head into my office just as I’m taking off my hat to set it on my desk next to my coffee.
“You know I was just being an ass, right? I know you’re not bothered by the gay stuff.”
“I think we’ve known each other long enough that you being an ass goes without saying.”
He gives me the finger, and we both laugh, some of the heaviness in my shoulders easing. He ducks back out of my office and I slump in my chair. I’m not sure what’s got me in such a mood this morning, aside from the whole admitting to myself that I’m…gay…thing. Eventually I’ll be able to think it without hesitation, right? And maybe even say it out loud with other people around?
But then what?
It crashes down on me all at once that I’m forty-four years old. It’s a bit fucking late for self-discovery, isn’t it? Am I going to start dating men all of a sudden? That’ll go well. Hi handsome stranger, I’m a gay virgin who’s deep in the closet, and I’ve never even kissed a man. Yeah, that should have the boxer briefs hitting the floor.
I turn my attention back to my computer, checking my schedule and then my email. I have a reminder from the school about a parent teacher conference at the end of next week, so I shoot Val a text asking if we’re tag teaming that or what and add it to my schedule so I won’t forget it. After that, I finish an estimate I was working on yesterday and email it, and then I get ready to head out for a kitchen remodel consultation.
Construction might not be the most glamorous career in the world, but no matter how little sense the rest of my life makes at times, the physical nature of getting my hands dirty always feels right.
Chapter 3
Everett
Sitting in my car outside of the familiar bar I’ve never actually set foot inside, something feels different tonight. I feel just a fraction braver than I ever have in the past. This is the night; I can feel it.
I don’t need to go in there and find a hookup. I just need to set foot inside. If I can take that step, anything is possible.
I can have a drink and get a feel for things, observe things like Jane Goodall. With three gay best friends, I’ve been to a gay bar so many times I’ve lost count, but I’ve always worked hard not to pay too much attention to my surroundings. I knew if I looked around too much, caught the eye of someone too interesting, let myself relax, that little voice in the back of my head that’s been telling me for twenty years I’m not straight might rear its ugly head, and I wasn’t ready to deal with it.
Am I ready now? I think the jury is still out on that one. But going into the bar shouldn’t be that hard. I’m ready for that step at least.
I squeeze the steering wheel and let out a long breath in an attempt to release some of the nervous energy raging inside of me.
“You’re going to sit in a bar, that’s it,” I mutter to myself, and clearly, it’s the pep talk of the year. “Get your ass out of the car,” I command more sternly when the first words of encouragement fail to get me moving.
I manage to pry my hands off the steering wheel and get out of the car. The night is cool, a reminder that it’s nearly October. Livi has already changed her mind three times about what she wants to be for Halloween. I learned my lesson two years ago when I bought her the first costume she requested. Now I’m smart enough to wait until the week before. Thinking about my daughter has my stomach twisting in a knot. She’s just one of many reasons why dating should be the last thing on my mind.
On the bright side, my thoughts of Livi are distracting enough that I’ve made it to the door of the bar before I even realize it. I stop dead in my tracks and stare at the door. I’ve never made it this far, and I’m not about to turn back now. My heart pounds so hard I’m surprised it doesn’t burst right through my chest. I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and take a few deep breaths. I can do this.
I square my shoulders and reach for the handle with a shaky hand. Before I can tug it, the door flies open, and two men stumble out in the middle of a lip lock. One of them laughs against the other’s mouth, and the other makes a deep, rumbling sound of pleasure as he pulls the first man closer.