Only this…this felt so much more intimate, too raw.
And what was worse? When my hair was safely behind my ear, his fingers didn’t leave my space; they trailed along my jaw, eliciting strange, conflicting feelings inside of me. Heat gathered anywhere he touched. I wanted to pull away, I wanted to lean in and let him touch me more. I didn’t know what I wanted.
“You still don’t believe me,” Calum whispered, his handsome face wrought with emotion I could not read, mostly because I was too focused on the way his fingers touched me, on how good they felt on my skin.
What would his hand feel like in other places?
“I wish you would,” he added, his deep voice softer than I’d ever heard it. My eyes glanced up, meeting his, and I was instantly lost in how blue they were, how the string lights above us lit them up like fireworks in the sky.
Was it just me, or was his head leaning down to mine?
Before anything happened that I’d regret, that he’d most definitely regret, I found my voice, whispering, “I…I’ve never kissed anyone, either.” There, my lameness was out in the open now. Calum knew everything about me, so there really was no point in continuing this, was there? Surely he’d withdraw his hand from me, turn away and lead me back to the car and take me home.
The problem? The problem was I wasn’t sure if that’s what I wanted him to do or not. Fuck, I was so conflicted. So much more confused than I’d ever been.
“That,” he whispered, his breath hot on my face, “is something I can help you with, if you want.” The fingers on my jaw moved; his hand cupped my cheek, those same fingers curling around my head and tangling in my hair. His other hand came up, mirroring the first. He now held me in place, with a firmness and a strength I could not fight. He practically held me up; my legs were close to giving out.
This wasn’t happening. This was not happening.
Though it was probably the stupidest thing I’d ever done, I found myself nodding slowly.
Calum said nothing, no quips or further embarrassing statements. His head bent to reach mine, his nose brushing against mine as I felt the first grazing of his lips. His eyes had closed, and I allowed mine to shut, too. He was too close to be anything other than a blurry haze in front of me, anyway.
A blurry haze whose lips were currently on mine, giving me my first kiss.
His lips pressed against mine, heat following shortly. His entire body leaned into me, or was it the opposite? Did I lean into him instead? Into his wide chest, allow his muscles to be my crutch? I was too stunned at first, too shocked to do much other than accept the kiss and memorize the way his lips felt on mine.
It was…it was anything but sloppy. It was soft and slow, tender and warm, everything good in this world wrapped up and given in a kiss. It was enough to make me forget all my worries, enough to make me lose myself in the feeling rising inside my body. To say it was nice would be the biggest understatement of the year.
It was more than nice. It was freaking spectacular.
I tried to reciprocate, tried to kiss him back, but I was certain I fumbled. I was new to this, after all. This was my first. I did, though, slowly reach up and touch his chest, feel his warmth under his shirt, the soft fabric easy to grip.
I had no idea how long it lasted, honestly. It could’ve lasted a few seconds, or minutes. Either way, by the time he pulled his lips from mine, I could barely breathe, could hardly feel my heart in my chest, for it beat so fast. My lips felt the loss of his immediately, and I panted, slowly opening my eyes to meet his stare.
He looked…well, at this point, I wasn’t sure how he looked. Did he enjoy it? Was I good at it? Was it terrible? Oh, God, it was probably the worst kiss he’d ever had.
I wanted to pull away at that thought, wanted to run and hide, but Calum’s hands still held onto my face, his thumbs caressing my cheeks.
A smile grew on his face. “Not bad for a first kiss,” Calum whispered, leaning his forehead down on mine. Again, our noses touched, but he made no moves to kiss me again, which I was thankful for. If he did, I was pretty sure I would’ve exploded. “Just wait. They only get better.”
This man had given me my first kiss, my first date. I knew better than to hope he’d give me more. More dates, more kisses. No, Calum would leave, and I would be left with nothing but the memory of him.
Calum’s smile softened as he finally released his hold on my face. He took a step away from me, but before I could say anything else, before I could apologize for how awful that kiss surely had to be, his hand found mine, and he tugged me along, walking us through the trails.
He probably didn’t want me to apologize for anything. He’d probably get annoyed with me if I tried to, so maybe it was best to swallow it down and try to forget about it.
That kiss…I could see why some people made such a big deal out of their first kisses. When done right, they were amazing. Made you feel all light and giddy, like you could just float up into the sky, you were so weightless.
I shouldn’t think about it. I should stop right now, and cut that memory and experience from my mind. Thinking about it would only make me want to kiss him more, which would only make the feelings inside of me real.
They couldn’t be real. Calum and I would never work.
“What are you thinking about?” Calum’s voice broke the silence of our walk. We now stood beside the lakeshore, its calm surface reflecting the moon’s light above. The area was a beautiful park; I was surprised it wasn’t busier.
I said nothing, which caused him to stop walking and squeeze my hand harder. “I don’t want to say,” I whispered, feeling the need to shut down. If only I was home right now, if I was under the covers…
Calum would not let it go. “Why?” When I said nothing, he went on, “I’m not going to drop this, Bree. If there’s one thing you should know about me, it’s that I’m stubborn.” So he wasn’t a liar, and he was stubborn. Two things I shouldn’t know about Kyle’s brother that I did now…along with how soft and gentle his lips felt like on mine.
Ugh, I guess I should just tell him, that way he could shut up about it.
“I wish I wouldn’t have let you kiss me,” I muttered quietly, frowning to myself. The kiss was nice, yes. The kiss was amazing and something that I’d never forget, but that was the problem. I’d never forget it, and Calum would go on, live his life, completely forgetting about little old me. No one ever spent the time to remember me.
That must’ve not been what he was expecting. “Why?”
“Because,” I said, practically shaking—something he surely could feel through our hand-holding, “you’re just going to leave, anyway. This isn’t…I don’t kiss people and then never see them again. That’s not me.” It had to be something he’d thought about. Twenty years without a kiss, and then to have my first taken by Calum, a man who wouldn’t stick around…could I be more stupid?
Plus, the guy just got out of a relationship. Even if he was sticking around, I knew enough to know I’d only be his rebound.
He said nothing, only staring at me, which prompted me to add, “And you just got out of a relationship. I’m not a girl you can hook up with and leave.” Just saying those words hurt; my throat felt dry, like I’d just coughed up a few knives as I spoke. “Who knows? You might go back home and find that your ex wants you back—” This was a lot to unload on a second date.