But there was. Ana knew what had happened. She knew exactly what had happened. To avoid Rex’s eyes, she pulled him closer. How was she going to tell Joel? Was she going to tell Joel? What was she going to tell Joel? And she knew she had to tell Rex. She couldn’t let him go on believing this was his child. She felt even worse knowing that it wouldn’t cross Rex’s mind that she would cheat – he must just think the implantation was a scientific miracle!
‘Thank god. Everything’s all right,’ said Rex.
At home that night in her sweatpants, Rex was waiting on her like an invalid. It was both sweet and suffocating. He made her chicken soup (well, he warmed it), served with some slightly carbonised toast. Her guilt was making her more irritable than usual, and she found herself snapping every time he spoke to her.
‘What would you like it to be? I was a very ugly baby. All long skinny limbs. Like a rag doll. You were a beautiful baby. Your dad showed me photos of you in one of those South American hippy hats with the ear pieces. You were adorable.’
‘I was fat.’
‘Babies can’t be fat. They can only be chubby. It just means they’re healthy. No one loves a skinny baby. They look like aliens.’
He reclined next to her. Very close.
‘What do you want to watch?’
He flicked through channels. BBC1 was a crime drama. A pregnant Olivia Colman was bumbling around trying to solve a murder. BBC2 was a documentary on gene-editing. ITV was a hospital drama. Channel Four showing one of the Star Wars movies. ‘I’m your father, Luke. Wheeze. Wheeze.’
Ana clamped her eyes shut. Was the god of TV taunting her?
‘Ana, darling, are you OK?’
She shook her head.
‘Just tired. I’m going to have a bath and go to bed.’
He jumped up.
‘Let me run it for you.’
‘No!’ she said too angrily.
He sat back down, chastened.
‘No,’ she said, calmer now. ‘I’m not made of porcelain. I’ll be fine. Just coming to terms…’
Rex looked so hurt that she felt guilty and she leaned down and kissed him.
‘Goodnight, sweet Rex. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
From the doorway, she glanced back at Rex. He was staring at Darth Vader with a look of white terror on his face, she knew she must try to be kinder.
As the bath ran, she stood and scrutinised her profile in the mirror. Was there a baby bump? Were her breasts bigger? Did she feel different? She felt better as she held her belly. She took a deep breath and reached for her phone and scrolled down through her missed calls. She wanted to tell Stella and Dixie, but there was so much going on she didn’t know what to say. She sighed and put the phone aside.
Hiding in the hot seclusion of her bath tub, she let the emotions wash over her. She’d run the water very hot and was stewing, but she felt warm and safe, she realised, for the first time since she’d left Joel’s arms. She closed her eyes as the sweat ran down her face.
‘Is everything all right, babe? Can I get you anything?’
She was so deep in her reverie that she struggled to speak. She coughed to clear her throat.
‘I’m fine.’
‘I heard splashing.’
‘I’m just… washing. I’ll be out in a minute.’
He tried the door. She’d forgotten to lock it. He entered.
‘You’re very red. Let me get you some water.’
‘Really, Rex. It’s… Thank you.’
She couldn’t fault Rex for his loving attentiveness. She had to pull herself together and get her head straight. Sex was one thing. Love was another. But her love for Rex was the wrong love, and her passion for Joel was already nearly love, they just needed a chance to be together. She knew this. She’d always known this, but she also knew it was a risk, and on the whole, Ana was not a risk-taker. But now she had a baby inside her that she had to protect at all costs, and even if was just her and her child, she would be fine. It was all on the spreadsheet – except the baby. There was no column for a baby as a result of a one-night-stand. But what could she trust now? What could she rely on? Eighteen hours earlier, she’d been a woman in a loveless relationship with a kind and gentle man she didn’t have the courage to leave, and what was she now?
Rex returned with a glass of cold water and held it to her lips and stroked the damp hair off her forehead. His face glowed in the steam.
‘We’re going to have a baby,’ he said.
She nodded and lowered her eyes.
‘Don’t stay in there too long.’
‘I won’t,’ she agreed. She closed her eyes and let more fantasies of Joel flood over her, before slowly climbing out of the bath and slipping into bed.
Moments later Rex came into the bedroom where Ana was lying facing the wall, tears in her eyes. She couldn’t go on like this. Rex was a good man and he deserved better. She had to tell him. She had to say something.
‘I don’t get it,’ he said, as he stroked her hair tenderly. ‘This was meant to be the most exciting day of our lives. This is everything we wanted, Ana, a baby. And yet you are so sad.’
She let out another sob.
‘It will be OK, you know… It’s probably just shock,’ he said. ‘I read that the hormones can make you happy and sad, all at once. I just want you to know that I am here for you. Whatever you need.’
‘Stop it, Rex, please, just stop!’ sobbed Ana, tears pouring down her cheeks. ‘It’s not hormones, and yes, this was meant to be the happiest day of our lives, but it’s not. It’s a fucking mess!’
‘What do you mean? You’re having doubts about the baby? I’m sure that’s a totally natural feeling, I mean after all…’
‘No, I want the baby, of course I do. It’s just… it’s just…’ She took his hands in hers. ‘I’m sorry, I really am. I never wanted this to happen. You’ve been amazing.’
He pulled away, confusion and hurt flashing through his eyes. ‘I don’t understand, Ana. What are you saying? What are you talking about?!’
‘I slept with Joel. In New York.’
‘Who?’
‘Joel, my ex.’
‘Oh, in New York. Oh, OK.’ His whole demeanour changed. His voice became hard. ‘That explains a lot. The Justin Bieber type.’
‘Well, more country and western actually.’
Rex snorted, stared for a while at her hands.
‘And you tell me this now? After everything we’ve been through today! You let me— You’re carrying our baby… aren’t you?’ He was pleading.
‘I’m sorry, Rex.’
‘It could be mine… The doctor said.’
She shook her head and reached out guiltily, but he was out of reach. ‘I’m sorry, Rex, I really am, but…’
‘OK, OK. Fuck. Fuck you, Ana, for doing this to me – I can’t believe I am hearing this! I thought you were different. I thought we loved each other. Obviously that means nothing to you.’
She watched his face set into a determined grimace that held back more rage and shame than she could bear to witness. She lowered her eyes as he stood and left the room. Soon she heard the front door slam and after the reverberations faded, the bedroom was the quietest, loneliest place she’d ever endured.