‘He was just trying to protect you. The ex—’
‘Daisy.’
‘The EX-wife is in a coma. Irrecoverable. She’s brain-dead, Dixie. Why didn’t you talk to him?’
‘Why did he lie to me?’
‘Did he?’
‘At best he let me believe something that wasn’t true.’
‘Have you ever been in his situation? How might you act?’
‘I’m with you, Dix. He’s a lying arse. At best he’s weak and way short on integrity. At worst, he’s shown his cards. If he’ll lie about this, what else will he lie about?’
‘Stella, don’t bring your shit to this party. Listen, Dixie, it would be easy for me to condemn Freddie. Clearly there are things he could have done differently. But who are we to judge his head state? He’s a man who loves deeply. Isn’t he? He made you feel loved, didn’t he?’
Dixie was silent.
‘In fact, I think it makes him seem incredibly selfless when you think about it. I think he really is the amazing person you thought he was. He is just caught up in a very complicated situation.’
‘He lied to her, Ana. If he really loved her, he would have been honest. We all know that truth always prevails.’
‘No, Stella. Think about your own life. You’re not always honest about everything, are you?’
‘I—’ Stella stopped herself. There was something in Ana’s expression that alarmed her.
‘Talk to him, Dixie. You made each other so happy. Just allow yourself to have the conversation with him, and if after that you still think you don’t want him, then fine. But don’t regret not calling him – after all, it’s often the things we don’t do that we regret the most. I don’t want that to happen to you. We all saw how happy he made you.’
‘Wow, quite the philosopher, Ana,’ smiled Dixie. ‘Did Joel’s phallus inject some new clarity?’
Stella sighed. ‘She’s right, Dixie. The man deserves to be heard out. Act in haste, repent at leisure. If you still think he’s a lying bastard then you’ve lost nothing. You should only make a big decision like this when you know all the facts. It’s too easy to act on our prejudices, isn’t it?’
‘Listen to Stella,’ pleaded Ana.
‘OK, I get it. I need to talk to Freddie. I am just so angry. It all seemed too good to be true, and then it was. I’d been waiting, I guess, for the bomb to drop. Things are never that good, that’s just the way life is… But if he has lied about this, what else has he lied about? Are there more secrets? Maybe I don’t know him at all.’
‘I say, listen to him, but go with your gut, Dix. Don’t give up on it that easily. If you break up with Freddie, where will Ana and I find our excitement?’ said Stella as she downed her glass of champagne. She was going to have to ask Jake to sort childcare. Could she still trust him? She knew that she was going to have to: this was going to be a long one.
Ana turned to her.
‘Your turn, Stella. Isn’t it about time you confessed to Dixie?’
Stella felt herself blush.
‘I have nothing to add. You both know about Jake. The gambling and the lying. Tens of thousands thrown away. The—’
‘You don’t remember, do you?’
Stella felt her throat tightening.
‘Remember?’
Ana’s eyebrow was arched. A smile played around her lips.
‘“Oh Coco, oh my god, Coco, please. Please, Coco.” Come on, SPILL!’
Stella’s first impulse was to deny it, but she didn’t.
‘When did I say that?’ muttered Stella frantically.
‘In New York, when I was putting you to bed so drunk you could barely stand.’
‘Coco? You mean the nanny?’ hooted Dixie. ‘Stella’s been supping from the furry cup! Blow me! Actually, don’t, I take that back.’
Stella felt the shame rising. She was light-headed. She felt small and weak, like a child caught red-handed stealing cupcakes from the cooling rack. She looked at her friends’ faces, so mocking, but so loving.
‘Yes,’ she said, squaring her shoulders. ‘Yes, I have been having an affair with Coco. She’s an amazing girl. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you earlier.’
‘You thought we’d be jealous,’ laughed Dixie. ‘Jeez, Stella, get over yourself, I love you, but your wizened vagina is not on my bucket list.’
‘Yeah, seriously,’ said Ana. ‘She can have you from the neck down.’
They were cracking themselves up.
‘Who is Coco?’ asked Pearl, refilling her flute.
‘Coco is a 25-year-old Latina supermodel I met at the playground.’
‘Well that’s lovely, dear. Does he speak English?’
‘She speaks perfect English, Pearl. Her linguistic talents are unsurpassable.’
Then they were all laughing.
‘Ooh, when do we get to meet her?’
‘Not gonna happen, Ana.’
‘I won’t steal her, Stella. I promise. I have more than enough to deal with at the moment.’
‘I need a quick look. I’m afraid a threesome is out of the question. Ooh, Cunny Coco, click my button.’
Stella should have known that these two ridiculous bitches would turn it into a joke, but she was so happy and relieved to be laughing with them again. It was all worthwhile.
‘So you’re leaving Jake for the nanny? Could you be any more of a feminist!?’
Dixie was wetting herself and Ana was laughing too, but this barb reminded her of the truth and complexity of her situation. Jake was father to Tom and Rory. Her family was the foundation of her life. She could no more leave them than she could disown her tibia and fibia.
‘Sorry, Stella,’ said Ana softly. ‘Perhaps that was a joke too far.’
Stella found herself speaking without filter or fear.
‘I realise Coco is a symptom of my unhappiness. The gambling is a symptom of Jake’s. I’m guessing that I was lucky, I got to experience something wonderful – Coco’s a fucking wonder. But I also realise I betrayed Jake – it wasn’t just him, it was me too. But right now I don’t think it’s going to help either of us if I tell him about her, it’s just all too complicated. For now, he just needs to concentrate on getting better. I don’t want him getting distracted by lesbian fantasies!’
They all giggled, and then Dixie said softly, ‘Jake needs help. You both need support. You’re gonna have to end things with Coco. No matter how sweet that cup.’
It sounded so simple. And she realised that the burden she’d been carrying for as long as she could remember had been lifted by two-thirds now that Dixie and Ana were there to help her.
She stared into the fire in silence and her friends watched respectfully as the tears dried on her cheeks. Eventually she felt strong enough to speak.
‘Thank you. Jake is in good hands now, and I will tackle Coco, I promise. Now what about you, Ana?’
It was Ana’s turn to gaze into the fire, tears welling in her eyes. ‘My gut is telling me one thing, but my head, another. I love Rex, but I don’t think that means I am in love with him. It feels like a different thing. But Joel is… If I gave everything up for him, would I regret it and wish I had taken the more well-trodden path with Rex? It’s just a fantasy, isn’t it? Just because I want it to be true doesn’t mean it will be. I mean this would be hard enough even if I wasn’t pregnant.’