Although Amy is angry. In fact, she’s really fucking furious. But that isn’t going to get her anywhere.
Jamie hangs his head before he speaks. ‘I know we never talked about marriage and babies. That doesn’t mean I didn’t feel the pressure. I knew that’s what you wanted. That’s what you all want eventually, isn’t it? And just knowing you wanted that made me feel like I was being forced into it myself. And I said loads of times that having a kid would be rubbish. So really, Amy, you should have got the hint. It wasn’t even a hint – I couldn’t have been clearer.’
‘I thought you were joking.’
‘Oh, Amy. There’s a grain of truth in every joke. You know that.’
She does know that. And she did worry about it at the time. But she ignored it and hoped he would grow up and eventually want adult things. Amy remembers the first and only time he met Jane’s twins. Her heart melted as he picked them both up at the same time and spun them around, their maniacal little laughs turning into screams of pure joy. He seemed like such a natural. Like the perfect fun dad. Not the man who turned to Amy as soon as they shut the front door behind them and said, ‘Hey, Amy, what’s more magical than having kids? Not having them.’
‘So what do you want, Jamie?’ she asks him across the table. ‘In the future?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t really think about it. I’m more of a live-in-the-moment guy. Maybe I will get married one day. Maybe I won’t. What makes me happy right now is being single, free and selfish. What’s wrong with that? I like to live my life knowing that I don’t have to think of anyone else. I can come and go as I please. I don’t have to check in with anyone, tell anyone what my evening plans are, text another person to keep them informed of my every movement. Now I can eat what I like, go out when I like, do yoga without someone staring at me.’
‘Yes, OK, I get the idea, Jamie.’ She’s had enough of hearing how great life is in his post-Amy world. Besides, what he’s just described is what he had before. He hardly ever thought of her. He did come and go as he pleased. He never checked in. She thought he did yoga in front of her to make her feel bad for not exercising.
The conversation continues for another half hour. There are no arguments, no raised tempers, no tears and no answers – and no apologies either. When it’s time to say goodbye, there’s a friendly hug with a pat on the back.
But not before Jamie finishes his whole plate of calamari.
Twenty-Three
‘Welcome to The Shelf!’ Adam Andrews shouts into the camera from the stage. ‘It’s time for the second eviction of the show, and what a week it’s been! We’ve had humiliation …’
A boomerang clip of Gemma accidentally walking into the glass door and bouncing off it plays over, several times.
‘Gawd,’ mutters Gemma. ‘Knew that would come up.’
‘We’ve had confrontation …’ Adam continues.
Grainy black-and-white footage of Gemma pointing her finger in Dylan’s face appears on the screen. Dylan looks exactly like a garden gnome, with his arms folded. Identical scruffy beard and downturned mouth. Almost the same height. Fuzzy monobrow that seems fixed in a frown. Hattie must have completely dwarfed him. Amy wants to laugh when she pictures them walking down the street together, and even more when she turns to see Hattie death-staring him from the sofa like Brad Pitt in Friends.
‘And we’ve had the stone-cold brutal truth!’
They show a clip of Amy and Jamie’s date, with a close-up of him hanging his head. Amy’s pleased his bald spot is showing. He’ll hate that.
‘What makes me happy right now is being single, free and selfish.’
‘So, are the housemates beginning to crack? And who will be the second housemate to leave the show tonight? Stay tuned, Britain, we’ll be back after the break!’
Amy gathers everyone’s prosecco flutes and walks to the kitchen for top-ups, glancing at The Tracker as she passes. She’s moved up to third place.
Day 16
1. Gemma
2. Flick
3. Amy
4. Jackie
5. Lauren
6. Hattie
The guests on tonight’s eviction are Steve and Mike Barton, the twin brothers from Double Diggers, a show where they compete by renovating a different garden each. What they’re doing here, and how they’re qualified to comment on The Shelf, is a mystery. But they do have star appeal – both have identical good looks, but non-identical bad taste – Steve’s T-shirt says #teamgemma and Mike’s T-shirt says #teamflick.
‘Go on, Steve, you first. Why Gemma?’ asks Adam.
‘Because she’s me, Adam!’ he cries. ‘She’s authentic, she’s honest, she’s hilarious. I want to say sod it and drink the pickle juice and let it all hang out. I think we’re all Gemma.’
‘I’m sorry,’ interrupts Mike, ‘but no one can beat Flick. She is The Keeper. Give her the crown and call it a night. Sure, we might not all agree with her life choices, but she’s got a good heart. And at least she’s holding it together. I don’t know how she manages to look so immaculate every day. If Simon doesn’t marry her, I bloody will!’
‘Ohh, watch out, Simon, Mike’s got dibs!’ sqawks Adam.
‘Flick? Yawn!’ Steve looks disgusted. ‘“Simon’s incredible, Simon’s amazing, Simon is the best. Simon, Simon, Simon.” My God, I felt sorry for Amy yesterday, by the pool. I think everyone did. Did you see Jackie come outside and go straight back in again? Ha! What about that meme that did the rounds?’
‘The one where Amy’s been replaced by a skeleton?’ Adam laughs.
‘When Flick reaches the end of her story!’
‘Classic! Sorry, Flick, time to get a new one. OK, so you both raise good points about Gemma and Flick, but who do you think will go tonight? Mike, you go first.’
‘I’m torn between Lauren and Hattie. Lauren is basically MIA. I keep on forgetting she’s even on the show. All she does is lie in bed or on a sun lounger in the garden like a rock lizard. And I’m afraid poor Hattie just won’t hack it long-term.’
‘And you, Stevo? Who’ll be gone by bedtime?’ Adam asks.
‘Hattie, without a doubt. She’s had her time. I think Lauren’s time is coming, and she has way more to offer the show. I think the audience can’t wait to see what she brings out!’ He winks.
Amy gets up, moves across to Hattie and puts her arms around her. She’s beginning to breathe heavily. ‘Hattie, don’t listen to a word. It’s just for shock value.’
‘Lauren, how are you doing?’ says Amy, looking around.
Lauren isn’t in the dining room where she was sitting a second ago. Amy cranes her neck but she isn’t in the kitchen either.
‘Where did she go? Is she OK?’
‘She was right here a minute ago,’ Jackie says. ‘Maybe she’s gone to pack her suitcase just in case. Lozza?’ she shouts towards the bedroom, making Flick grimace.
There’s no response.
‘Lauren!’ Amy shouts, standing up.
‘Did anyone see her go into the bedroom?’ asks Amy.