From this day forward I pledge to listen to my gut. And to help me remember, I’ve decided to list all the red flags I should watch out for, whether it’s a first date or a fiftieth.
99 Red Flags to Watch Out For
If they call their ex ‘crazy’.
If they never say sorry.
If they’re rude to service staff.
If they accuse you of loving your family more.
If they only want to spend time with you, no one else.
If they only tell jokes at your expense.
If they hate dogs.
If they refuse to talk about the future after six months.
If you haven’t met their friends after three months.
If they take credit for your achievements.
If they watch – or – worse, comment on, what you eat.
If they pour themselves a glass of wine and don’t offer you one.
If they don’t ask you any questions.
If they don’t listen to your answer when they do.
If they play the victim when they’re in the wrong.
If they can’t have an argument without storming off.
If they’re annoyed that you don’t want sex at 1 a.m after a fourteen-hour day.
If they’re annoyed that you don’t want sex full stop.
If they answer the phone during sex when you do want it.
If they blame you for every little thing that goes wrong.
If they don’t text you back, but they’re always on their phone.
If they freak out if you don’t reply to a message immediately.
If they tell you they love you after the first date.
If they don’t like your friends.
If they text you constantly when you’re out with your friends.
If their favourite show is The Big Bang Theory.
If they don’t let you look at their phone.
Twenty-seven is a weird number, but sadly my time is up, readers. Women and men of the Internet, help me complete this list by tweeting your #99redflags and lets start taking better care of ourselves and each other out there.
Amy x
Twenty-Seven
‘How many more days do we have left in here?’ asks Gemma, picking the ham out of her sandwich and tossing the bread to one side of her plate. ‘Who wants my bread?’
‘You asked for a ham salad sandwich, you plonker,’ Jackie says, sitting down with a liquid lunch of prosecco. ‘Ten days if we make it to the final.’
‘It’s a breadless sandwich,’ Gemma responds, picking up the ham, lettuce and tomato with both hands. ‘I’m off carbs. But if I eat it like it’s a sandwich, it tricks my body into thinking I’m fuller.’ She takes a bite, with tomato juice running down her hands. ‘Diet is all about mind control,’ she says, placing her index finger on her forehead, leaving a smear of tomato juice.
‘Maybe that’s why I never diet,’ says Jackie. ‘I don’t even think about it. When did everyone start hating carbs?’
‘You don’t diet because you never eat, you just drink. Prosecco is full of sugar, you know,’ Flick says, disapprovingly.
Jackie pokes her tongue out at Flick and refills her glass.
‘Housemates, please go to the living room.’
‘Ugh, here we go,’ grumbles Jackie, downing it.
‘Oh hellooooo, ladies!’ screeches Adam Andrews in an over-the-top posh voice. He’s wearing a straw hat bedecked with flowers and a matching dress, holding a china teacup. ‘How aaaaare we all?’ he says, fluttering his eyelashes and pursing his lips.
He’s in the garden of a stately home, having a cream tea. Two female guests are seated on a bench in front of him. They look as if they’ve stepped out of a Laura Ashley catalogue from 1994.
‘Who are these curtains?’ asks Jackie.
‘Today we are graced with the presence of two princesses of elegance and etiquette’ – he bows his head, flutters his fingers and clinks the teacup on the table – ‘and they’ve been teaching me a thing or two about my table manners. It’s Meredith Mercer and Jemima Soames from Ms Prim and Ms Proper!’
The camera pans to a clapping audience, dotted around the garden in front of their own cream tea spreads. They hold their cups up and cheer hooray.
‘And a big welcome to our competition winners, who are lucky enough to join me and my two guests of honour at Kenwood House for this very fancy edition of The Shelf.’
The camera turns to Meredith and Jemima, who are sitting as though they have rods in their backs, smiling at the cameras.
‘So, who’s prim and who’s proper?’ Adam asks as he stands up, moves over and squeezes between them on their bench, making them visibly uncomfortable.
‘Well, Adam,’ responds the one on the left. ‘We’re both prim and both proper. That’s what three years at an elite Swiss finishing school for young ladies teaches you.’
‘How delightful. And isn’t this just lovely,’ Adam says as he grabs a brownie, takes a large bite and smiles with an open mouth to reveal chocolate-caked teeth. Meredith and Jemima audibly gasp.
Swallowing, and picking his teeth for the cameras, Adam continues.
‘So, tell us what we have in store for our next challenge, ladies. It’s a terribly exciting one, I know that much.’
‘Well, Adam,’ says Meredith, glancing occasionally at the camera. ‘You may know that Jemima and I have a new show on Real TV called Ms Prim and Ms Proper—’
‘It’s on every Sunday at six p.m.,’ interjects Jemima.
‘Anyway, Ms Prim and Ms Proper is all about encouraging women to rediscover their femininity. Embrace their softer side. British culture has celebrated the ladette for too long, and we want to see a return to good old-fashioned values, where women are demure.’
‘Glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks like that!’ says Flick, smiling, looking around for support she won’t get.
‘Mates of yours?’ asks Gemma. She’s standing next to the TV screen scratching her bottom through her joggers.
‘On Ms Prim and Ms Proper,’ Jemima continues, ‘we’re on the hunt to find Britain’s worst female offenders. The ill-mannered bottom-scratchers who are disgracing our gender.’
Gemma stops scratching and turns round to see who’s looking.
‘And where do you find these bottom-scratchers?’ Adam asks.
‘We trawl the darkest and dirtiest corners of Britain,’ answers Meredith. ‘Like kebab houses on a Friday night.’
The audience in the garden murmur at the offensiveness of Meredith’s comment.
‘Get a shag!’ someone shouts out. Meredith looks outraged, craning her neck to find the source of the comment. The audience laugh and jeer, while Adam stifles his sniggers.
‘It’s true,’ says Jemima, looking down her nose. ‘If we aren’t careful, we’re going to reverse the evolutionary process.’
Meredith dives in. ‘You should see the women we help. When we find them, they’re complete animals. We teach them how to behave like the fairer sex by dressing properly, talking clearly and learning the importance of self-respect and refinement.’
Jemima continues, ‘It’s no wonder that more and more British women in their prime years find themselves single today. Their tomboyish behaviour is so off-putting to the good men they’re so desperate to find.’