Sophia took a deep breath. "There's a light at the end of the tunnel, you just have to truck through the mud first to see it. I hope the book is encouraging for you the way it was for me. When you do get time to process everything, it'll all come roaring back and hit you at once."
I'd yet to have time to process what happened that day in my condo, or the days proceeding. My world had crumbled in a matter of minutes and I had to shelve it because I had more important hurdles to jump.
There was a part of me that didn't want to think about it anyway. How many tears could one girl cry? Just thinking about it knotted my stomach. I was better off not having to think about it, but the other part of me knew I'd have to come to terms with it eventually, whether I wanted to or not.
"Thank you, Sophia," I said, feeling slightly emotional. "This means a lot to me. I may start to read it tonight, actually."
I planned to meet Kova down the street at this coffee shop after the sun had set. I could flip through a few pages when I got back while I was lying in bed.
"Can I be frank?"
We both chuckled. She wasn't talking about my dad. I nodded.
"Like I said before, I don't want to overstep, so if you feel I am, please just tell me and I won't say anything." She paused and locked eyes with me. "I saw the way you looked at Kova today." I stilled, and the color drained from my face. "I feel like I need to say it's not a good idea to act on it."
Nineteen
My jaw wobbled as anxiety filled me.
This was why she came here. Dad must've sent her.
Or was she saying this on her own?
I wasn't sure where to start without looking guilty or feeling suspicious.
"I wasn't going to do anything."
Her eyes softened at my lie. "Maybe not tonight, but eventually you will, and no one will be able to stop you." Sophia gave me a sad smile. "You're a young woman in love. I see it because I was your age once and in love too. I remember the feelings and emotions like it was just yesterday. Your eyes light up when you look at Kova. It's not one-sided either, that's what is concerning."
I was stiff as a stone even though my heart was hammering against my rib cage threatening to break free.
"Did my dad send you here to talk to me about this? Like a warning or something? Because I already know the consequences, he made them quite clear."
Her face fell and I instantly felt bad. I wasn't angry, but my words came out a little more aggressive than I intended to.
"No, he didn't. I promise. He has no idea I'm talking to you about this and he never will. He thinks I just wanted to bring you the book." I caught a flash of boldness in Sophia's eyes. "In Frank's defense, though, it took a bit of convincing to get Kova here. I feel like you should know he's trying extremely hard. When he got off the phone that night with you, he was a disaster, stuck between right and wrong. It's taking every ounce of self-control he has for Kova to be here, to allow him near you, to touch you." I opened my mouth to speak but she placed her palm up to stop me, and continued, "Frank knows Kova touches you only with a coach's hand right now, but that doesn't matter. The damage is already done and that's all he can see. You have to know any father would feel this way, right? How Frank is with you, and what he says to me, are two totally different things. He's holding back for your sake, and he's trying really hard, Adrianna."
Her face twisted like she was carrying a burden on her shoulders. The concern she had for my dad was touching. There had been far and few moments where Joy had showed concern toward him in the manner Sophia was. Almost like she actually truly cared about him.
Now I felt like crap for even attempting to see Kova.
I glanced away, and responded softly, "I know he's dealing with a lot right now. I wouldn't want to upset him more than he already is. Why are you telling me this? Why now?"
"I was kicked out of my house when I got pregnant with you. My sister was so sick that my parents pretty much forgot about me anyway. No one knew what was wrong with Francesca at the time, only that she was ill. I think it was easier for them. They had one child to support instead of two with one on the way." Sophia paused like she was hurting inside. It seemed like any time she reflected on the past she drew sadness from it. "I was young and impressionable. There was no parental figure around to advise me when I needed it the most. I just want to remind you I'm here any time you need to talk. I'll never judge you or be angry. Even with guy stuff, been there, done that." She chuckled then sobered up. Large green eyes peered back at me. "I missed out on so much of your life. Now we finally have a real chance to have a relationship, and it kills me to see this web you're stuck in. I want you to know I'm here if you ever need me." She cleared her throat as a way to disguise the emotion filling her eyes. "Anyway, I was going to give that book to you tomorrow, but it seemed like you might be able to use it tonight."
I glanced down at the book again, curious about the pages inside. Sophia was offering her guidance when I'd never really been given any from either parent. Dad was always working. I’d assumed most fathers were like mine since I hardly ever saw any dads at practice, it was always just moms. Joy was another story entirely and not someone I ever asked advice from.
Listening to Sophia brought on a wave of melancholy. A longing. I'd never say I was neglected. I most definitely wasn't, but I had been easily overlooked by both parents with their assumption that I would figure it out. The thought of having a parent figure to come to with questions would've been nice. I mean, just one who wanted me around would've sufficed. I would've taken anything, really.
The creases between my eyes deepened. Even if I’d had that type of relationship with my parents, would any ounce of advice have stopped me from loving Kova?
No. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, and it gave no fucks about anyone's feelings or objections.
"I don't know what to say. I feel like thank you isn't enough. This is more than a book you're giving me."
Her eyes glistened with relief and that made me feel good inside. "You don't have to say anything. Despite your maturity, you're still young. Not that I'm doubting what you have with Kova isn't real, but you should live your life and experience every age while you can." Her eyes narrowed into a knowing look. "I bet you're really consumed with him and you think about him all the time and wonder what he's thinking. Like you have to be with him and can't imagine a life without him." I tried not to squirm. "Find what you love and what you hate. When you're involved with someone, we tend to think only about what they want and need. It's easy to forget ourselves in the process. Put what you want first. Go to college and attend parties. Stay up until two in the morning with your girlfriends and burn a pizza in the oven. Don’t lose out on this time in your life. You'll regret not living it to its fullest. I know I do." She pointed to the book. "Check it out when you can. It might be more useful than you think."
Sophia stood. I placed the book on the table and stood with her. "No one's ever told me that." No one ever spoke to me like that. What she said to do sounded kind of fun.