"Me either, but I think it's something a teen Sophia needed to hear." She waited. "I thought you may too."
I glanced at the book again and reread the tagline. Don't let this life pass you by.
"I'm going to read a few pages tonight while I ice my arm. Thank you, Sophia."
"Frank is waiting for me, so I'm going to head out. Regardless of the outcome tomorrow, I’m proud of you. I can't wait to watch you. Thank you for allowing me to be here." Affection swirled in her eyes before they glossed over with remorse. "Francesca would've loved to be here to see you."
While I never got to meet my aunt, the emotion clogging my throat was real. I was so much more sensitive than I used to be.
Nodding, she walked to the door. Right before she left, she looked at me.
"I'm not going to tell you to not see Kova because that'll only make you do it more. If you do, I want you to consider not only those affected, but yourself too. Think about you and your life and the opportunities you have. Take advantage while you can and create your happy ending."
Sophia opened the door and stepped out quietly. I glanced back at the book, debating whether I should open it up and read a few pages now, or go see Kova like we’d planned. Listening to what Sophia said stirred my interest and swayed my decision a little.
Not being able to experience life to the fullest had been a fear of mine since I was diagnosed. I didn't want to lose out and have regrets about things I could've and should've done. The thought scared me.
What Sophia said to experience, I wanted to do. I just hadn't allowed myself to think about it because my focus was on this moment right now and getting through the heartache and pain my body dealt with every day. I didn't allow myself to look ahead, and anytime I had, I assumed Kova would be there. Yet, all those moments she mentioned—college, parties, late nights with friends—sounded like so much fun to me, and he wasn't there.
Gymnastics had always been, and will always be, the love of my life, but it would be naïve of me to not realize it was going to be over soon. I needed to decide what I wanted.
And what did I want? My fingers grazed the cover. What did I truly want?
Thoughts flickered too quickly through my mind like an old film. Some involved Kova, some involved Avery, of course my family, but most of them were of me alone. Happy, but alone, and constantly searching for something no one could give me but myself.
I was angry at the world and I hated myself.
Did I feel the same way as Sophia once did? My skin prickled with realization. I tried to push it away, but…
My breathing labored. My heart started racing. The more I thought about it, the more it hit me that my feelings were nearly identical to hers.
It didn't just hit me. It slammed into me.
I did feel the same way. I was angry at the world, and I did hate myself.
I hated myself for so many reasons, but mainly for how sick I was. I hid it from everyone who cared about me, and in turn, I pushed my body to the brink of total destruction to prove to myself there was nothing wrong with me. Everything about what I did made me angry and filled me with hate, not only for myself but for everything around me, except gymnastics. Becoming sick wasn't anyone's fault, but I couldn't help but wonder if I had listened to my body in the first place, would I have caught the illnesses before they grew into something more? I was stubborn and had assumed it was from overtraining, but I think in the back of my mind I always knew something wasn't right.
A fire burned inside me just thinking about it. Tears burst from my eyes and I covered my mouth. I wondered when my heart hardened and why I became like this, or if I was always like this and I just didn't know it. Tears dripped down my cheeks and my knees shook. It hurt me that I was like this.
An unexpected quietness settled in my chest. It forced me to become aware of the truth, and damn did it hurt. I realized I needed to let go of the resentments I'd built, and the only way to do that was on my own.
The things Sophia said, words of wisdom, were all things I'd been seeking without even realizing it.
My knees buckled and I fell into the chair behind me. After the meet today, I'd done therapy with the other gymnasts to help speed up recovery. Some were getting full-body massages, others were cupping or doing various chiropractic stretches, or wearing vibrating sleeves to increase blood flow. All so we'd be ready for the beating our bodies would take tomorrow for the chance to hold a coveted spot on the United States women’s gymnastics team. The faster we healed, the better we'd perform. Lactic acid in the muscles would only hinder the performance and make the joints stiff. It had to be released and that's what we’d focused on. A recovery that would normally take a week for any normal person to heal would take one night for a pro athlete.
I glanced around my cold, small room with two twin beds, and stopped when my eyes landed on the ice pail. I got up and walked over to the black bucket. I checked to make sure I had my room key before grabbing the bucket to go fill. I was supposed to meet Kova in just over an hour. I wanted to, I missed him terribly, but my gut told me to stay in the room and open the book. It was a feeling that resonated within my soul and I couldn't ignore.
I wasn't going to give up Kova, that was virtually impossible. What I needed for myself right now was to rest my body and ice my aching arm.
Maybe cry a few more tears too.
What I really needed to do was heal my heart and learn to love myself again.
Twenty
It was a quiet, somber morning.
Madeline didn't say much, but neither did Kova. My guess was that we all were going through the motions and preparing for the long day ahead of us.
I'd worked my ass off to finish in the top five yesterday, but that didn't mean anything today. Today was a new day with new scores and new routines.
Once the meet was officially over, both days’ scores would be taken into consideration along with previously required meets standings. Then the Olympic committee would convene in a private, soundproof room, while all fifteen gymnasts were placed in a separate room, watching the clock turn as we overanalyzed our routines, wondering where we could've been better. Everything we all worked so hard for came down to that moment. Only four would be chosen plus two alternates.
It was such a mind game.
Later this evening, the final women’s team would be selected and prompted to stand in the center of the floor of the arena. Chills raced down my arms just thinking about it. For that reason alone, I was a ball of nerves today.
I hadn't told Kova I wasn't going to meet him last night. I just didn't show. I couldn’t contact him, and he had no way of contacting me either. I felt bad. He’d probably waited for me. I imagined him looking for me every time the door opened, getting his hopes up. Eventually he’d realized I wasn’t going to show. He hadn't said anything about it, and it made me wonder if that was why he was all broody and quiet this morning.
The book Sophia gave me was an oddly interesting page-turner. I wasn't sure I'd like it at first. A self-help book definitely wasn't my style. But I gave it a shot and found myself having to force it closed to get proper rest for today. The author offered a thought-provoking approach to finding yourself that strangely resonated inside of me. I had to ask myself a lot of open-ended questions that kept going and going. I was oddly excited to read more once we were on the plane ride back home, tempted to try out the different methods to finding inner peace. I had a lot of turmoil left inside me.