Xavier was in a bad place. I had a terrible gut feeling no one knew just how messed up inside he was. His pointed nose flared. His dirty blond eyelashes framed the glowing amber of his eyes. He was going through some deep stuff too.
I didn't say anything. All I could do was hug my brother. He was emotionally suffering just as much as I was, possibly more, and maybe, just maybe, he needed this more than I did.
My heart pounded against my chest for him. Squeezing my eyes shut, I prayed that whatever he was dealing with inside would get better.
Xavier rested his head on top of my shoulder and we stood in silence as tears streamed down my flushed cheeks. He dipped his head and I felt his back shaking. It was a subtle shake, but I could feel it.
After a few good minutes of us dealing with our struggles in quiet, I said, "I know you're mad at her, but I hope you can come to terms with what happened between you guys. Not only is she my best friend, but she's my match, Xavier. She's always going to be in my life."
"I know. What are the chances that would happen?"
Xavier seemed much calmer now that he released whatever he was holding in.
"I was just as shocked. She surprised me on my birthday with the news."
"I know. She told me," he said, and I glanced up with my brows drawn together. He answered my puzzled stare. "When she got the news, she was bursting to tell you. I'm sure you know she's terrible with surprises. So, she told me and talked my ear off for days and said she was going shopping for you."
A dim smile tugged at one corner of my mouth.
"She got me some really funny things," I said, thinking of the shirts and mug. "I loved them."
"Yeah, I saw them. I helped her pick them out."
Surprise was written on my face. She hadn't told me they’d spoken or that he’d helped her, but I guess that didn't really matter in the grand scheme of things anymore.
"It'll never work out with her," he added, his voice as far away as his stare. He was looking at something over my shoulder, but I could see he was lost in his thoughts.
"You don't know that."
He looked back at me. "No, I do."
"Do you love her?"
His long silence was my answer and I didn't like that. It was like barbed wire around my bleeding heart.
"I don't want you to worry about me and her. Everything'll be fine. I'll be real with you that I still fucking love her even though I want to wring her tiny goddamn neck. I know she feels the same way. But sometimes love just isn't enough, some things just can't be forgiven."
"Crazier things have happened."
He ignored me. "The last couple of years have been really…disturbing, but I'll always be here for you. I love you, but you better not ever think about hooking up with that man again, Adrianna, because I will kill him."
A sad chuckle rolled off my lips. I knew he wasn't serious. At least I didn't think he was.
"I love him, Xavier. How does one stop loving someone when it's killing them? I don't want to let go of him, and I know he feels the same way about me."
"Even with everything he's done to you, you still would hold on and love him?"
Before I answered, I took a hard look at him. Something in my gut said he was asking more for himself than to question me. I had a feeling this had to do with him and Avery.
"I do." I looked in his eyes and told him the truth. "If it's worth it, I have to forgive to move on. Kova's worth it." I nodded. Xavier didn't say anything. He seemed surprised and slightly hopeful. "Please, please," I said, stressing the word, "don't tell Dad. It's the honest truth, though."
He lifted my side braid and ran his fingers over it. Still looking at my hair, he said under his breath, "When you find out how to stop loving people when it's killing you, let me know."
Twenty-Five
I’d almost forgotten I had to see my doctor for a full checkup before I left.
Lupus brain fog was real.
I drove south to Cape Coral the day of the appointment.
Before I’d left, Dad told me Kova had called him and said he needed to speak with me because a couple of colleges had inquired about me. I had been thrilled, thinking I could put my focus on my next goal to keep my mind busy, but Dad had been reluctant. He didn't want me going back to World Cup for anything without him, especially where Kova was involved. But he also knew how important it was to discuss this matter. As gradually as I could, I’d reminded him Kova wasn't going to college with me.
With a little over an hour before I had to see my doctor, I was currently sitting in Kova's office with Madeline next to me. They'd already been in his office waiting for me when I walked in wearing light denim skinny jeans and a boho chic top with my leopard flats.
Looking at him but not being able to touch him, physically hurt me. I was getting to the point where I was unable to tell the difference between heartache and the tightness from my illnesses anymore. Both hacked my chest open with bare hands. I swallowed, wondering if he felt the same. I thought this would be easy—come in, have the conversation, leave.
But it wasn't like that at all.
The anguish in my chest at seeing him again in his element consumed my heart and took over all feeling. His fingertips tapped the top of the wood desk and my eyes dropped to the motion. Memories of us in his office flashed through my mind. My eyes lifted to the wall he took me against when Hayden had walked in and found us. I looked back at the desk he was still tapping, and I pictured myself hidden under it naked when Katja had walked in. I shot a quick glance over my shoulder to look at the couch where we had shared many intimate moments together and did a double take. My stomach plummeted.
It was a direct blow to my gut.
The couch was gone. My brows knitted together and hurt lacerated my tender heart. I wondered when he got rid of it, and why. My instincts told me it had to do with us, but the bigger part of me fighting for us was more optimistic about it.
I turned and faced forward. Madeline was still writing stuff down and checking her phone while she did, mumbling to herself. Kova was peering straight into my eyes with a helpless look.
I needed him. I needed to touch him, to feel his arms wrapped around me. I needed him to demand I tell him I love him so I could say I hate you. I just needed him to breathe against me and I'd know how he felt about us.
Absence did not make the heart grow fonder. It made the heart ache for something that might never be.
I didn't believe in soul mates. I thought the saying was cheesy, it made me laugh, but I got it now. I understood it, because I felt the two words come together.
Not attempting to see Kova later was going to be a struggle. I was trying to respect my father’s wishes and not hurt anyone else, but when my stomach was in knots and my heart was screaming out for him, it was difficult to consider anyone else's feelings but my own.
I looked at Kova. Our eyes met and he took my breath away. His hat was missing—I loved seeing him in it. The half-moon crescents under his eyes and drained expression told me he hadn't been sleeping much. I briefly wondered if he was writing his thoughts away or finding solace at the bottom of a vodka bottle. Sometimes he did that when his thoughts were dark.