"I'll see you later." My throat tightened and my words sounded mumbled.
I couldn't even look at him.
Saying goodbye to World Cup meant saying goodbye to Kova.
My heart was not ready for that.
My. Heart. Was. Not. Ready.
I couldn’t breathe. Oh God. My chest was so tight. I struggled to get air into my lungs.
"Wait," he said, but I was already at the door and reaching for the knob. "Please." His hand appeared in front of me. He held the door closed, and I immediately dropped my hand.
We were alone. He was right next to me. My eyes closed shut as my breathing deepened. I could feel the warmth of his presence, the smell of his sultry cologne, the dire need pulsing through me to reach out for him. I couldn't walk away when we were made for each other.
I shook my head before he could say anything. My eyes were filled with tears now. There were pieces of my heart embedded here that I couldn't take back with me. How was I supposed to leave?
Kova didn't say anything.
I didn't say anything.
Did he know how much I needed him right now? How close I was to breaking inside?
Of course, he did. Because he was Kova, and I was Ria, and we understood each other in ways no one else could.
He reached for me…and that was all it took.
Kova cupped my arm and pulled me to him. I went willingly and let out a cry against him. My hand found his chest and I fisted his shirt as soft tears fell from my eyes. I hugged him so tight, like I was afraid to let go, because I was. I was scared to let go because I wasn't sure what would happen to us next.
"Ria," he whispered. His fingers brushed the hair away under my ear and draped it over my other shoulder. He tried to tip my face back to look at him, but I shook my head. "Please, I need you to look at me."
"I'm so sorry." I whimpered. "For everything. I wish I could take it all back."
"No," he said on a strangled gasp. "Do not say that. I do not regret a thing, and I know you do not either."
Taking my wrists gently into his hands, he brought them up and over his shoulders so I had no choice but to hug him, and it broke my heart even more. He let go then placed his hands under my shirt and on my hips like he needed to feel me. Kova hugged me to him. A sigh rolled through my lips at the touch of his warm flesh on mine.
Kova needed me too.
Rising up on my tiptoes, my heart beat wildly against my ribs. With trembling fingers threading through the hair at the back of his neck, I finally looked up.
My heart was in his hands.
Twenty-Six
I wanted to kiss him and tell him that I did love him, that I was going to do whatever I could to fix this and make it right, but something felt so off that it caused a tide of anxiety to wrap around my heart and hold back.
I could hardly breathe. Kova's eyes were on mine, but he wasn't looking at me. He seemed distant even though he was right in front of me. My chest rose and fell, tight with the panic that he no longer wanted me in his arms.
"What…what's wrong?" I asked.
I'd never felt him like this, so withdrawn from even himself. It scared me.
"Nothing," he said under his breath. "I just want to look at you."
His hands squeezed my hips, his fingers clenching my twisted shirt in his hands now. Kova was nervous. I didn't like the feeling closing in on me at seeing him like that. It made my stomach ache, like a negative intuition I feared to acknowledge. It lit up through me, but I doused the paranoia and pressed closer to him. I wasn't supposed to hurt when I was in his arms, and I was going to prove to myself it was all in my head.
"Kiss me," I said quietly. I wanted his lips on mine, but I wanted more to see his reaction.
Kova let go of my shirt and placed his palm around the side of my neck. My knees were weak with him this close. Something so simple caused a surge of feeling to rush through me. His thumb caressed my jaw, and his lips parted, but he didn't move. All Kova did was look at me like he was suffering inside.
If he wasn't going to kiss me, then I would kiss him. I would show him that despite everything, I was still his and he was still mine and we would get through this.
I leaned into him and felt his palm press against my chest.
My breath hitched in my throat.
I blinked, and frowned.
Kova. Stopped. Me.
My frowned deepened.
Kova didn't want to kiss me.
I reared back, my eyes as round as a full moon. I stared at him. Surprisingly, his gaze didn't waver, but he was sad and confused, filled with indecision.
We'd come so far. This didn't make sense. He wasn't supposed to look at me like that.
Oh, God.
I was going to be sick.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
He was supposed to crush his stupid fish lips to mine and kiss me like I meant everything to him. He was supposed to tell me we'd get through this. He was supposed to tell me he loved me, damn it.
My hands fell from around him and I stepped back. My legs shook. A numbing low vibration spread beneath my skin. It made me jittery as hell. I needed to get out of here before I threw up. Kova didn’t want me anymore, and I wasn't sure how to handle it.
"I have to leave," I said.
A string of Russian flew from his lips as I reached for the doorknob behind me. Kova's arms flew up to the sides of my head and caged me in. I looked up at him, confused, and held my breath. He couldn't tear his eyes from mine. Kova stepped closer until I was forced to press against the door. I was confused, yet I couldn't stop myself from relishing the feel of his body on mine. A gush of air rolled off my lips. He was touching me, he was right in front of me, and yet he wasn't, but now he wasn't letting me leave.
Kova pressed his forehead to mine and let out a shaky sigh. He was struggling and I hated that after we'd come so far.
"Do not ever second-guess my love for you again," he said, then smashed his lips to mine.
Tears climbed my eyes. My jaw trembled and I broke down seeing the insult in his wounded gaze. I couldn’t help but cry against his mouth. I felt guilty for doubting his love after he'd told me countless times how much I meant to him. The first opportunity to question him, and I slipped into a coma of insecurity.
"Please, do not cry," he said, then kissed me again. Kova's lips were on mine, but he wasn't there.
"Then kiss me like you mean it," I begged.
"Devil, strike me down," he whispered so low that I almost missed it.
His lips stroked mine with despair, but his tongue didn't penetrate. He breathed against me, and I begged for any ounce of proof that he still loved me.
Kova tugged my top lip between his as he wrapped his arm around the small of my back. He pulled me flush against him and held on to me with his warm body. I wanted so badly to take the lead, but I needed some sort of signal from him that we were okay so I could put those thoughts to rest. I needed to see if what I was fearing was all in my head, or if my worst nightmares were true, and I was losing him."
He proved me wrong.
Kova's tongue licked past the seam of my lips with a sigh. He leaned into me and let go of whatever he was holding on to, kissing me like he meant it. His tongue fondled mine, his teeth were sharp nibbles on my lips. He made sure his mouth consumed every breath of air I had. He took and took and took, and I loved that he did because I loved his fiery passion and the way it made me tingle everywhere. His shaking hands gripped every inch of skin he could touch, his nails dug into my skin as he lost himself in us.