‘Oh feck?’ Ali leapt back from the dust cloud that was enveloping them and the rest of the stage. Mini had upended what looked like a bag of kitty litter right in the middle of stage left. ‘What is this stuff?’ Ali cried, spluttering.
‘It’s Miles.’ Mini looked stricken. ‘His ashes. I thought it’d be more like, well, ashes! This looks like fine-grade fecking gravel.’
‘Jesus,’ Ali whimpered, looking at the mound of Miles in front of them. ‘There’s so much of it! Did you not check it?’
Mini shook her head helplessly. ‘I just assumed … I’ve never scattered anyone before. I thought it’d be a very fine dust and it would kind of dissipate?’
‘Well, we’d better put him back in.’ Ali snorted, which in turn set off Mini. She covered her mouth but soon they were both bent over howling at the absurdity of the situation.
‘Why did you upend the whole bloody thing?’ Ali managed to gasp.
‘I don’t know. I misjudged,’ Mini wailed. ‘For God’s sake, Miles, I’m blaming you!’ she shot at the whitish-grey pile on the floor. ‘Once I’d tipped it a tiny bit, he kind of threw his weight forward. He unbalanced it.’ They both collapsed into giggles once more at this.
‘Oh, I suppose ye think it’s funny to give me even more work to do?’
A booming voice behind them abruptly silenced Ali and Mini. They wheeled around to find an intensely pissed-off-looking old woman standing with her hands on her hips.
Oh shit. What time was it? What was the cleaner doing here so early? Beside her, Mini, thanks to some kind of adrenaline-rush of instinct, shoved the plastic urn out of sight.
‘Sorry.’ Ali found her voice as the woman stormed over to the Miles mound and kicked at it with her foot. Ali winced as the ashes scattered.
‘Absolutely outrageous. Grown adults effing around after hours with cat litter. Who are ye? Ye’re not supposed to be in here before 9 a.m. This is my time.’
‘We’re terribly sorry—’ Mini began, trying to appease her but she only raged on as she stormed back over to the side of the stage to retrieve …
‘NO!’ Ali shouted as the pissy woman shouldered a hoover and marched back towards them.
‘What did you say, missy?’
‘Don’t hoover.’ Ali scrambled to salvage the situation. ‘We’ll clean it up. We’re really sorry. It was an accident.’
‘I’ll be cleaning my own theatre, thank you very much. Betty is the housekeeper here.’ She thumped her chest. ‘I’ve been tending to the Abbey since eighty-four, before you were born, I’d say, and this is my work. Some of us take pride in our work.’
She chucked the hoover down and stepped on the switch. It roared into life as Ali shot the panic-stricken Mini a pleading look.
‘Stop, stop, you can’t.’ Mini threw herself in front of Miles. ‘Betty, no! Please don’t.’
Betty straightened up and, leaning on the hoover attachment, her eyes narrowed as she looked from Ali to Mini to the mound on the floor.
‘Is this some kind of drugs thing?’ She pulled out her phone. ‘I’m calling the guards.’
‘No!’ Mini was vehement.
Betty looked suspicious.
‘Well, if it’s not crack marijuana, then why can’t I hoover it up?’ She cocked an eyebrow triumphantly.
‘It’s … it’s …’ Mini was clearly casting about for something convincing to say.
‘It’s not drugs,’ Ali threw in feebly.
Betty pursed her lips and began to hoover the stage aggressively.
‘Tell her,’ Ali mouthed frantically at Mini.
‘I … Betty! Please stop!’ Mini roared over the hoover and tried to grab the cord.
Betty whipped around raging. ‘Who are you anyway? Does Richard know you two are even here? You’re not cast, are you? Are you? What’s your name? I want to see ID.’
Mini froze. Ali flashed on the potential headlines that hovered like blades of a guillotine over this ridiculous moment.
‘Failed Actor Dad of Shamed Influencer Wanted His Ashes Scattered on the Abbey Stage.’
Oh God, she gulped. She instinctively backed away. By the defeated look on Mini’s face, she was clearly picturing a similar public humiliation.
‘Sorry.’ Mini held up her hands in acquiescence. ‘You’re right, Betty, we shouldn’t be here.’
Betty smirked at them, delighted at having prevailed. ‘Off you go, so. You’ve caused me enough grief, thank you very much.’
She turned and pushed the hoover straight through the pile of ashes with a kind of savage delight as Mini and Ali looked on in mute horror.
Finally, Ali shook herself. Goddammit, this megalomaniac cleaner was hoovering up her dad! She dove forward and grabbed what she could, a fistful of ashes, then turned and exited stage left. She tore across the storeroom, down the stage door corridor and back out into the pale morning light, where, mercifully, Erasmus still sat, engine running. She leapt into the back seat and hunkered down in case Betty was in hot pursuit.
‘Where’s Mini? What happened in there?’ Erasmus looked terrified, which was, Ali reflected, pretty much his permanent natural state. Ali shoved the ashes she’d managed to grab into her coat pocket but, before she could answer, the stage door burst open again and Mini tore out clinging to Betty’s hoover. The door had barely banged shut behind her when Betty emerged, hair flying and shrieking, ‘I knew it was drugs’ at the top of her voice.
Mini managed to throw herself backwards into the passenger seat, screaming, ‘Go, Go, GO!’ while trying to fend off Betty with her foot. Erasmus burst into stress-tears and accidentally tried to start off in fifth gear.
‘She’s got the cord, Mini.’ Ali rolled down her window and started grabbing at Betty.
‘Get it together, Erasmus,’ Mini shouted almost from his lap with the hoover hugged to her between her legs. A deranged and red-faced Betty was practically climbing into the car. Ali was struggling to fend her off while also protecting her bump. She leaned over the front seat and pushed Betty’s head, managing to get her back out of the car. At that moment, Erasmus got into first and shot away from the curb.
‘Jesus, she does not give up,’ Mini exclaimed, realising Betty still had the cord, which was rapidly unspooling from inside the hoover.
‘Shit, that’s gonna take her hands off.’ Ali craned backwards to see Betty, at least sixty years old, holding on to her hoover plug with the grim-faced determination of the Terminator. The car swung around the corner, looping the electrical cord around a lamppost and the hoover burst open. The bottom half fell out the passenger door leaving Mini with the top and Miles now billowing absolutely everywhere. Erasmus began coughing, the car swerved erratically and mounted the pavement before he braked hard.
‘Fucking hell, leave the rest of the hoover, Mini!’ Ali screamed. ‘There’s no point, she’ll report us if we don’t. There’s probably CCTV cameras!’
Oh my God. Ali cringed. She had not anticipated the stress of this memorial. Or the fact that she should have come in some kind of disguise.
She hopped out of the car and hurried around to the front passenger side where a dazed-looking Mini was gazing at the spilled ashes. Ali grabbed the hoover and marched back to the corner, where Betty stood by the lower half.