‘Ezra is returning from a stint in the UK, where he was working with a prominent influencer for the last three years. He is head of operations now and don’t worry, girls, I have redrafted the NDAs so no more security breaches, I promise. Beside Ezra we have a promising up-and-coming young influencer, Kate from @ShreddingForTheWedding, who has been my right hand and such a great support during this trying era of mumfluencer-shaming.’
Shelly remembered her now. She was Ali’s friend, the one with the #EngagementJourney.
‘We also have Siobhan,’ Hazel continued. Shelly smiled over sympathetically. ‘A recent casualty of the appalling trend for mumfluencer takedowns and, of course, Crystal Doorley, who’s no stranger to being cancelled. How many times is it now, Crystal?’
‘Three, maybe four.’ Crystal shrugged. ‘The tan thing, the time I said I’d done the women’s mini marathon and the whole hoopla about my “cruelty-free” eye palette being tested on honey badgers.’
‘Ridiculous.’ Hazel shook her head in sympathy. ‘I mean, honey badgers are vicious. They would eat the face off your head, given half the chance!’
‘Exactly what I said,’ Crystal agreed.
‘Ali Jones, meanwhile, has just this weekend delivered a masterclass in weathering a public shaming.’ Hazel sounded openly bitter about this, but Ali just shrugged awkwardly and waved at the assembled crowd.
‘Polly, on the other hand, is probably the most bland, uncontroversh person ever,’ Hazel continued, characteristically unfazed at steamrolling anyone’s feelings during the introductory speech. Shelly spotted Ali throw a strange look at Polly, who remained impassive while Hazel droned on. ‘No skeletons in that closet, but she is in danger of being tarnished by association. And, finally, who else but Teflon Shelly herself. Nothing sticks to this woman,’ Hazel announced through gritted teeth. ‘A viral video rant, her marriage on the rocks and still she’s top of the pile, thanks, I’m sure, in no small part to the brains of the SHELLY operation, Amy Donoghue, who is the child in the fetish wear there.’ Amy took a sarcastic, little bow.
‘Right, I’ll be handing you over to Ezra now, who is going to outline my incredible vision.’
‘Thank you, Hazel.’ Ezra strode to the centre of the room, a slim remote in his hand. ‘And thank you all for coming on this journey with us. I have been analysing shifts in public opinion towards Irish mumfluencers in the last six months and the results have been disappointing. Polls are suggesting that your once-loyal followers are becoming disenfranchised with the mumfluencer. Recent scandals have, of course, contributed. Deborah Winters has been spouting her hate speak and the general consensus seems to be that the mumfluencer is no longer empowering other women but instead fleecing them through affiliate links, flogging Ali Express products rebranded as bespoke luxury items and generally rinsing their own family’s lives for sponcon. Now we are not by any means suggesting that you stop doing this. Absolutely not. We just want to demonstrate how women-centric you are and that yis’re not all just money-grabbing melts.’ Ali was the only one who laughed at this, but Ezra winked, unfazed, and stepped to the side, flicking the remote control at the projector.
A huge picture of Hazel appeared on the wall behind him. She sat naked, artfully draped in her children (also nude), all of them strewn with flowers on a cliff edge staring out at the ocean beyond. It was very Enya meets vintage Demi Moore. Panpipes played and the image was replaced by drone footage of miles of choppy sea, a tiny remote island emerging from the horizon. Hazel’s voice rose over the music as the video cut from the air to a pristine, white, sandy beach.
‘On the boundaries of the impossible, W Y N D is a festival and an experience.’
The camera picked up Hazel’s footprints in the sand and then the woman herself striding majestically as the music soared in the background. The voiceover continued.
‘Join Ireland’s premier influencers for a weekend of empowerment, nourishing Michelin-star vegan feasts and self-discovery.’
On screen Hazel turned back to the camera and whispered, ‘Learn to live how you’ve always dreamed. Workshops from the women you’ve always wanted to be on the things you thought you could never master …’
The scene cut to a barren limestone cliff, Hazel striding to the edge. Text appeared on the screen:
Luxury you could never conceive of, in a place wilder than your dreams. Finally, be your authentic self with the help of …
The text disappeared and onscreen Hazel appeared to dive from the cliffs, plunging into the pitch-black ocean miles below.
Pale pink words materialised dramatically:
W Y N D Summit
The screen went blank and the room erupted into reverential applause. Shelly clapped along but shrugged questioningly at Amy. Just what the hell were they clapping? What was that even an ad for?
Hazel got to her feet smiling and nodding at the effusive murmurs rippling around the room.
‘Incredible, Hazel, truly.’
‘You’re a visionary.’
‘Thank you, thank you. I know – it’s amazing, right?’ She grinned. ‘So, as you can see, we’re putting together an event so exclusive, so ambitious, nothing of its kind has ever been attempted before.’
‘So, what is it? Some kind of culchie GOOP thing?’ Ali asked. Shelly stifled a giggle. Ali, at least, could be counted on for a blunt take.
‘No,’ Hazel replied coolly. ‘Some of us could do well to remember their place, Ali. Just because you’ve got a real baba en route now and you’re the comeback queen shouldn’t be any reason to forget your manners.’
A tense silence followed this reprimand until Ezra leaned forward and whispered in Hazel’s ear. She gave an almost imperceptible nod and then cranked up a mechanical smile for Ali.
‘How are you feeling by the way, lovelie?’
Ali blinked but played along.
‘Ah good.’ She rubbed her belly, smiling. ‘We’ve got the big scan this week – I was actually a bit late getting the appointment – so fingers crossed Sam actually turns up.’ She shrugged.
Shelly pressed her lips together. The poor thing, she thought. Ali looked tired too. Shelly was daunted enough getting ready to welcome this baby solo and at least she knew what was coming. Poor Ali was all alone and didn’t have a clue. She resolved to invite her to the prenatal course she was attending. That would cheer her up, especially if Sam didn’t rally soon.
Dan had at least attended their big scan a few weeks before, though things continued to be strained and they had ended up having a row afterwards about Georgie being filmed on her way into summer camp. The story was in exchange for a week at the camp, but Dan didn’t want to hear it.
Speaking of quid pro quo, Shelly straightened up and tuned back into Hazel. Just what was their role to be in this W Y N D shindig?
‘My vision is one of female empowerment.’ Hazel was in full flow again. ‘I summoned you here because you owe it to your followers – the women and gay men who made you into the Insta-success stories you all are – to lead the charge in this new era of Instagram. They look to us for influence, for guidance, for their self-esteem.’
‘This sounds like a pyramid scheme,’ Shelly caught Ali mutter to Polly, who only shook her head sternly in response, checking to ensure that Hazel hadn’t heard.