The door to the apartment snicked shut behind me, and I tiptoed as gracefully as possible down the hallway toward my bedroom at the end of the hall. Ava’s laugh tumbled through her door, followed by Cade’s low growl. I would rather they did whatever they were doing in there at Cade’s place. But she always put up with my escapades, so I kept my mouth shut when they made lovey-dovey, mushy sounds with each other.
Most days, I wouldn’t care if they heard me come in. But just then, with whatever was wrong with me, I didn’t want them asking any questions. I curled up in my bed, a fan blowing on my face while I checked my email to see if the person I was pretending I didn’t care about had written me.
And there it was. An email from Kai. He knew it was the only way to get to me; if he ever called or texted, I was always conveniently busy. My heart raced for no evident reason when I opened it.
Hey, hot stuff.
It’s been oooooh, eight weeks now. Germany sucks balls. Especially since you’ve been avoiding my calls and texts. You’re just as bad as Mia, never answering me. Most would consider themselves privileged getting any form of correspondence from me.
Though Mia does respond more now, much more than you do. I still can’t believe she’s engaged. My kid sister and my best friend. Fuck, it’s weird.
I’m gonna be out of here in a few months, when my term will be up. Don’t know what I’m going to do with myself. Guess I could always come to Tennessee to annoy you.
Maybe give that thing you won’t talk about another go. That one stint was a hell of a time.
Email me back. Tell me what you’ve been up to the last few weeks.
Sexiest Man Alive
I couldn’t even scoff at his signature. The heat in my veins helped stave off the next bout of nausea. I had told him I never wanted to talk about the one time we had a romp in the sack while we were all in Oregon at his parents’ house for Thanksgiving.
He had somehow talked me into it, wooed me into his bedroom one afternoon while the giant house was empty. Cade and Ava had left to go see his parents, and the Harts went out to get stuff for lunch before Pierce and Mia got there. I was going to take a nap before I had to deal with all the people again, especially since we were flying back to Tennessee that evening, which was going to be even more of a crowd I wasn’t sure I could handle. But Kai, having stayed home as well, wouldn’t let me nap. He kept pissing me off with stupid jokes until we ended up making out. Against my better judgment, one thing led to another.
It was better than I’d ever imagined it could be, better than I’d ever had with any guy. It was mind-blowing. Earth-shattering. That alone made me close up, made me avoid all conversation with him for the rest of the time we were there.
I didn’t want him to mean anything, didn’t want to care about him. That day was just meant to be a bit of fun so I could get him out of my system. But he had somehow snuck his way into my heart, into my soul. Ignoring him for the greater part of the last two months was my way of trying to steal back my control.
In all the emails and texts he’d sent me over the two months since the incident, he hadn’t mentioned it. So him bringing up that afternoon just then infuriated me. He had no idea what he’d changed in me and how unacceptable that was.
To keep my mind off hurling, I composed a response.
Most Annoying Man Alive.
Obviously being back in Germany has made you a grumpy, conceited ass.
Does your sister being engaged make you feel old? Because using words like “correspondence” sure makes you sound it.
Maybe when you get out, you could go back to your hometown and stay there. I told you once we had our fun we wouldn’t be doing it again. It’s a rule of mine. You chose that day, so that’s that, sugar. I know that’s probably very heartbreaking for ya, but you’ll have to deal with it.
Anyhoo… hope you have a good day. I’ve been sick for the last hour, so I’m hittin’ the sack.
Chitchat later, stud.
Kate <3
The second it was sent, I had to run to the bathroom, retching until my stomach was empty. I figured I must have had a bad batch of booze or something.
All I wanted to do when my teeth were brushed and my face was washed was sleep, but Ava was standing right outside the door when I swung it open. Her concern was palpable, coming off her in thick waves as she stood there with her arms crossed over her chest. Cade was luckily nowhere to be seen.
“You okay?” she asked, chewing on her bottom lip.
I really wanted to roll my eyes at her worry, because I didn’t need it. But this was Ava. She was a sweetheart and didn’t deserve me being a douche.
“Yeah. I’m fine.” I shrugged.
“You know we could hear you, right?” She raised her eyebrows.
My shoulders slumped as I shuffled my slipper-adorned feet. “I think I just had a bad bit of alcohol. I didn’t even drink that much.”
“Okay. Well, I sent Cade home. Do you want me to get you anything?”
Though it was nice of her to send the guy home while I was hurling my guts up, I didn’t want to be taken care of. I could do that myself. “No. I just want some sleep.”
“All right.” She shrugged, moving out of the way for me to get by. “Just holler if you need anything, okay?”
“Yeah” was all I said before making a beeline for my room.
I didn’t need to be coddled. Taking care of myself was what I did and had done since I was a kid. No one knew where I came from or what I came from, and that was just how I liked it. Whenever someone got close enough to question me about my past, I usually removed myself from their life. No matter how much it hurt, how much it sucked, that was just how my life was.
Deciding to get a roommate just so I could keep making ends meet was one of the hardest things I ever did. But I kept telling myself it would be okay—if they got too close, I could always kick them out.
This was Ava, though. Tiny Ava who was at least six inches shorter than me, with her fair skin, and dark, short bouncy curls. She was someone who leaned on me for everything. Who trusted me, confided in me, and expected nothing in return. She never asked how I came across the apartment, never asked who I lived with before her. She was too caught up in her own shit to ever even ponder it. Truthfully, she was the greatest choice for a roommate, because she usually didn’t pry into my life. But the closer she got, the more I wanted to lean on her, tell her my story, my life.
When I got back to the confines of my room, I was on the verge of a panic attack. With deep breaths, I tried reminding myself that Ava was just being sweet. She wasn’t trying to pilfer my control from me. She wasn’t trying to barge into my past and find all the ways she could hurt me.
This was why I never liked having roommates. Sooner or later, they got too close. I didn’t allow any closeness. It was another one of my rules. No one would ever guess how many rules I lived by. My life was uniformly chaotic, and there was a reason for it.
Curled up on my bed again, I took several deep breaths. Ava wasn’t trying to take my control from me. I was sure of it. But it still took several minutes to convince myself as much. Falling asleep with so much nausea and unease filling me was not easy.
The next morning, I had a fresh bout of nausea, but once I threw up, it was gone. Which boded well for me, since I had to go in to work that morning. Ava only asked me once if I was feeling better, and I nicely let her know I was. It was mostly true. There was still something that felt off, but I wrote it off as hunger after throwing up all night. Accepting one of the Gatorades she got me at some point between my shower and breakfast was more difficult than she would ever know. After scarfing down some Eggos, I headed off to work with the electrolyte drink in hand, leaving Ava to her homework.